Five year olds are inncoent, fun, full of life, silly and sometimes a handful. It's a time of life where you are just getting a grasp on the world around you, learning about other people and yourself.
Ive blocked alot of my childhood because when I was 5 I was sexually abused by an older girl friend of mine. Having something so horrible happen up you defines a persons life and at the moment I didn't know how much of an impact it would have on me.
It really wasn't until our church did a series called celebrate recovery that I finally was able to understand what had happened to me. For years I had thought that the abuse had been my fault because I knew it was wrong but still did it anyway. I began seeing a councilor and began realizing that it wasn't my fault and that I shouldn't feel guilty for what happened. It was here that I really began working though te baggage my life has aquired; abuse, abandoment, and trust.
I have been abused and abandoned by girls my whole life which has made it very difficult to open myself up to them because I don't trust them not to hurt me. My prayer for the last 6 years has been for a good friend. I have had alot of pain over the years with this prayer not getting answered which has made it very hard for me to trust God. Each time I feel like God places a friend in my life I open myself up and as soon as I do I get hurt again. That wound is by far the biggest and most painful. Because of that I close myself off from people so that I don't get hurt again. The pain is literally crippling.
As part of this whole process of dealing with all these issues I began to realize the masks that I've begun wearing to hid myself (at least my true self) from those around me. I felt ashamed by my sin and so I'd try and cover it up instead if giving it over to God. As I was going though this realization I began talking with friends and opening up about the real issues that I was dealing with in my life. As I began to open up, they began to open up. One friend in particular who I've known for years got really vulnerable and shared thier deep struggles with me. It was at that moment that my heart broke. Not because they struggled with sin, but because for years they had never felt they could get vulnerable with me or anyone else! Why is that? I know that many times we are ashamed of our sin and so that keeps us from talking about it, but when you talk about your struggles you realize that others battle it too and you can find great joy and comfort in walking your struggles out with a brother or sister in Christ. I would have never been able to come this far with my struggles had it not been for some of my friends who came along side me.
It really does grieve me to know that everyone is hurt and they don't feel like they can talk about thier struggles. Shame is a trap that is almost impossible to break free from. I've lived imprisoned by shame for 13 years and it's very hard to break out and I've learned that without Gods help you will ever be completly free from it.
Its a wierd conclusion or realization to come to, but it's okay to admit your sins! It's okay to not be perfect! We aren't supposed to be! The truth is not everyone will accept you for your sins or your struggles and that is as times crippling but continue to look for those around you who you can be open and honest with. Don't let yourself become enslaved by shame and don't allow youself to hid from those close to you or shut them off. There is always someone willing to listen and willing to come alomd side you. It's okay to be vulnerable!
"my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
- 2corinthians 12:9
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