I have been struggling deeply with some of the issues going on in my school. Last night, I was overcome with the feeling of hopelessness. I opened my bible and this is what I found.
Psalms 27:13 ~ I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord. Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
This verse is so hard to take hope in though. I feel as if I'm surrounded by vultures and they would like nothing better then to watch me die and then devour me so that nothing is left. The vultures are the people at my school. I have felt very strongly about my school for a long time and only now have I found the words to voice my thoughts. I must voice what I think because I refuse to let the vultures win and silence me forever. I have to take a stand, if I don't I am surely nothing.
I feel like an outcast. Every time I walk into the school, I feel the disapproving glares of the moms on my back. I feel unwelcome and unwanted. I dare to be different, I dare to say whats on my mind and immediately I'm marked as a threat. I have long felt unwanted.
I feel like I don't belong. I know that in every school everyone has their own group, but I feel as though I have been shut off by everyone. I have long felt unwanted and alone.
I feel like I'm a joke. There are several people in my school who look at me in utter disgust every time I try and join in on a conversation. I don't know why they seem to hate me, and I have done everything I can to be nice and form a friendship, but nothing. I have long felt unwanted, alone, and stupid for trying.
So then how do I stand strong in the Lord, how do I take heart? How do I wait for his goodness and love? I have done what he asks of me: Submit yourselves to authority. I have submitted myself to my parents authority, and where do I find myself - in tears every Monday because of how unwanted I feel. I don't understand how both my sister and I are singled out. Why do we receive the most trouble? How do I take heart? Do I stand strong because I know I only have one more year? No...that's not good enough for me. Its not right for me to be treated and talked to the way I am by piers and adults. But what do I do? How do I talk to the adults when they have such a clear disdain for me? I feel like I'm butting my head against a wall hoping that it will give way but knowing that it never will.
My heart is weary and in pain. I'm tired of suffering and I so desperately want to lay down and let it pass over me. But I know if I do then they win. But I don't know how to stay strong, I don't know how I can take heart. My heart is in turmoil. I have cried out to God, begging him to give me an answer, but I hear nothing.
He has told me before, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not to harm you, pans to give you a hope and a future."
I know God knows the plans for my life but how is this prospering? Where is my hope?
Like the psalmist said, I know I will see the goodness of the Lord, but at this moment, I don't know how to stand firm, and I am losing heart.
~Catie
Oh Catie, I am sorry that you are hurting. I wish I could enter the situation and proclaim to everyone what a wonderful young woman you are. I don't know what others think of you, but I have seen your inner beauty, your strength, your heart. You have so much to offer those around you.
ReplyDeleteI may not be able to "fix" this situation, but I can tell you that I find myself in a similar place emotionally. Something has happened that has rocked my view of God's plans for me. And I ask myself, "What if this is as good as His goodness gets in this area? What if things never change?"
It's a discouraging thought, I know. I am familiar with the pain you must be feeling. The only thing that has gotten me through is to cling to the things I KNOW to be true. I KNOW God loves me unfailingly. (Ps 13:5) I KNOW He can bring beauty from ashes. (Is 61:3) I KNOW that He uses times of pain and difficulty to build things in me that otherwise would not and could not be there. (Romans 5:3-5) And, lastly, I KNOW that he never allows anything in my life, but that it is useful for His plan.
Even the verse you share here says, "I am STILL confident of this..." Whatever the Psalmist is confident about, he learned in the past. He's standing on what He already knows to be true. I know you personally have seen His goodness come out of some miserable situations in your family. His goodness will come in this, just as it has in other hard things. And our knowledge of what He has done in the past is what you and I can "stand strong" on.
Just for fun, count how many times you say "I feel" or "It seems" in your blog. As women, our perception is strongly influenced by our feelings and our subjective thoughts. I'm not saying your view is wrong here, because I don't really know. But I AM saying that our distorted perception pushes us away from holding onto the things we know to be true, the things we can stand strong on. When we are consumed with that, there is not room for the other. That's when I feel the most alone and desperate.
When God draws this to my attention, I run to Him. I literally envision myself being held in His mighty hand and I recount with Him the things I know to be true. It is something that helps heal and strengthen my heart (until the next time my thoughts run away with me). I run to the security of His hand as many times as I have need. He has been faithful to meet me there. He may not change the situation. I may face the same things a hundred times over. But it is not as hard, because His view of me and my situation is the only one that matters. After spending time with Him in this way, what others do or think doesn't seem as important. I can make it through another day.
I don't know why God hasn't removed this "thorn" from your side when He could so in any number of ways. But I DO know that He will see you through it, even if nothing changes. I also know it will bring goodness - in you and in others - in ways you may never even dream of. Because that is the kind of God He is. I also know that I am proud of the woman you are becoming and I believe in you. I know He is answering your cries and this is what He's saying...
"Catie, you can still be confident of this: You WILL see the goodness of My Hand. Wait on me, be strong and take heart and wait on My Plan. I love you and will always faithfully be Your Abba Father."
Love you, my "daughter"! My heart is with you.
Thanks for sharing your heart.
It has been an encouragement to me.
Faithfully yours,
L