If I could give you anything I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes.
Isn't it funny how other people are always able to see the best things about you. We tend to see ourselves through the lens of our failures, rarely able to see our good qualities.
I love my friends because of who they are, both their short comings and there triumphs. Sometimes I think God gives me his eyes to see people as he sees them.
Know that your failures make you who you are in your triumphs. Because of your failings you learn, grow, and are able to teach others. Triumphs are based in your faith in God because he is the only one who is able to make you successful. Each of your qualities are special not because of how they affect other people but because God gave them to you. When he made you, he formed your body, picked out the color of your hair, the color of your eyes, and then sat down and added in your personality. Some he made some to sing, others to dance, others to laugh, others to sympathize, and still others to be silly. He delights over you not because your awesome but because he made you. He loved everything about you so much so that it says he delights over you with singing!
I love my friends for who they are being grown into. God has also provided an amazing guy in my life. He is incredible not because of how he makes me feel (even though I always have butterflies when I'm around him) and not because he always does what I tell him to (which is sometimes annoying but good) but because he is a man after God own heart. He is insanely teachable. He strives to be a leader and seeks wisdom from older men in his life. Whenever he has doubts, he seeks truth. He knows what it means to guard my heart because he sees me through Gods eyes and knows I'm His daughter.
If he could see himself through my eyes....he would understand why I care about him so much
If my friends could see themselves through my eyes they would understand that I butt in because I care, that I say what I do because I love them and that when I open up to them its because I know I can trust them.
I love my friend so much!! Thanks for being part of my life and walking through the good and the bad with me :)
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Broken promises...
Have you ever made a promise to someone that you later realized your couldn't keep? Do you remember how you felt when you had to confront them about it? The look of disappointment on their face when they realized you couldn't live up to your own commitments...
I made a commitment to God to stay single for this past semester...a commitment which I did not hold to. Instead of trusting in God and relying on his strength, I decided to trust in what I could see and what was in front of me. Choosing to do this left me with several consequences. First off, I had to stand before God and ask for forgiveness. After all, I made the commitment to Him and when I broke it I offended God first. However, I also let my friends down.
Working through forgiveness between God and I was hard but adding disappointment from my friends onto that made it much harder. As much as I hate it at times, people watch me and look up to me. I honestly don't know why anyone would want to look up to me at all cause I seem to do a pretty good job at messing up, but people do anyway. What I didn't know was that my commitment to trust in God and stay single was a really bold statement, and several people looked up to me and respected me for that. When I broke that, they lost some respect for me.
Now I could say that I don't care what people think about me, but that would be a lie.
I want to write this to my girls,
I'm not perfect I'm learning and growing, and sometimes that means failing...that being said...what I did by dishonoring my commitment to God was wrong. There's no way around it...I broke a commitment. Because of that I know that there are consequences. I know that and will accept them. One of the consequences have been letting people down. I'm a people pleaser and so whenever I let someone down it kills me! I'd prefer for people to be mad instead of disappointed.
Please don't think that I just made a decision based off of emotion without considering the commitment I made to stay single. Now you may think "wow how could you knowingly make a decision to break a commitment with God and then how could you be okay with it." Well...I began breaking the commitment without knowing it and then when I became aware I had two choices, one to stop lying and call the relationship what it was, or continue lying. I decided to fess up. And I wasn't okay with it at first, I would've loved to continue lying to myself and I considered it several times. But I didn't. I decided that although coming clean meant subjecting myself to the possible scrutiny of others it was the right thing to do. I had a long talk with God and was very ashamed to come to him. I was so mad at myself for not honoring a commitment and even more ashamed to have to tell people about it.
The truth is, my actions were called out by God and because of that I had to deal with it before him first. But I am aware that people are also affected. If I have made anyone stumble I'm truly sorry. Know that walking with God is a learning process...and when you fail God's not the only one who sees it...which I guess is good cause it means the body of christ can hold you accountable :)
Everything we learn now is meant to teach us later in life. I know that God is continuing to teach me...sadly I'll continue failing but hopefully through my failures God teaches me who he is and who I am in him. The battle will never be over until we are in his presence....which could be considered depressing but when you think about it, it means that your always being given a second and third and fourth chance. Gods grace and mercy is INCREDIBLE and yet when we choose to walk with him, he gives it to us in abundance!
I made a commitment to God to stay single for this past semester...a commitment which I did not hold to. Instead of trusting in God and relying on his strength, I decided to trust in what I could see and what was in front of me. Choosing to do this left me with several consequences. First off, I had to stand before God and ask for forgiveness. After all, I made the commitment to Him and when I broke it I offended God first. However, I also let my friends down.
Working through forgiveness between God and I was hard but adding disappointment from my friends onto that made it much harder. As much as I hate it at times, people watch me and look up to me. I honestly don't know why anyone would want to look up to me at all cause I seem to do a pretty good job at messing up, but people do anyway. What I didn't know was that my commitment to trust in God and stay single was a really bold statement, and several people looked up to me and respected me for that. When I broke that, they lost some respect for me.
Now I could say that I don't care what people think about me, but that would be a lie.
I want to write this to my girls,
I'm not perfect I'm learning and growing, and sometimes that means failing...that being said...what I did by dishonoring my commitment to God was wrong. There's no way around it...I broke a commitment. Because of that I know that there are consequences. I know that and will accept them. One of the consequences have been letting people down. I'm a people pleaser and so whenever I let someone down it kills me! I'd prefer for people to be mad instead of disappointed.
Please don't think that I just made a decision based off of emotion without considering the commitment I made to stay single. Now you may think "wow how could you knowingly make a decision to break a commitment with God and then how could you be okay with it." Well...I began breaking the commitment without knowing it and then when I became aware I had two choices, one to stop lying and call the relationship what it was, or continue lying. I decided to fess up. And I wasn't okay with it at first, I would've loved to continue lying to myself and I considered it several times. But I didn't. I decided that although coming clean meant subjecting myself to the possible scrutiny of others it was the right thing to do. I had a long talk with God and was very ashamed to come to him. I was so mad at myself for not honoring a commitment and even more ashamed to have to tell people about it.
The truth is, my actions were called out by God and because of that I had to deal with it before him first. But I am aware that people are also affected. If I have made anyone stumble I'm truly sorry. Know that walking with God is a learning process...and when you fail God's not the only one who sees it...which I guess is good cause it means the body of christ can hold you accountable :)
Everything we learn now is meant to teach us later in life. I know that God is continuing to teach me...sadly I'll continue failing but hopefully through my failures God teaches me who he is and who I am in him. The battle will never be over until we are in his presence....which could be considered depressing but when you think about it, it means that your always being given a second and third and fourth chance. Gods grace and mercy is INCREDIBLE and yet when we choose to walk with him, he gives it to us in abundance!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Who Am I?
Who am I that you love me I turn away
seek my plan
speak against you
forget your mercy
forget your comfort
forget your love
Who am I that you intervene in my life?
I don't deserve your love yet you love me enough to reveal truth in my life.
You allow me to accept concequences
and you teach me
Who am I that even through my failures you use me
You take a broken heart, a sinful life and you use it
Who am I?
I am Yours!
You bought my life at the price of your own.
Everlasting love displayed in my father giving up his life for his rebelling daughter
I did not seek you
Yet you drew me to yourself
I did not choose you
Yet you hand-picked me to be yours
I am yours
You are mine
Worthy are you
My heart cries out
My soul thirsts for you
My body pants for your word
My heart is filled with joy
Your beauty is displayed in who you are
and in what you do
and in your word
How precious
How beautiful
How loving
How amazing
How merciful you are...
Your intricicies are displayed in the beauty of your creation
the colors and patterns of the created burst forth song
Each color speaks of who you are
every note of your plans
every sunset of your beauty
Only you are worthy
I am nothing
Yet to you I am made whole
In your eyes I am beautiful
You delight over me with singing
You hold me in your arms
You formed me
You know me
I am yours
May your will be done with my life!
seek my plan
speak against you
forget your mercy
forget your comfort
forget your love
Who am I that you intervene in my life?
I don't deserve your love yet you love me enough to reveal truth in my life.
You allow me to accept concequences
and you teach me
Who am I that even through my failures you use me
You take a broken heart, a sinful life and you use it
Who am I?
I am Yours!
You bought my life at the price of your own.
Everlasting love displayed in my father giving up his life for his rebelling daughter
I did not seek you
Yet you drew me to yourself
I did not choose you
Yet you hand-picked me to be yours
I am yours
You are mine
Worthy are you
My heart cries out
My soul thirsts for you
My body pants for your word
My heart is filled with joy
Your beauty is displayed in who you are
and in what you do
and in your word
How precious
How beautiful
How loving
How amazing
How merciful you are...
Your intricicies are displayed in the beauty of your creation
the colors and patterns of the created burst forth song
Each color speaks of who you are
every note of your plans
every sunset of your beauty
Only you are worthy
I am nothing
Yet to you I am made whole
In your eyes I am beautiful
You delight over me with singing
You hold me in your arms
You formed me
You know me
I am yours
May your will be done with my life!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
I Dare You...
One month ago, God challanged me with a dare. He said, "Catie I dare you to find out what it looks like to be completly focused on who I am." And I took it.
As soon as he challanged me with that dare, he followed up by asking me to fast from secular music and tv. I found that those things consumed my time and pulled my focus away from who he was. As I began to dive head first into what it looked like to be consumed by him, he began opening my eyes to his glory, his beauty and his divine nature. Through the process I realized I had sought identity in things other then him. He began to fix my face upon his, and show me what it was like to be found in him. Things I had struggled with in the past, and continue to struggle with he has helped me to overcome. He has unraveled the lies and deceptive words the devil told me over the past several months, and he helped me forgive myself.
Part of being consumed by God means having your identy in him and being like him. Loving him in all circumstances, rejoicing in persecution, and growing inspite of your own sinfulness. When we are consumed by him, we are filled with who he is: loving, forgiving, patient, compassionate, graceful and full of joy. God began filling me with each one of those. But forgivness was one I didn't quite understand. Because I didn't understand how to forgive myself and those who had recently hurt me, I put it off. But God wanted to do something with me, and I knew that in order to be fully consumed by him, I had to fully let go of any hinderances, and obstacles in my life. So I sat down with God, and we began the process of self-forgivness.
It took me a while to understand what forgiveness was. I found an awesome definition of it..."forgivness is not expecting payment for wrongs." I had wronged so many people in my life recenly, and being the "you must get punished for every bad thing you do" kind of person I am, I didn't understand how I could just move on from what had happened. I messed up, I needed to fix it.
But then God reminded me of his truth. He said, "you messed up, but I have the power to fix it." I have tried in the past to fix things, but in the end it only looks like a small bandaid over and gaping wound. Only God knows how to redeem (not fix) lifes circumstances.
I remember when I got it. When I realized I had to forgive myself and that I could forgive myself. God gave me the words to say, and I had to say them out loud in order for them to sink in. I said, "Its okay, what I did was wrong, but God forgives me and he is redeeming me." The more I began to say it, the more I began to believe the words. And now I fully believe them. Now I never want to repeat the misakes, but I know that the mistakes I've made are going to be redeemed by God, cause he is that awesome!
So I dare you....I dare you for a week, two weeks, or a month, to see what your life would look like to be completly consumed by who God is. Its a challenge I'm not going to lie...it takes perserverance, but the most beautiful thing about it is that God is with you every step of the way, holding you, guiding you and speaking truth and wisdom into your life.
I took the challage and God did increcible things in my life. I dare you to see what he will do in yours!
"Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high priviledge of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant. I've dumped it all into the trash so that I could embrace Christ." - Philipians 3:8 (The Message)
~Catie
As soon as he challanged me with that dare, he followed up by asking me to fast from secular music and tv. I found that those things consumed my time and pulled my focus away from who he was. As I began to dive head first into what it looked like to be consumed by him, he began opening my eyes to his glory, his beauty and his divine nature. Through the process I realized I had sought identity in things other then him. He began to fix my face upon his, and show me what it was like to be found in him. Things I had struggled with in the past, and continue to struggle with he has helped me to overcome. He has unraveled the lies and deceptive words the devil told me over the past several months, and he helped me forgive myself.
Part of being consumed by God means having your identy in him and being like him. Loving him in all circumstances, rejoicing in persecution, and growing inspite of your own sinfulness. When we are consumed by him, we are filled with who he is: loving, forgiving, patient, compassionate, graceful and full of joy. God began filling me with each one of those. But forgivness was one I didn't quite understand. Because I didn't understand how to forgive myself and those who had recently hurt me, I put it off. But God wanted to do something with me, and I knew that in order to be fully consumed by him, I had to fully let go of any hinderances, and obstacles in my life. So I sat down with God, and we began the process of self-forgivness.
It took me a while to understand what forgiveness was. I found an awesome definition of it..."forgivness is not expecting payment for wrongs." I had wronged so many people in my life recenly, and being the "you must get punished for every bad thing you do" kind of person I am, I didn't understand how I could just move on from what had happened. I messed up, I needed to fix it.
But then God reminded me of his truth. He said, "you messed up, but I have the power to fix it." I have tried in the past to fix things, but in the end it only looks like a small bandaid over and gaping wound. Only God knows how to redeem (not fix) lifes circumstances.
I remember when I got it. When I realized I had to forgive myself and that I could forgive myself. God gave me the words to say, and I had to say them out loud in order for them to sink in. I said, "Its okay, what I did was wrong, but God forgives me and he is redeeming me." The more I began to say it, the more I began to believe the words. And now I fully believe them. Now I never want to repeat the misakes, but I know that the mistakes I've made are going to be redeemed by God, cause he is that awesome!
So I dare you....I dare you for a week, two weeks, or a month, to see what your life would look like to be completly consumed by who God is. Its a challenge I'm not going to lie...it takes perserverance, but the most beautiful thing about it is that God is with you every step of the way, holding you, guiding you and speaking truth and wisdom into your life.
I took the challage and God did increcible things in my life. I dare you to see what he will do in yours!
"Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high priviledge of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant. I've dumped it all into the trash so that I could embrace Christ." - Philipians 3:8 (The Message)
~Catie
Monday, October 25, 2010
Starting Over
Those words "starting over" have been used more in the last several months/weeks then I think I've ever used them in my entire life.
This week marks an anniversary for me, and not one I'm happy of. This time last year I began to go down a very bad path. I began walking away from God, and turning into myself, my sin and my desires. Previous blogs have explained in more detail what hppened, and how relationships were destroyed. I suffered so many consequences, and am still living through the consequences of my actions. But even through my rebellion, God fought for me.
I love Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
God had/has a plan for my life, and he has never let me go through it. I am amazed, extreamly humbled and in complete awe that God would want to use a rebellious and sinful person like me, yet he gives me the opportunity to be part of his plan every day.
....God is amazing, anyone who thinks less has never experienced his all encompassing love, joy and peace. Through my struggles, through my horrible human example of who Christ is...he redeems me, he uses me, he leads me in his plan. Thats completly mind blowing! I walk away, he gives me another chance. I fall down, he picks me back up. He teaches me with love, speaks truth into my confused life, and has instilled his pure joy me so that I can face struggles with his confidence.
Someone told me the other day that many people think that your a good christian if things in your life are going good...however I've found the exact opposite. Your walk with God is the strongest when you are relying on him for your every need. That means in the good and bad. We tend to rely on God when things are bad, and I am guilty of this, but think about it...we need God in every situation, whether it is while we are under spiritual attack or if it's to make a decision to go hang with friends. When I first encountered this type of thinking I pushed back. After all, I'm an adult, I know how to make decisions, I know what to do! Yeah....but then again how often do I get myself into a whole because of my actions. When you rely on God for guidance, seek him in every action things become less stressful. On that note I want to just add a little food for thought: If we are not our own (since we were purchased at the price of Christs blood) what makes us think that our agenda is our own? Do we really understand what it like to give our whole self over and let God be the Lord of our life?
I would say that I don't know how to do that. I don't think I'll ever be perfect at dying to myself and letting him reign in every aspect of my life. If I was able to do that it would be awesome, but my sinful nature holds me back from perfection. Although I will never be able to achieve perfection, I still strive to dye to myself. And its painful, its a process, and I fail many times. But a beautiful thing about God is that he just says "Its okay, so you failed. This time try relying on me instead of your own strength."
A couple days ago I sat down with God and he told me I needed to finally close the chapter of this last year. He lead me to Psalms 34. If you have a chance to read it I would highly encourage you to. But in short David is praising God for the ways in which God interevened in his life to save him. One of the verses that stuck out to me was Psalm 34:4 "I sought the lord and he answered me, he delivered me from all my fears." I love this verse because it reminds me of the goodness, faithfulness and love of God. God didn't leave me in the dirt, he answered me and delivered me from myself!
So I'm starting over....again. And thats okay! Life doesn't have a reset button but in a sense God does. He picks us up from out of the mud, sets us on solid ground, washes the dirt off and says, "Okay lets do this again." And because of that I know that no matter how many times I fall he will always take me back.
"The lord redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him." -Psalm 34:22
~Catie
This week marks an anniversary for me, and not one I'm happy of. This time last year I began to go down a very bad path. I began walking away from God, and turning into myself, my sin and my desires. Previous blogs have explained in more detail what hppened, and how relationships were destroyed. I suffered so many consequences, and am still living through the consequences of my actions. But even through my rebellion, God fought for me.
I love Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
God had/has a plan for my life, and he has never let me go through it. I am amazed, extreamly humbled and in complete awe that God would want to use a rebellious and sinful person like me, yet he gives me the opportunity to be part of his plan every day.
....God is amazing, anyone who thinks less has never experienced his all encompassing love, joy and peace. Through my struggles, through my horrible human example of who Christ is...he redeems me, he uses me, he leads me in his plan. Thats completly mind blowing! I walk away, he gives me another chance. I fall down, he picks me back up. He teaches me with love, speaks truth into my confused life, and has instilled his pure joy me so that I can face struggles with his confidence.
Someone told me the other day that many people think that your a good christian if things in your life are going good...however I've found the exact opposite. Your walk with God is the strongest when you are relying on him for your every need. That means in the good and bad. We tend to rely on God when things are bad, and I am guilty of this, but think about it...we need God in every situation, whether it is while we are under spiritual attack or if it's to make a decision to go hang with friends. When I first encountered this type of thinking I pushed back. After all, I'm an adult, I know how to make decisions, I know what to do! Yeah....but then again how often do I get myself into a whole because of my actions. When you rely on God for guidance, seek him in every action things become less stressful. On that note I want to just add a little food for thought: If we are not our own (since we were purchased at the price of Christs blood) what makes us think that our agenda is our own? Do we really understand what it like to give our whole self over and let God be the Lord of our life?
I would say that I don't know how to do that. I don't think I'll ever be perfect at dying to myself and letting him reign in every aspect of my life. If I was able to do that it would be awesome, but my sinful nature holds me back from perfection. Although I will never be able to achieve perfection, I still strive to dye to myself. And its painful, its a process, and I fail many times. But a beautiful thing about God is that he just says "Its okay, so you failed. This time try relying on me instead of your own strength."
A couple days ago I sat down with God and he told me I needed to finally close the chapter of this last year. He lead me to Psalms 34. If you have a chance to read it I would highly encourage you to. But in short David is praising God for the ways in which God interevened in his life to save him. One of the verses that stuck out to me was Psalm 34:4 "I sought the lord and he answered me, he delivered me from all my fears." I love this verse because it reminds me of the goodness, faithfulness and love of God. God didn't leave me in the dirt, he answered me and delivered me from myself!
So I'm starting over....again. And thats okay! Life doesn't have a reset button but in a sense God does. He picks us up from out of the mud, sets us on solid ground, washes the dirt off and says, "Okay lets do this again." And because of that I know that no matter how many times I fall he will always take me back.
"The lord redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him." -Psalm 34:22
~Catie
Friday, October 15, 2010
Finding my Identity...
I want to start of this blog entry with recouting a conversation I had with a friend of mine the other day. He told me that he was asked a question, "What person or people would you want to emulate your life after." He told me that I was one of those people.
I tell this story not to credit myself but to use it in order to begin to explain what God has been doing in my life over the past year. I won't be able to explain everything in one blog entry, but I can scratch the surface.
This time last year, I had a major identity crisis. Although I didn't realize it at the time, I was placing my value, my worth, my comfort, trust, hopes, and dreams into people. And, when they let me down, I was crushed. But I didn't know I was doing this, and so blindly I went on. I placed it in a frienship which betrayed me, and I placed it in a relationship which destroyed me. God was slowly and painfully taking away the things that were a distraction.
I had a moment of clarity in January; God revealed to me my identity in him an his plan for my life. However, I didn't undersand how to truely place my identity in him and so as soon as I got my "spiritual fix" I went right back into relationships and placed my identity once again in what they could offer me.
After that relationship ended, I knew I needed God, but I didn't want him. I didn't want the comfort I hd heard he could offer, and so I sought for comfort, for love and acceptance from relationship after relationship, until finally God had enough. He pulled me out of those relationships and set me back in his presence and no matter how much I tried to run he held me tight. See, God had something to teach me.
After coming home from my mission trip in Asia, God asked me to be single for the fall semester. After a couple of days I agreed. I knew God wanted to show me something, however I had no idea what it was. Over the last several months, I have struggled with giving up relationships. Slowly, and ever so lovingly God has peeled back my fingers and allowed me to release my grip on my mistaken identity.
I listened to a sermon in which the pastor made a clear point which has stuck with me. He said, "Why do we place our identity in the things God owns, instead of in God himself?" I was placing my identity in people, who God made and who are also flawed and prone to disapointment. God is not flawed, he never disapoints, he always forgives, always loves and always comforts us. I was challenged with this thought: If I truely believe those things about God, then how come I seek for those things in man instead of in him.
It says in John 5:44 "How can you believe (in God) if you accept praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only God?" or as it is put in the Message, "How do you expect to get anywhere with God when you spend all your time jockeying for position with eachother, ranking your rivals and ignoring God?"
I am in no means perfect. My life over the last year has been a complete disaster to say the least! But God s gracious. He has showed me mercy over and over again. He has had compassion on me through the consequences I've had to face because of the bad decisions, and he has forgiven not condemed me. He is the only one who could ever truely love me. He knows the crap in my life better then I do and he accepts me for that. He accept me, yet I sought acceptance from other people. He loved me, yet I gave my love to other people, and he forgave me even when I couldn't forgive myself.
This past year has been horrible, and I would never willingly repeat it. But I know that God has a purpose and that he has grown me in huge ways. I still stuggle, I still fall. I know I can never be perfect but I also know that God doesn't expect perfection, he just askes me to humble myself to him and be obedient to his calling.
People have told me recently how much they admire my passion and my love for God, and I honestly have to say that the passion people see is a direct result of Gos grace, love and mercy in my life; it is nothing of myself. Each day is a struggle but with each day brings new mercies from God. I am continually forgiven and continually reminded of how much he loves me.
So as for my my identity...I belong to Christ. In him I am made complete, and yes it is a daily challange not to resort back to people and relationships for comfort, God gives me his strenght and allows me to rely on him for perserverance.
"May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise." -Psalms 119:76
~Catie
I tell this story not to credit myself but to use it in order to begin to explain what God has been doing in my life over the past year. I won't be able to explain everything in one blog entry, but I can scratch the surface.
This time last year, I had a major identity crisis. Although I didn't realize it at the time, I was placing my value, my worth, my comfort, trust, hopes, and dreams into people. And, when they let me down, I was crushed. But I didn't know I was doing this, and so blindly I went on. I placed it in a frienship which betrayed me, and I placed it in a relationship which destroyed me. God was slowly and painfully taking away the things that were a distraction.
I had a moment of clarity in January; God revealed to me my identity in him an his plan for my life. However, I didn't undersand how to truely place my identity in him and so as soon as I got my "spiritual fix" I went right back into relationships and placed my identity once again in what they could offer me.
After that relationship ended, I knew I needed God, but I didn't want him. I didn't want the comfort I hd heard he could offer, and so I sought for comfort, for love and acceptance from relationship after relationship, until finally God had enough. He pulled me out of those relationships and set me back in his presence and no matter how much I tried to run he held me tight. See, God had something to teach me.
After coming home from my mission trip in Asia, God asked me to be single for the fall semester. After a couple of days I agreed. I knew God wanted to show me something, however I had no idea what it was. Over the last several months, I have struggled with giving up relationships. Slowly, and ever so lovingly God has peeled back my fingers and allowed me to release my grip on my mistaken identity.
I listened to a sermon in which the pastor made a clear point which has stuck with me. He said, "Why do we place our identity in the things God owns, instead of in God himself?" I was placing my identity in people, who God made and who are also flawed and prone to disapointment. God is not flawed, he never disapoints, he always forgives, always loves and always comforts us. I was challenged with this thought: If I truely believe those things about God, then how come I seek for those things in man instead of in him.
It says in John 5:44 "How can you believe (in God) if you accept praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only God?" or as it is put in the Message, "How do you expect to get anywhere with God when you spend all your time jockeying for position with eachother, ranking your rivals and ignoring God?"
I am in no means perfect. My life over the last year has been a complete disaster to say the least! But God s gracious. He has showed me mercy over and over again. He has had compassion on me through the consequences I've had to face because of the bad decisions, and he has forgiven not condemed me. He is the only one who could ever truely love me. He knows the crap in my life better then I do and he accepts me for that. He accept me, yet I sought acceptance from other people. He loved me, yet I gave my love to other people, and he forgave me even when I couldn't forgive myself.
This past year has been horrible, and I would never willingly repeat it. But I know that God has a purpose and that he has grown me in huge ways. I still stuggle, I still fall. I know I can never be perfect but I also know that God doesn't expect perfection, he just askes me to humble myself to him and be obedient to his calling.
People have told me recently how much they admire my passion and my love for God, and I honestly have to say that the passion people see is a direct result of Gos grace, love and mercy in my life; it is nothing of myself. Each day is a struggle but with each day brings new mercies from God. I am continually forgiven and continually reminded of how much he loves me.
So as for my my identity...I belong to Christ. In him I am made complete, and yes it is a daily challange not to resort back to people and relationships for comfort, God gives me his strenght and allows me to rely on him for perserverance.
"May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise." -Psalms 119:76
~Catie
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Addicted
So I decided to try something new with my blog and open it up for questions. This was one of the questions that I was asked.
"What do you say to someone who is addicted to drugs and alcohol? Someone who isn't even 21 yet... How do you help them get out of that hole of addiction? And someone whose parent figures are ok with it..."
Well, first of all my question would be do you want to get out of the hole? I personally have struggled with sexual addiction for the past 13 years and it has been very hard to overcome. In fact I have only now started changing.
About four months ago I completly gave into my addicton and persued relationship after relationship that would satisfy my needs and my desires. It became a daily/ hourly struggle against my addiction. After a month of abusing my body and letting other people abuse my body I reached a breaking point. I felt violated by myself and the people I chose to share myself with. I knew I had to change, but I didn't know how.
The beauty of growing up in a christian home is that I have a strong support system around me. I confessed my addiction to my parents and my closest friend. Through thier help I was able to seek help through councilling. At first I quit cold turkey, which was unbearably hard. I had sought comfort, escape and happiness from my addiction. I made it 24 days and then fell back into it. It was so hard, and although I knew what I was doing was wrong, I justified it by saying that "Well everyone else does it too, they just don't talk about it." I'm not really sure what caused me to quit for good, but I think it was that I was just so disgusted with myself that I knew I had to change. I didn't want to be a slave to my addiction anymore.
Its been several months, and I haven't let my addiction control me. It is very hard at times. For example, this week, its been hard. I've realized that when I watch movies that are very sexually graphic that it adds to the struggle.
I use my example because I think that all addictions, wheather they are to drugs, alcohol, sex, porn etc., that they are all means of escape, they are all enslaving and they are all very hard to overcome.
My advice would be to find people around you who will support you to make a change, if you want to change. Something that was hard for me was the uncertainty of whether I wanted to change. I sought so much security from my addiction, that when I decided to give it up, I felt lost. Do you want to live the way your living now? If not, then its time to change.
If there is no one close to you who can help you change, then I would encourage you going to seek help from a church or a councillor. I was really embarrased to admit my addiction, but now as I look back I realize that everyone struggles with something. You can find strenght through your struggles, and down the road you can use your struggles to encourage someone else who finds themselves in the same spot.
Addiction is slavery, but you can break through the bondage. It starts with a choice.
"in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us" - Romans 8:37
"What do you say to someone who is addicted to drugs and alcohol? Someone who isn't even 21 yet... How do you help them get out of that hole of addiction? And someone whose parent figures are ok with it..."
Well, first of all my question would be do you want to get out of the hole? I personally have struggled with sexual addiction for the past 13 years and it has been very hard to overcome. In fact I have only now started changing.
About four months ago I completly gave into my addicton and persued relationship after relationship that would satisfy my needs and my desires. It became a daily/ hourly struggle against my addiction. After a month of abusing my body and letting other people abuse my body I reached a breaking point. I felt violated by myself and the people I chose to share myself with. I knew I had to change, but I didn't know how.
The beauty of growing up in a christian home is that I have a strong support system around me. I confessed my addiction to my parents and my closest friend. Through thier help I was able to seek help through councilling. At first I quit cold turkey, which was unbearably hard. I had sought comfort, escape and happiness from my addiction. I made it 24 days and then fell back into it. It was so hard, and although I knew what I was doing was wrong, I justified it by saying that "Well everyone else does it too, they just don't talk about it." I'm not really sure what caused me to quit for good, but I think it was that I was just so disgusted with myself that I knew I had to change. I didn't want to be a slave to my addiction anymore.
Its been several months, and I haven't let my addiction control me. It is very hard at times. For example, this week, its been hard. I've realized that when I watch movies that are very sexually graphic that it adds to the struggle.
I use my example because I think that all addictions, wheather they are to drugs, alcohol, sex, porn etc., that they are all means of escape, they are all enslaving and they are all very hard to overcome.
My advice would be to find people around you who will support you to make a change, if you want to change. Something that was hard for me was the uncertainty of whether I wanted to change. I sought so much security from my addiction, that when I decided to give it up, I felt lost. Do you want to live the way your living now? If not, then its time to change.
If there is no one close to you who can help you change, then I would encourage you going to seek help from a church or a councillor. I was really embarrased to admit my addiction, but now as I look back I realize that everyone struggles with something. You can find strenght through your struggles, and down the road you can use your struggles to encourage someone else who finds themselves in the same spot.
Addiction is slavery, but you can break through the bondage. It starts with a choice.
"in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us" - Romans 8:37
Thursday, August 19, 2010
You Ask I'll Answer
I want to try something a little new with my blog. This blog is entitled from my heart to yours. The reason I named it that was inorder to share my struggles and my triumphs in my walk with Christ. So much has gone on in these last couple of months and alot of people have asked me questions about my struggles. So I want to open up my blog for questions. Part of living a transparent life is to be able to share things with people without them asking but also being willing to let them ask you the hard questions. I'm pretty wierd and I love being asked hard questions because it challenges me to find the hard truth.
Don't worry about asking anything to personal. I'm opening my heart and will answer any question you have. Just comment on this blog entry or send me a facebook message to ask :)
Don't worry about asking anything to personal. I'm opening my heart and will answer any question you have. Just comment on this blog entry or send me a facebook message to ask :)
The Pain of Wounds Re-Opened
A wound is mysterious thing, because the pain is the most severe upon initial impact, yet the throb and scar remind you day after day of what either you did to yourself or what others have done to you.
Wound's suck....thats just the truth. We all have them, we've all caused them. I wish it were different, but it isn't. Most of our deepest wounds come from those close to us, because they are the only ones who know us well enough to truely hurt us.
As someone whose been hurt the same way over and over throughout the years, it pains me when I realize I've hurt other people. I'm a human, and I'm flawed, and as much as I wish I was perfect and never did anything to hurt anyone...I do, I have and unless I realize it now I will continue to hurt people in the same way.
Someone once told me that you hurt people in a similar way to how you've been hurt. Thinking on this now, it completly makes sense. My wound, my scar that constantly seems to be re-opened is the pain of abandonment. Now my parents never left me, or got a divorce, but the abondonment stems from my school transition from private to homeschooling. I had attended the same private school since kindergarden, with the same group of friends who also went to my church. As the cost of the private school went up, my parents decided that it was time to leave the school and they choose homeschooling over public schooling. In this transiton, and for a number of reasons, I lost all of my friends. Going from having the same friends who support you and encourage you everyday to no friends at all was a shock. I began to feel unloved, alone, and struggled with suicidal depression.
Looking back on it, it seems silly that changing schools would've had that big of an impact on me. Maybe it was my false sense of security in my friends or an idea that the phrase "best friend forever" really meant forever. Regardless, I was still left alone. That was the first blow.
Over the years I learned to harden my heart against it, scar tissue had begun forming. I made friends with a group of girls in 7th and 8th grade, but never felt close to them because I held myself off at a distance, afraid I would get hurt again. We parted ways at the beginning of high school for a variety of reasons, and I began to meet new friends, some of which I had known for years, but just started hanging out with. They've been my rock through highschool. They stood by me when my mom was sick with breast cancer, they stood by me when my world would go crazy, they stood by me no matter what, and because of that I opened my heart.
Without realizing it, I placed myself in the position to be pierced deeper then the initial impact had gone. The second blow came in october of 2009. A long time girldfriend of mine left. I don't understand the reason, and I can't explain the cause, but out of no where, she decided we weren't friends anymore. Its hard to think of the words to use to explain how badly this hurt. It felt like a knife was thrust into my chest and then being twisted. Not only did I physically feel a sore pain in my chest, but I was natious and sick for several days. We had been friends for 5 years, I opened my heart, and she just walked away.
The third blow; this one was different because it came from a guy. Like I said before, I'm not perfect and it still breaks my heart how my actions hurt him. After recently being hurt so deeply again by my friend I began to do the only thing I knew how which was protect and push people away. I began pushing him away and in so doing so, I began to hurt him in the same way I was hurting. So many things happened in that relationship that were wrong, we both hurt eachother in order to protect ourselfs and save ourselfs from the pain of what we knew was our biggest wound. In the end, we abandoned eachother. This was the first time in my life where I had ever pushed anyone so far as for them to walk away from me. And I was surprised. I honestly don't know why I was, I had pushed, and he had finally left. But there I was, alone again.
Because of the drama that surrounded that previous relationship, I also pushed my friends away. They didn't know what was going on, but how could they have if I didn't explain it to them. There were points during those months when I feared my best friend would leave me too because he didn't understand or accept what I was dealing with. But he didn't, others did.
The last blow, or most reacent I should say, came Tuesday afternoon...this is when I truely realized that my friends, all the people who I had surrounded myself over the last few years, had left. Not only had they left, but it was of my own doing. I pushed to protect myself, and what did I do instead? I hurt myself. (Odd how that works)
Now there have been some people who have stuck it out with me, who asked probably scary questions during a hard part of my life, and who never allowed the opinions of others to sway thier view of me. In all honestly, I'm not sure why they have't left me. They've seen the crap thats been in my life these last few months, some of them have even seen whats been going on these last few years. I will never really be able to express how grateful I am for them.
But wounds still hurt, consequences for lifes decisions still suck. Its like a burden that only you alone can carry. I go to God for comfort and wisdom and have begged him to take away the pain, but I know that I have to live with the consequences of the choices I've made. It makes it harder to bear when the consequences pierce you through your deepest wound.
~Catie
Wound's suck....thats just the truth. We all have them, we've all caused them. I wish it were different, but it isn't. Most of our deepest wounds come from those close to us, because they are the only ones who know us well enough to truely hurt us.
As someone whose been hurt the same way over and over throughout the years, it pains me when I realize I've hurt other people. I'm a human, and I'm flawed, and as much as I wish I was perfect and never did anything to hurt anyone...I do, I have and unless I realize it now I will continue to hurt people in the same way.
Someone once told me that you hurt people in a similar way to how you've been hurt. Thinking on this now, it completly makes sense. My wound, my scar that constantly seems to be re-opened is the pain of abandonment. Now my parents never left me, or got a divorce, but the abondonment stems from my school transition from private to homeschooling. I had attended the same private school since kindergarden, with the same group of friends who also went to my church. As the cost of the private school went up, my parents decided that it was time to leave the school and they choose homeschooling over public schooling. In this transiton, and for a number of reasons, I lost all of my friends. Going from having the same friends who support you and encourage you everyday to no friends at all was a shock. I began to feel unloved, alone, and struggled with suicidal depression.
Looking back on it, it seems silly that changing schools would've had that big of an impact on me. Maybe it was my false sense of security in my friends or an idea that the phrase "best friend forever" really meant forever. Regardless, I was still left alone. That was the first blow.
Over the years I learned to harden my heart against it, scar tissue had begun forming. I made friends with a group of girls in 7th and 8th grade, but never felt close to them because I held myself off at a distance, afraid I would get hurt again. We parted ways at the beginning of high school for a variety of reasons, and I began to meet new friends, some of which I had known for years, but just started hanging out with. They've been my rock through highschool. They stood by me when my mom was sick with breast cancer, they stood by me when my world would go crazy, they stood by me no matter what, and because of that I opened my heart.
Without realizing it, I placed myself in the position to be pierced deeper then the initial impact had gone. The second blow came in october of 2009. A long time girldfriend of mine left. I don't understand the reason, and I can't explain the cause, but out of no where, she decided we weren't friends anymore. Its hard to think of the words to use to explain how badly this hurt. It felt like a knife was thrust into my chest and then being twisted. Not only did I physically feel a sore pain in my chest, but I was natious and sick for several days. We had been friends for 5 years, I opened my heart, and she just walked away.
The third blow; this one was different because it came from a guy. Like I said before, I'm not perfect and it still breaks my heart how my actions hurt him. After recently being hurt so deeply again by my friend I began to do the only thing I knew how which was protect and push people away. I began pushing him away and in so doing so, I began to hurt him in the same way I was hurting. So many things happened in that relationship that were wrong, we both hurt eachother in order to protect ourselfs and save ourselfs from the pain of what we knew was our biggest wound. In the end, we abandoned eachother. This was the first time in my life where I had ever pushed anyone so far as for them to walk away from me. And I was surprised. I honestly don't know why I was, I had pushed, and he had finally left. But there I was, alone again.
Because of the drama that surrounded that previous relationship, I also pushed my friends away. They didn't know what was going on, but how could they have if I didn't explain it to them. There were points during those months when I feared my best friend would leave me too because he didn't understand or accept what I was dealing with. But he didn't, others did.
The last blow, or most reacent I should say, came Tuesday afternoon...this is when I truely realized that my friends, all the people who I had surrounded myself over the last few years, had left. Not only had they left, but it was of my own doing. I pushed to protect myself, and what did I do instead? I hurt myself. (Odd how that works)
Now there have been some people who have stuck it out with me, who asked probably scary questions during a hard part of my life, and who never allowed the opinions of others to sway thier view of me. In all honestly, I'm not sure why they have't left me. They've seen the crap thats been in my life these last few months, some of them have even seen whats been going on these last few years. I will never really be able to express how grateful I am for them.
But wounds still hurt, consequences for lifes decisions still suck. Its like a burden that only you alone can carry. I go to God for comfort and wisdom and have begged him to take away the pain, but I know that I have to live with the consequences of the choices I've made. It makes it harder to bear when the consequences pierce you through your deepest wound.
~Catie
Monday, June 14, 2010
Building Up From the Foundation
I'm on a journey, as we all are, but unlike other journeys I've been on, I have no idea what I'm looking for! The good news is that God is with me on this journey and he knows exactly what I need.
During one of my quiet times I came across a passage in I Corinthians that reminded me of something my councilor said.
" By the grace God has give me, I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should be careful how he builds. For no one can lay any foundation other then the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each mans work. If what he has built survives he will receive his reward. If it is burned up he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved but only as one escaping through the flames."
- 1 Corinthians 3:10-15
This is as incredible passage of scripture! It is very similar to the parable Jesus told about building your house on a rock, but this goes further to describe what a christian is supposed to do once his foundation has been placed on that rock, which is Jesus Christ. Starting with Christ as the foundation of your life, what are you suppose to do from there? Build up! He says that you can build up with gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw. Now most of us upon looking at this list would know what to build a house or any structure out of. Most of us wouldn't choose the hay or the straw, instead we would use the gold, silver, stones and wood.
Once we have build up from the foundation, there is a test. What we have built will be tested with fire and if it is left standing then we receive the reward, but if it isn't then we suffer a loss of some kind. Now what does all this mean exactly.
The foundation is Christ, the structure we build up from him is our life in him, the strength and durability of our relationship with him. We either dive deep into a relationship with him, thrive and build thick sturdy walls around us or we take it lightly, gather up the light bundles of straw and use those to protect us from the world around us.
What are your walls made out of? How deep is your relationship with God, how solid are the walls you have build? Sadly, I'd have to say that I've let myself build my walls out of wood. It looks good, pretty durable, pretty easy to carry and set into place. However when the fire comes, wood burns. When the fire comes, I lose the meager shelter I built.
The beauty however in walking and going deep with God is that you build for yourself walls made of gold, silver and stones, walls that don't burn. When the fire comes, when hard times howl against your window, you will not be destroyed because you chose to struggle with God, carry those heavy stones and place one on top of the other. You receive the reward of protection, Gods loving arms his helping hand through difficult times. Because you chose to work hard before, struggle through when you were still building that house and the fire licked at your fingers, because you stayed firm in walk, when hard times comes, its no problem.
What you do now, how you treat your relationship with God now, will determine what type of materials your building your fortress out of. The deeper you go the more you learn to rely on God and therefore the stronger your walls become. But if your treating your relationship with God as just a 5 minute skim through the Bible, your fortress will not be able to withstand the fire of hardship.
I have personally experienced the fires consuming my fortress, and it makes you step back and realize, that it wasn't God who wasn't there for me in times of need, it was my own lack of trust, my own lack of seriousness with my relationship with God.
So what are you building your fortress out of? Are you building it out of materials that will last, or those that will perish.
"If what he has built survives he will receive his reward. If it is burned up he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved but only as one escaping through the flames."
~ Catie
During one of my quiet times I came across a passage in I Corinthians that reminded me of something my councilor said.
" By the grace God has give me, I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should be careful how he builds. For no one can lay any foundation other then the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each mans work. If what he has built survives he will receive his reward. If it is burned up he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved but only as one escaping through the flames."
- 1 Corinthians 3:10-15
This is as incredible passage of scripture! It is very similar to the parable Jesus told about building your house on a rock, but this goes further to describe what a christian is supposed to do once his foundation has been placed on that rock, which is Jesus Christ. Starting with Christ as the foundation of your life, what are you suppose to do from there? Build up! He says that you can build up with gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw. Now most of us upon looking at this list would know what to build a house or any structure out of. Most of us wouldn't choose the hay or the straw, instead we would use the gold, silver, stones and wood.
Once we have build up from the foundation, there is a test. What we have built will be tested with fire and if it is left standing then we receive the reward, but if it isn't then we suffer a loss of some kind. Now what does all this mean exactly.
The foundation is Christ, the structure we build up from him is our life in him, the strength and durability of our relationship with him. We either dive deep into a relationship with him, thrive and build thick sturdy walls around us or we take it lightly, gather up the light bundles of straw and use those to protect us from the world around us.
What are your walls made out of? How deep is your relationship with God, how solid are the walls you have build? Sadly, I'd have to say that I've let myself build my walls out of wood. It looks good, pretty durable, pretty easy to carry and set into place. However when the fire comes, wood burns. When the fire comes, I lose the meager shelter I built.
The beauty however in walking and going deep with God is that you build for yourself walls made of gold, silver and stones, walls that don't burn. When the fire comes, when hard times howl against your window, you will not be destroyed because you chose to struggle with God, carry those heavy stones and place one on top of the other. You receive the reward of protection, Gods loving arms his helping hand through difficult times. Because you chose to work hard before, struggle through when you were still building that house and the fire licked at your fingers, because you stayed firm in walk, when hard times comes, its no problem.
What you do now, how you treat your relationship with God now, will determine what type of materials your building your fortress out of. The deeper you go the more you learn to rely on God and therefore the stronger your walls become. But if your treating your relationship with God as just a 5 minute skim through the Bible, your fortress will not be able to withstand the fire of hardship.
I have personally experienced the fires consuming my fortress, and it makes you step back and realize, that it wasn't God who wasn't there for me in times of need, it was my own lack of trust, my own lack of seriousness with my relationship with God.
So what are you building your fortress out of? Are you building it out of materials that will last, or those that will perish.
"If what he has built survives he will receive his reward. If it is burned up he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved but only as one escaping through the flames."
~ Catie
Friday, June 11, 2010
A Little Note on Gardening
"I am the vine and my father is the gardener. He cuts every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful."
This verse is a very commonly read and preached verse in the christian community. However it is very interesting when you take this verse out of the context of the sermon you are listening to and look at it with a fresh pair of eyes.
The first part, "I am the vine and my father is the gardener," has so much meaning. Jesus is referring to himself when he says that he is the true vine or the right vine. Truth is in him and he is truth. Therefore all that stems from him is truth. Jesus says that his father, or God, is the gardener. Here we see the relationship between God and Jesus, two of the aspects of the trinity working harmoniously together.
Jesus goes on to say that the gardener, "cuts every branch in me that bears no fruit." Jesus was perfect, so why did he God to cut away what bore no fruit? Jesus was still human but perfectly submitted to the father at the same time and because of this all the bad branches were cut away. Jesus then says that the gardener goes on to prune the good branches.
When I first read over this part, I skipped over it without really thinking about it. The Holy Spirit nudged me to go back and reread it, and when I did I was amazed.
What is prunning? I'm not a gardener myself, but my basic understanding is that pruning is cutting away at a branch in such a way that allows the branch to continue growing. A good portion of the branch may be lost, but in time it will grow and become stronger and bear more fruit.
God cuts and prunes us and its painful at times. He removes the sinful parts when we let him and prunes those good things in us when we aren't looking. In my own life he has been cutting. Often times I feel like he isn't cutting enough. I am a natural leader which I have turned into being bossy. For a long time I felt like God needed to cut that bossy side from me that stems from my leadership, but really he just needs to prune me. Yes destroy the bossy side, but not cut away the leader he made me to be.
I could go on with examples from my life, but I think its interesting when you look at your own life and ask yourself what needs to be cut away and what needs to be pruned? Often times the devil distorts the gifts God has given us. We think that out gifts need to be cut away, but God never wants to destroy the good things he's given us, he just wants to snip away at the areas in which the devil has corrupted them.
"He cuts every branch in me that bears no fruit, while the ones that do bear fruit he prunes so that they will be even more fruitful."
~Catie
This verse is a very commonly read and preached verse in the christian community. However it is very interesting when you take this verse out of the context of the sermon you are listening to and look at it with a fresh pair of eyes.
The first part, "I am the vine and my father is the gardener," has so much meaning. Jesus is referring to himself when he says that he is the true vine or the right vine. Truth is in him and he is truth. Therefore all that stems from him is truth. Jesus says that his father, or God, is the gardener. Here we see the relationship between God and Jesus, two of the aspects of the trinity working harmoniously together.
Jesus goes on to say that the gardener, "cuts every branch in me that bears no fruit." Jesus was perfect, so why did he God to cut away what bore no fruit? Jesus was still human but perfectly submitted to the father at the same time and because of this all the bad branches were cut away. Jesus then says that the gardener goes on to prune the good branches.
When I first read over this part, I skipped over it without really thinking about it. The Holy Spirit nudged me to go back and reread it, and when I did I was amazed.
What is prunning? I'm not a gardener myself, but my basic understanding is that pruning is cutting away at a branch in such a way that allows the branch to continue growing. A good portion of the branch may be lost, but in time it will grow and become stronger and bear more fruit.
God cuts and prunes us and its painful at times. He removes the sinful parts when we let him and prunes those good things in us when we aren't looking. In my own life he has been cutting. Often times I feel like he isn't cutting enough. I am a natural leader which I have turned into being bossy. For a long time I felt like God needed to cut that bossy side from me that stems from my leadership, but really he just needs to prune me. Yes destroy the bossy side, but not cut away the leader he made me to be.
I could go on with examples from my life, but I think its interesting when you look at your own life and ask yourself what needs to be cut away and what needs to be pruned? Often times the devil distorts the gifts God has given us. We think that out gifts need to be cut away, but God never wants to destroy the good things he's given us, he just wants to snip away at the areas in which the devil has corrupted them.
"He cuts every branch in me that bears no fruit, while the ones that do bear fruit he prunes so that they will be even more fruitful."
~Catie
Monday, June 7, 2010
Confessions of a 5yr old
Five year olds are inncoent, fun, full of life, silly and sometimes a handful. It's a time of life where you are just getting a grasp on the world around you, learning about other people and yourself.
Ive blocked alot of my childhood because when I was 5 I was sexually abused by an older girl friend of mine. Having something so horrible happen up you defines a persons life and at the moment I didn't know how much of an impact it would have on me.
It really wasn't until our church did a series called celebrate recovery that I finally was able to understand what had happened to me. For years I had thought that the abuse had been my fault because I knew it was wrong but still did it anyway. I began seeing a councilor and began realizing that it wasn't my fault and that I shouldn't feel guilty for what happened. It was here that I really began working though te baggage my life has aquired; abuse, abandoment, and trust.
I have been abused and abandoned by girls my whole life which has made it very difficult to open myself up to them because I don't trust them not to hurt me. My prayer for the last 6 years has been for a good friend. I have had alot of pain over the years with this prayer not getting answered which has made it very hard for me to trust God. Each time I feel like God places a friend in my life I open myself up and as soon as I do I get hurt again. That wound is by far the biggest and most painful. Because of that I close myself off from people so that I don't get hurt again. The pain is literally crippling.
As part of this whole process of dealing with all these issues I began to realize the masks that I've begun wearing to hid myself (at least my true self) from those around me. I felt ashamed by my sin and so I'd try and cover it up instead if giving it over to God. As I was going though this realization I began talking with friends and opening up about the real issues that I was dealing with in my life. As I began to open up, they began to open up. One friend in particular who I've known for years got really vulnerable and shared thier deep struggles with me. It was at that moment that my heart broke. Not because they struggled with sin, but because for years they had never felt they could get vulnerable with me or anyone else! Why is that? I know that many times we are ashamed of our sin and so that keeps us from talking about it, but when you talk about your struggles you realize that others battle it too and you can find great joy and comfort in walking your struggles out with a brother or sister in Christ. I would have never been able to come this far with my struggles had it not been for some of my friends who came along side me.
It really does grieve me to know that everyone is hurt and they don't feel like they can talk about thier struggles. Shame is a trap that is almost impossible to break free from. I've lived imprisoned by shame for 13 years and it's very hard to break out and I've learned that without Gods help you will ever be completly free from it.
Its a wierd conclusion or realization to come to, but it's okay to admit your sins! It's okay to not be perfect! We aren't supposed to be! The truth is not everyone will accept you for your sins or your struggles and that is as times crippling but continue to look for those around you who you can be open and honest with. Don't let yourself become enslaved by shame and don't allow youself to hid from those close to you or shut them off. There is always someone willing to listen and willing to come alomd side you. It's okay to be vulnerable!
"my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
- 2corinthians 12:9
Ive blocked alot of my childhood because when I was 5 I was sexually abused by an older girl friend of mine. Having something so horrible happen up you defines a persons life and at the moment I didn't know how much of an impact it would have on me.
It really wasn't until our church did a series called celebrate recovery that I finally was able to understand what had happened to me. For years I had thought that the abuse had been my fault because I knew it was wrong but still did it anyway. I began seeing a councilor and began realizing that it wasn't my fault and that I shouldn't feel guilty for what happened. It was here that I really began working though te baggage my life has aquired; abuse, abandoment, and trust.
I have been abused and abandoned by girls my whole life which has made it very difficult to open myself up to them because I don't trust them not to hurt me. My prayer for the last 6 years has been for a good friend. I have had alot of pain over the years with this prayer not getting answered which has made it very hard for me to trust God. Each time I feel like God places a friend in my life I open myself up and as soon as I do I get hurt again. That wound is by far the biggest and most painful. Because of that I close myself off from people so that I don't get hurt again. The pain is literally crippling.
As part of this whole process of dealing with all these issues I began to realize the masks that I've begun wearing to hid myself (at least my true self) from those around me. I felt ashamed by my sin and so I'd try and cover it up instead if giving it over to God. As I was going though this realization I began talking with friends and opening up about the real issues that I was dealing with in my life. As I began to open up, they began to open up. One friend in particular who I've known for years got really vulnerable and shared thier deep struggles with me. It was at that moment that my heart broke. Not because they struggled with sin, but because for years they had never felt they could get vulnerable with me or anyone else! Why is that? I know that many times we are ashamed of our sin and so that keeps us from talking about it, but when you talk about your struggles you realize that others battle it too and you can find great joy and comfort in walking your struggles out with a brother or sister in Christ. I would have never been able to come this far with my struggles had it not been for some of my friends who came along side me.
It really does grieve me to know that everyone is hurt and they don't feel like they can talk about thier struggles. Shame is a trap that is almost impossible to break free from. I've lived imprisoned by shame for 13 years and it's very hard to break out and I've learned that without Gods help you will ever be completly free from it.
Its a wierd conclusion or realization to come to, but it's okay to admit your sins! It's okay to not be perfect! We aren't supposed to be! The truth is not everyone will accept you for your sins or your struggles and that is as times crippling but continue to look for those around you who you can be open and honest with. Don't let yourself become enslaved by shame and don't allow youself to hid from those close to you or shut them off. There is always someone willing to listen and willing to come alomd side you. It's okay to be vulnerable!
"my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
- 2corinthians 12:9
Monday, February 22, 2010
All I am is yours
God had given me a big purpose for my life! He has called me to go out into the world after college and serve him in several areas throughout the world. For the moment however, he has called me to serve here. 2 Timothy 4:2 was a huge conviction for me.
"Preach the gospel, be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage with great patience and careful instruction."
I love how this verse specifically says to preach the gospel in and out of season. As Christians I have found that most of us serve in season, during mission trips or other church related activities. I admit that I myself have become accustom to this type of lifestyle. But this verse was so clear in saying that no, God wants you to serve him on the field and off the field. There really is not "off the field" time if you want to think about it, you should always be serving God.
When God calls you to do something, he also provides opportunities, and God has provided in huge ways over the last month. Our church got involved with a ministry called Mission of Hope Haiti. These people have been serving Haiti for the past 12 years and will continue to stay and help the people of Haiti come back from the tragic earthquake that struck. I was given the opportunity very early on to volunteer and take donations through phone calls and take inventory of medical supplies that had been donated. But then God opened the door for something even more amazing. Several highschool students pulled together and came up with an idea to design and sell t-shirts and donate all proceeds to Mission of Hope. Through no real choice of my own, I found myself stepping up, and in charge of the whole group! Looking back I'm really not sure this happened but I know that God had a plan so I'm not really questioning it! We started off very basic, planning to raise nearly 8,000 dollars for Haiti. But that wasn't enough by Gods standards, and two weeks later the amount was raised to $19,000 and then to $24,000. I thought that this was a pretty good amount, I was amazed and praising God the whole time, but this is still not the amount God wanted me to see, so I recalculated added shirts and venues and found that we could potentially raise $37,112.
Stepping back and looking at that number, its amazing what God can do! I have learned so many things through this experience and I'm sure I'm not done learning. The biggest thing that I have learned is that prayer without faith is not faith at all. I had been praying that God would provide funds to buy the shirts, but when that didn't seem to happen, I gave up and began working with the money I already had. I in a sense had given up faith in Gods ability to do things. But just because I had given up faith didn't mean God was inactive! He reached into my life in a very clear way and provided more money then I had been praying to receive!
If you have never read the parable of the persistent woman I would strongly encourage you to. (Luke 18:1-8) The last verse is so powerful that is challenges my prayer life every day.
"However when the son of man comes, will he find faith on the earth?"
We can be persistent in prayer but if we have no faith, then really why are we praying? Jesus said so many times, "your faith has made you well." Even though I knew God had the ability to provide the money I lost faith that he actually would. When he actually did, I felt a huge slap in the face, "oh you of little faith." God is God! He can and will do anything. His ways are above my ways and his thoughts are higher then my thoughts.
Whenever I think about how great God is compared to me, how much bigger his plans are compared to mine, and how much better his will is for my life, I'm overwhelmed with silence. I want to praise God, shout out his name and tell everyone, but when I'm alone with him I am simply speechless by his wonders.
I love music and so several songs have come to mind that express different aspects of what I've been learning through this whole process of serving at home. But the best one I can leave you with is the chorus of an amazing song called the stand.
So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
in awe of the one who gave it all
I'll stand my soul Lord to you surrendered
all I am is yours
What can I say
and what can I do
but offer this heart oh God
completely to you
~Catie
Thursday, January 21, 2010
On the Road To Recovery
At some point in our walk with God we face a time of trial. I have faced three thus far. Each time God has taught me something new about himself and shaped me a little more into the woman he created me to be. My most recent struggle with God granted him an opportunity to open my eyes to the life he has planned for me.
After fighting to come to him, I sat down and opened up a bible and asked him what he wanted to tell me. Luke 9:23 popped into my head which says,
"Then he said to them, 'If anyone would come after me he must deny himself, take up his cross and follow me."
At first I didn't really know what this verse meant to me. I've heard this verse in church so many times that I had never really though about it, but as I sat there I began to understand. God was telling me,
"stop messing around, its time to get serious! Its time to deny yourself and follow ME!"
Again I didn't really know what it meant to deny myself, take up my cross and follow him, and so sadly I put it aside. For a couple weeks I hoped God would seek after me, but something in my gut told me that he was waiting for me. At the High School retreat this past weekend I went to him and told him I was ready. I told him I was open for him to change me, mold me, shape me however he wanted me to.
I began my quiet times asking God "How can I deny myself and give you control?" Each time I came to him he gave me one word. Day One: Relationships. I was struggling to mend a relationship with someone and when I gave God control he completely took care of it in a way that God only can. I think its funny sometimes that we think we know the best was to fix something, but when we let God take care of it not only does he approach it a different way but he completely fixes and restores it.
Day Two: Priorities. The two verses which stuck out to me from this day are Philippians 3:10 and Mark 8:35 which say "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings and becoming like him in his death." (Philippians 3:10) and "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for the gospel will save it." I felt God telling me that I needed to be selflessly serving and constantly thirsting after him.
Day Three: Patience - waiting for the Lord. Patience is something I think everyone especially me struggle with. But I have found that when you give God over control then it is so much easier to wait on his timing. When you are truly patient on God, you experience a divine peace which is unlike anything I have ever experienced.
Day Four: Thoughts. I struggle with day dreaming sometimes and a couple days ago I felt God call me out on that. He said not only do I want control in your relationships, your priorities but also in your thoughts as well. To me this is a very intimate way that God takes control of my life, because I have always considered my thoughts my own. God took me to an amazing passage of scripture in Isaiah 55:8 which said,
"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither my ways your ways' declares the Lord.' As the heaven are higher then the earth so my ways are higher then your ways and my thoughts higher then your thoughts'"
Going back to what I said earlier about God answering prayer is a completely unexpected way, when I read this verse it reminded me of that. He told me that my thoughts are nothing compared to his. What we think is a good plan is nothing compared to what he has in store. This made me step back in complete awe of God. To think that I can't even fathom what he has planned for my life is mind blowing!
Day Five: Actions. God said, I have taken control of your thoughts, and now I want to take control of your actions. In a way he has already been taking control of my actions. Thoughts are an action, patience is inaction sometimes, priorities: what I choose to do over other things. All of the things God had been teaching me to give him control over made it so much easier to finally give him complete control over my life when he called for it.
I am still waiting on God. He has stopped me in my walk with him in order to teach me something amazing that I will need as I step out into the world. I am learning to listen closely for his words which has been so amazing. God answers me in crazy ways and there is never a dull moment when he is in control. My relationship is far from perfect with him, but I've come to realize that as long as I'm seeking after him, he'll take care of the rest. He has it all under control and he likes to show me that in crazy ways. I'm on the road to recovering my relationship with Christ and its only though his divine grace that I am forgiven and given another opportunity to seek him.
"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation come from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress and I will not be shaken." - Psalms 62:1-2
~Catie
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