After fighting to come to him, I sat down and opened up a bible and asked him what he wanted to tell me. Luke 9:23 popped into my head which says,
"Then he said to them, 'If anyone would come after me he must deny himself, take up his cross and follow me."
At first I didn't really know what this verse meant to me. I've heard this verse in church so many times that I had never really though about it, but as I sat there I began to understand. God was telling me,
"stop messing around, its time to get serious! Its time to deny yourself and follow ME!"
Again I didn't really know what it meant to deny myself, take up my cross and follow him, and so sadly I put it aside. For a couple weeks I hoped God would seek after me, but something in my gut told me that he was waiting for me. At the High School retreat this past weekend I went to him and told him I was ready. I told him I was open for him to change me, mold me, shape me however he wanted me to.
I began my quiet times asking God "How can I deny myself and give you control?" Each time I came to him he gave me one word. Day One: Relationships. I was struggling to mend a relationship with someone and when I gave God control he completely took care of it in a way that God only can. I think its funny sometimes that we think we know the best was to fix something, but when we let God take care of it not only does he approach it a different way but he completely fixes and restores it.
Day Two: Priorities. The two verses which stuck out to me from this day are Philippians 3:10 and Mark 8:35 which say "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings and becoming like him in his death." (Philippians 3:10) and "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for the gospel will save it." I felt God telling me that I needed to be selflessly serving and constantly thirsting after him.
Day Three: Patience - waiting for the Lord. Patience is something I think everyone especially me struggle with. But I have found that when you give God over control then it is so much easier to wait on his timing. When you are truly patient on God, you experience a divine peace which is unlike anything I have ever experienced.
Day Four: Thoughts. I struggle with day dreaming sometimes and a couple days ago I felt God call me out on that. He said not only do I want control in your relationships, your priorities but also in your thoughts as well. To me this is a very intimate way that God takes control of my life, because I have always considered my thoughts my own. God took me to an amazing passage of scripture in Isaiah 55:8 which said,
"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither my ways your ways' declares the Lord.' As the heaven are higher then the earth so my ways are higher then your ways and my thoughts higher then your thoughts'"
Going back to what I said earlier about God answering prayer is a completely unexpected way, when I read this verse it reminded me of that. He told me that my thoughts are nothing compared to his. What we think is a good plan is nothing compared to what he has in store. This made me step back in complete awe of God. To think that I can't even fathom what he has planned for my life is mind blowing!
Day Five: Actions. God said, I have taken control of your thoughts, and now I want to take control of your actions. In a way he has already been taking control of my actions. Thoughts are an action, patience is inaction sometimes, priorities: what I choose to do over other things. All of the things God had been teaching me to give him control over made it so much easier to finally give him complete control over my life when he called for it.
I am still waiting on God. He has stopped me in my walk with him in order to teach me something amazing that I will need as I step out into the world. I am learning to listen closely for his words which has been so amazing. God answers me in crazy ways and there is never a dull moment when he is in control. My relationship is far from perfect with him, but I've come to realize that as long as I'm seeking after him, he'll take care of the rest. He has it all under control and he likes to show me that in crazy ways. I'm on the road to recovering my relationship with Christ and its only though his divine grace that I am forgiven and given another opportunity to seek him.
"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation come from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress and I will not be shaken." - Psalms 62:1-2
~Catie
