I have been struggling deeply with some of the issues going on in my school. Last night, I was overcome with the feeling of hopelessness. I opened my bible and this is what I found.
Psalms 27:13 ~ I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord. Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
This verse is so hard to take hope in though. I feel as if I'm surrounded by vultures and they would like nothing better then to watch me die and then devour me so that nothing is left. The vultures are the people at my school. I have felt very strongly about my school for a long time and only now have I found the words to voice my thoughts. I must voice what I think because I refuse to let the vultures win and silence me forever. I have to take a stand, if I don't I am surely nothing.
I feel like an outcast. Every time I walk into the school, I feel the disapproving glares of the moms on my back. I feel unwelcome and unwanted. I dare to be different, I dare to say whats on my mind and immediately I'm marked as a threat. I have long felt unwanted.
I feel like I don't belong. I know that in every school everyone has their own group, but I feel as though I have been shut off by everyone. I have long felt unwanted and alone.
I feel like I'm a joke. There are several people in my school who look at me in utter disgust every time I try and join in on a conversation. I don't know why they seem to hate me, and I have done everything I can to be nice and form a friendship, but nothing. I have long felt unwanted, alone, and stupid for trying.
So then how do I stand strong in the Lord, how do I take heart? How do I wait for his goodness and love? I have done what he asks of me: Submit yourselves to authority. I have submitted myself to my parents authority, and where do I find myself - in tears every Monday because of how unwanted I feel. I don't understand how both my sister and I are singled out. Why do we receive the most trouble? How do I take heart? Do I stand strong because I know I only have one more year? No...that's not good enough for me. Its not right for me to be treated and talked to the way I am by piers and adults. But what do I do? How do I talk to the adults when they have such a clear disdain for me? I feel like I'm butting my head against a wall hoping that it will give way but knowing that it never will.
My heart is weary and in pain. I'm tired of suffering and I so desperately want to lay down and let it pass over me. But I know if I do then they win. But I don't know how to stay strong, I don't know how I can take heart. My heart is in turmoil. I have cried out to God, begging him to give me an answer, but I hear nothing.
He has told me before, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not to harm you, pans to give you a hope and a future."
I know God knows the plans for my life but how is this prospering? Where is my hope?
Like the psalmist said, I know I will see the goodness of the Lord, but at this moment, I don't know how to stand firm, and I am losing heart.
~Catie
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
New Meanings
Last night I sat down to do a devotion, but I wasn't really sure where to start or what to read. I looked over and saw my devotional journal but didn't reach for it yet. I continued to look at it and i noticed a pen sticking out, so I took it off my shelf and opened it. I've read my journal entries so many times that I quickly put it down again. I decided that because I couldn't find anything to do a devotional on, that i might as well clean out my desk. While I was sifting through various papers that needed to be thrown away long ago, I came across a notepad filled with scripture. I took it and sat down on my bed. One verse in particular stuck out to me. It was 2Chorinthians 12:8
"My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Several things about this verse stand out to me. The first part of the verse says, "my grace is sufficient for you." Sufficient in my mind means the perfect amount or enough to satisfy the need. So Gods grace is enough for me, and "his power is made perfect in weakness." I think the last part of the verse is really something to step back and think about.
From the time I was a child, I've been taught how powerful and how awesome God is, but i realized that the only time I have truly experienced his power is when I am utterly weak. I think sometimes when we are going about our daily lives we feel spiritually "strong" and that feeling can be considered prideful. We think that "because I'm not experiencing any negative spiritual emotions" we don't need to be relying on him, and therefore we don't see God's power as clearly as we should. I find that it takes God breaking me for me to realize how wrong I was and how powerful he is. When we are utterly weak it is much easier to see God.
Now both parts of the verse have incredible meaning, however when you read it together it is mind blowing.
"My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in (your) weakness"
Gods grace is enough for us, and his power, his holiness, his mercy, and his love is made perfect (think about the word perfect, having no flaw; "it is made perfect") in our weakness.
Next time you sit down to do a devotional, and your not quite sure what to read, look back at your devotion journal. If you don't have one, I would suggest starting one. Its a great way to keep verses and write about your struggles. When you look back, not only will the verses contain a whole new meaning, but you will be able to see how God lead you through your struggles.
~Catie
"My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Several things about this verse stand out to me. The first part of the verse says, "my grace is sufficient for you." Sufficient in my mind means the perfect amount or enough to satisfy the need. So Gods grace is enough for me, and "his power is made perfect in weakness." I think the last part of the verse is really something to step back and think about.
From the time I was a child, I've been taught how powerful and how awesome God is, but i realized that the only time I have truly experienced his power is when I am utterly weak. I think sometimes when we are going about our daily lives we feel spiritually "strong" and that feeling can be considered prideful. We think that "because I'm not experiencing any negative spiritual emotions" we don't need to be relying on him, and therefore we don't see God's power as clearly as we should. I find that it takes God breaking me for me to realize how wrong I was and how powerful he is. When we are utterly weak it is much easier to see God.
Now both parts of the verse have incredible meaning, however when you read it together it is mind blowing.
"My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in (your) weakness"
Gods grace is enough for us, and his power, his holiness, his mercy, and his love is made perfect (think about the word perfect, having no flaw; "it is made perfect") in our weakness.
Next time you sit down to do a devotional, and your not quite sure what to read, look back at your devotion journal. If you don't have one, I would suggest starting one. Its a great way to keep verses and write about your struggles. When you look back, not only will the verses contain a whole new meaning, but you will be able to see how God lead you through your struggles.
~Catie
Monday, August 10, 2009
Friend Pains
A friend loveth at all times...
Even when its hard?
Even when you know that heart is scared?
Even when they mess up and go the wrong way?
Will you be the one who won't walk away?
Will you be the one who loves them in spite of it all?
The one who picks them up even when they fall?
The one they Go to when their worlds a mess
who calms and soothes them in their distress?
Will you be the friend who's always there?
Or will you be the friend that doesn't care?
I wrote this poem last year while I was struggling with two of my very close friends. Both were going through hard times in their life, and I was the only who stepped out and helped them. One of my friends, I discovered, had been taken advantage of by a family member. She had told almost every single one of my friends and no one had done anything about it. They just ignored her. I was taken aback at the way my other friends failed to respond. We are a body of believers, and I would hope that when you find something out like that you would tell someone. But they didn't.
I struggled with how to help her. I knew that I should and that I needed to, but I was completely inadequate to provide proper help. I had never experienced what she had gone through so I couldn't council her. I journaled almost every night, asking God what to do.
"There comes a time in life when you can no longer help. When the scares others have left on the ones you love have penetrated deeper then you thought possible. A heart breaks in two when one sees another whose heart has been shattered by the ones they sought protection from. Families protect and love, least that is the way God designed it. We are sinful and you soon realize how sinful we truly are. The world is a cruel place, but how much crueler does it become when your own family is feared. When a family member steals something so innocent from someone, how do you help that person?"
Like I said before, we are a body of believers, and in that body of believers there is hope. God placed an amazign woman in my life, who is a strong believer and who has gone through the exact same thing. I still praise God for putting her in both my life and the life of my friend. She was the best fit for this situation. She knew what to say and what not to say. She could sympathize and warn her about what not to do.
The hardest part ( and it still remains the hardest) was walking away. I was not the right person to council my friend, so I had to give her over to someone else. When I did, I stopped seeing her (that wasn't my choosing). Our paths didn't cross anymore, and now I sit here thinking about her. The last several months she has come across my mind, and I wonder how she is, if she has told anyone about what happened, or is she back into the same lifestyle that before had been so destructive. Each time I wonder this, God reminds me "I'm in control." Its the hardest thing for me to grasp and for me to take comfort in. I love my friend, and I still cry over her. I want to help her, I want to be there for her, I want to show he how much I do love her, but then God reminds me "I'm in control."
I may not always see then finish line, but God does. Its a hard concept for me to grasp because I can only see whats right in front of me. I can pray though, and that what I do. Whenever I think of her I pray, because God is in control.
~Catie
Even when its hard?
Even when you know that heart is scared?
Even when they mess up and go the wrong way?
Will you be the one who won't walk away?
Will you be the one who loves them in spite of it all?
The one who picks them up even when they fall?
The one they Go to when their worlds a mess
who calms and soothes them in their distress?
Will you be the friend who's always there?
Or will you be the friend that doesn't care?
I wrote this poem last year while I was struggling with two of my very close friends. Both were going through hard times in their life, and I was the only who stepped out and helped them. One of my friends, I discovered, had been taken advantage of by a family member. She had told almost every single one of my friends and no one had done anything about it. They just ignored her. I was taken aback at the way my other friends failed to respond. We are a body of believers, and I would hope that when you find something out like that you would tell someone. But they didn't.
I struggled with how to help her. I knew that I should and that I needed to, but I was completely inadequate to provide proper help. I had never experienced what she had gone through so I couldn't council her. I journaled almost every night, asking God what to do.
"There comes a time in life when you can no longer help. When the scares others have left on the ones you love have penetrated deeper then you thought possible. A heart breaks in two when one sees another whose heart has been shattered by the ones they sought protection from. Families protect and love, least that is the way God designed it. We are sinful and you soon realize how sinful we truly are. The world is a cruel place, but how much crueler does it become when your own family is feared. When a family member steals something so innocent from someone, how do you help that person?"
Like I said before, we are a body of believers, and in that body of believers there is hope. God placed an amazign woman in my life, who is a strong believer and who has gone through the exact same thing. I still praise God for putting her in both my life and the life of my friend. She was the best fit for this situation. She knew what to say and what not to say. She could sympathize and warn her about what not to do.
The hardest part ( and it still remains the hardest) was walking away. I was not the right person to council my friend, so I had to give her over to someone else. When I did, I stopped seeing her (that wasn't my choosing). Our paths didn't cross anymore, and now I sit here thinking about her. The last several months she has come across my mind, and I wonder how she is, if she has told anyone about what happened, or is she back into the same lifestyle that before had been so destructive. Each time I wonder this, God reminds me "I'm in control." Its the hardest thing for me to grasp and for me to take comfort in. I love my friend, and I still cry over her. I want to help her, I want to be there for her, I want to show he how much I do love her, but then God reminds me "I'm in control."
I may not always see then finish line, but God does. Its a hard concept for me to grasp because I can only see whats right in front of me. I can pray though, and that what I do. Whenever I think of her I pray, because God is in control.
~Catie
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Re-entering my World
I've just spent the last 10 days serving down in Tepatitlan Mexico. Tepaticlan is about an hour outside of Guadalajara. My team and I experienced amazing things while serving there, and I realized several things about myself.
I have always had a heart for the people of Mexico, and I feel God's calling on my life to go serve them. I have traveled to Mexico 6 times and plan to return in October. I have mainly served in Monterrey, and it wasn't until this trip that I decided to step out of the "safety net" of Monterrey because i felt God calling me to step up and serve him in a whole new way.
Re-entry into my life in the States after my last mission trip in October 08' was a disaster! I experienced the worst kind of spiritual attack and let myself become a very bitter person. I reached a breaking point in my life. I should have never walked away from God, but I found myself coming before him asking him to show me his plan for my life. I didn't realize how severely different my life was until several months later. I look back on that experience, sad because of the person I became, but overjoyed because of the life thats been restored in me.
Needless to say, re-entry into my life after this trip is a little scary to say the least. At the beginning of the trip I was terrified of experiencing the same spiritual attack I did last time. However I realized that God already had that under control. As the days went on I began to get a peace about me that can only be described as divine. I no longer doubt my purpose in Mexico, as I did previously. I see Gods hand in my life moving me to help churches and children homes. He has placed opportunities in my life, and with an obedient and willing heart, I accept them.
Goodbyes are always hard, but i feel as though this is not goodbye. I will see them again, if not on earth, then in heaven. They are my brothers and sisters in Christ, and Gods will in Tepatictlan, Monterrey, and all of mexico will be fufilled. I feel privledged to take part in his plan and I can't wait to see what else he has in store for me there.
Until I return, I'm sure God has much more for me to do here in my community.
~ Catie
I have always had a heart for the people of Mexico, and I feel God's calling on my life to go serve them. I have traveled to Mexico 6 times and plan to return in October. I have mainly served in Monterrey, and it wasn't until this trip that I decided to step out of the "safety net" of Monterrey because i felt God calling me to step up and serve him in a whole new way.
Re-entry into my life in the States after my last mission trip in October 08' was a disaster! I experienced the worst kind of spiritual attack and let myself become a very bitter person. I reached a breaking point in my life. I should have never walked away from God, but I found myself coming before him asking him to show me his plan for my life. I didn't realize how severely different my life was until several months later. I look back on that experience, sad because of the person I became, but overjoyed because of the life thats been restored in me.
Needless to say, re-entry into my life after this trip is a little scary to say the least. At the beginning of the trip I was terrified of experiencing the same spiritual attack I did last time. However I realized that God already had that under control. As the days went on I began to get a peace about me that can only be described as divine. I no longer doubt my purpose in Mexico, as I did previously. I see Gods hand in my life moving me to help churches and children homes. He has placed opportunities in my life, and with an obedient and willing heart, I accept them.
Goodbyes are always hard, but i feel as though this is not goodbye. I will see them again, if not on earth, then in heaven. They are my brothers and sisters in Christ, and Gods will in Tepatictlan, Monterrey, and all of mexico will be fufilled. I feel privledged to take part in his plan and I can't wait to see what else he has in store for me there.
Until I return, I'm sure God has much more for me to do here in my community.
~ Catie
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