I want to start of this blog entry with recouting a conversation I had with a friend of mine the other day. He told me that he was asked a question, "What person or people would you want to emulate your life after." He told me that I was one of those people.
I tell this story not to credit myself but to use it in order to begin to explain what God has been doing in my life over the past year. I won't be able to explain everything in one blog entry, but I can scratch the surface.
This time last year, I had a major identity crisis. Although I didn't realize it at the time, I was placing my value, my worth, my comfort, trust, hopes, and dreams into people. And, when they let me down, I was crushed. But I didn't know I was doing this, and so blindly I went on. I placed it in a frienship which betrayed me, and I placed it in a relationship which destroyed me. God was slowly and painfully taking away the things that were a distraction.
I had a moment of clarity in January; God revealed to me my identity in him an his plan for my life. However, I didn't undersand how to truely place my identity in him and so as soon as I got my "spiritual fix" I went right back into relationships and placed my identity once again in what they could offer me.
After that relationship ended, I knew I needed God, but I didn't want him. I didn't want the comfort I hd heard he could offer, and so I sought for comfort, for love and acceptance from relationship after relationship, until finally God had enough. He pulled me out of those relationships and set me back in his presence and no matter how much I tried to run he held me tight. See, God had something to teach me.
After coming home from my mission trip in Asia, God asked me to be single for the fall semester. After a couple of days I agreed. I knew God wanted to show me something, however I had no idea what it was. Over the last several months, I have struggled with giving up relationships. Slowly, and ever so lovingly God has peeled back my fingers and allowed me to release my grip on my mistaken identity.
I listened to a sermon in which the pastor made a clear point which has stuck with me. He said, "Why do we place our identity in the things God owns, instead of in God himself?" I was placing my identity in people, who God made and who are also flawed and prone to disapointment. God is not flawed, he never disapoints, he always forgives, always loves and always comforts us. I was challenged with this thought: If I truely believe those things about God, then how come I seek for those things in man instead of in him.
It says in John 5:44 "How can you believe (in God) if you accept praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only God?" or as it is put in the Message, "How do you expect to get anywhere with God when you spend all your time jockeying for position with eachother, ranking your rivals and ignoring God?"
I am in no means perfect. My life over the last year has been a complete disaster to say the least! But God s gracious. He has showed me mercy over and over again. He has had compassion on me through the consequences I've had to face because of the bad decisions, and he has forgiven not condemed me. He is the only one who could ever truely love me. He knows the crap in my life better then I do and he accepts me for that. He accept me, yet I sought acceptance from other people. He loved me, yet I gave my love to other people, and he forgave me even when I couldn't forgive myself.
This past year has been horrible, and I would never willingly repeat it. But I know that God has a purpose and that he has grown me in huge ways. I still stuggle, I still fall. I know I can never be perfect but I also know that God doesn't expect perfection, he just askes me to humble myself to him and be obedient to his calling.
People have told me recently how much they admire my passion and my love for God, and I honestly have to say that the passion people see is a direct result of Gos grace, love and mercy in my life; it is nothing of myself. Each day is a struggle but with each day brings new mercies from God. I am continually forgiven and continually reminded of how much he loves me.
So as for my my identity...I belong to Christ. In him I am made complete, and yes it is a daily challange not to resort back to people and relationships for comfort, God gives me his strenght and allows me to rely on him for perserverance.
"May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise." -Psalms 119:76
~Catie
Friday, October 15, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Addicted
So I decided to try something new with my blog and open it up for questions. This was one of the questions that I was asked.
"What do you say to someone who is addicted to drugs and alcohol? Someone who isn't even 21 yet... How do you help them get out of that hole of addiction? And someone whose parent figures are ok with it..."
Well, first of all my question would be do you want to get out of the hole? I personally have struggled with sexual addiction for the past 13 years and it has been very hard to overcome. In fact I have only now started changing.
About four months ago I completly gave into my addicton and persued relationship after relationship that would satisfy my needs and my desires. It became a daily/ hourly struggle against my addiction. After a month of abusing my body and letting other people abuse my body I reached a breaking point. I felt violated by myself and the people I chose to share myself with. I knew I had to change, but I didn't know how.
The beauty of growing up in a christian home is that I have a strong support system around me. I confessed my addiction to my parents and my closest friend. Through thier help I was able to seek help through councilling. At first I quit cold turkey, which was unbearably hard. I had sought comfort, escape and happiness from my addiction. I made it 24 days and then fell back into it. It was so hard, and although I knew what I was doing was wrong, I justified it by saying that "Well everyone else does it too, they just don't talk about it." I'm not really sure what caused me to quit for good, but I think it was that I was just so disgusted with myself that I knew I had to change. I didn't want to be a slave to my addiction anymore.
Its been several months, and I haven't let my addiction control me. It is very hard at times. For example, this week, its been hard. I've realized that when I watch movies that are very sexually graphic that it adds to the struggle.
I use my example because I think that all addictions, wheather they are to drugs, alcohol, sex, porn etc., that they are all means of escape, they are all enslaving and they are all very hard to overcome.
My advice would be to find people around you who will support you to make a change, if you want to change. Something that was hard for me was the uncertainty of whether I wanted to change. I sought so much security from my addiction, that when I decided to give it up, I felt lost. Do you want to live the way your living now? If not, then its time to change.
If there is no one close to you who can help you change, then I would encourage you going to seek help from a church or a councillor. I was really embarrased to admit my addiction, but now as I look back I realize that everyone struggles with something. You can find strenght through your struggles, and down the road you can use your struggles to encourage someone else who finds themselves in the same spot.
Addiction is slavery, but you can break through the bondage. It starts with a choice.
"in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us" - Romans 8:37
"What do you say to someone who is addicted to drugs and alcohol? Someone who isn't even 21 yet... How do you help them get out of that hole of addiction? And someone whose parent figures are ok with it..."
Well, first of all my question would be do you want to get out of the hole? I personally have struggled with sexual addiction for the past 13 years and it has been very hard to overcome. In fact I have only now started changing.
About four months ago I completly gave into my addicton and persued relationship after relationship that would satisfy my needs and my desires. It became a daily/ hourly struggle against my addiction. After a month of abusing my body and letting other people abuse my body I reached a breaking point. I felt violated by myself and the people I chose to share myself with. I knew I had to change, but I didn't know how.
The beauty of growing up in a christian home is that I have a strong support system around me. I confessed my addiction to my parents and my closest friend. Through thier help I was able to seek help through councilling. At first I quit cold turkey, which was unbearably hard. I had sought comfort, escape and happiness from my addiction. I made it 24 days and then fell back into it. It was so hard, and although I knew what I was doing was wrong, I justified it by saying that "Well everyone else does it too, they just don't talk about it." I'm not really sure what caused me to quit for good, but I think it was that I was just so disgusted with myself that I knew I had to change. I didn't want to be a slave to my addiction anymore.
Its been several months, and I haven't let my addiction control me. It is very hard at times. For example, this week, its been hard. I've realized that when I watch movies that are very sexually graphic that it adds to the struggle.
I use my example because I think that all addictions, wheather they are to drugs, alcohol, sex, porn etc., that they are all means of escape, they are all enslaving and they are all very hard to overcome.
My advice would be to find people around you who will support you to make a change, if you want to change. Something that was hard for me was the uncertainty of whether I wanted to change. I sought so much security from my addiction, that when I decided to give it up, I felt lost. Do you want to live the way your living now? If not, then its time to change.
If there is no one close to you who can help you change, then I would encourage you going to seek help from a church or a councillor. I was really embarrased to admit my addiction, but now as I look back I realize that everyone struggles with something. You can find strenght through your struggles, and down the road you can use your struggles to encourage someone else who finds themselves in the same spot.
Addiction is slavery, but you can break through the bondage. It starts with a choice.
"in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us" - Romans 8:37
Thursday, August 19, 2010
You Ask I'll Answer
I want to try something a little new with my blog. This blog is entitled from my heart to yours. The reason I named it that was inorder to share my struggles and my triumphs in my walk with Christ. So much has gone on in these last couple of months and alot of people have asked me questions about my struggles. So I want to open up my blog for questions. Part of living a transparent life is to be able to share things with people without them asking but also being willing to let them ask you the hard questions. I'm pretty wierd and I love being asked hard questions because it challenges me to find the hard truth.
Don't worry about asking anything to personal. I'm opening my heart and will answer any question you have. Just comment on this blog entry or send me a facebook message to ask :)
Don't worry about asking anything to personal. I'm opening my heart and will answer any question you have. Just comment on this blog entry or send me a facebook message to ask :)
The Pain of Wounds Re-Opened
A wound is mysterious thing, because the pain is the most severe upon initial impact, yet the throb and scar remind you day after day of what either you did to yourself or what others have done to you.
Wound's suck....thats just the truth. We all have them, we've all caused them. I wish it were different, but it isn't. Most of our deepest wounds come from those close to us, because they are the only ones who know us well enough to truely hurt us.
As someone whose been hurt the same way over and over throughout the years, it pains me when I realize I've hurt other people. I'm a human, and I'm flawed, and as much as I wish I was perfect and never did anything to hurt anyone...I do, I have and unless I realize it now I will continue to hurt people in the same way.
Someone once told me that you hurt people in a similar way to how you've been hurt. Thinking on this now, it completly makes sense. My wound, my scar that constantly seems to be re-opened is the pain of abandonment. Now my parents never left me, or got a divorce, but the abondonment stems from my school transition from private to homeschooling. I had attended the same private school since kindergarden, with the same group of friends who also went to my church. As the cost of the private school went up, my parents decided that it was time to leave the school and they choose homeschooling over public schooling. In this transiton, and for a number of reasons, I lost all of my friends. Going from having the same friends who support you and encourage you everyday to no friends at all was a shock. I began to feel unloved, alone, and struggled with suicidal depression.
Looking back on it, it seems silly that changing schools would've had that big of an impact on me. Maybe it was my false sense of security in my friends or an idea that the phrase "best friend forever" really meant forever. Regardless, I was still left alone. That was the first blow.
Over the years I learned to harden my heart against it, scar tissue had begun forming. I made friends with a group of girls in 7th and 8th grade, but never felt close to them because I held myself off at a distance, afraid I would get hurt again. We parted ways at the beginning of high school for a variety of reasons, and I began to meet new friends, some of which I had known for years, but just started hanging out with. They've been my rock through highschool. They stood by me when my mom was sick with breast cancer, they stood by me when my world would go crazy, they stood by me no matter what, and because of that I opened my heart.
Without realizing it, I placed myself in the position to be pierced deeper then the initial impact had gone. The second blow came in october of 2009. A long time girldfriend of mine left. I don't understand the reason, and I can't explain the cause, but out of no where, she decided we weren't friends anymore. Its hard to think of the words to use to explain how badly this hurt. It felt like a knife was thrust into my chest and then being twisted. Not only did I physically feel a sore pain in my chest, but I was natious and sick for several days. We had been friends for 5 years, I opened my heart, and she just walked away.
The third blow; this one was different because it came from a guy. Like I said before, I'm not perfect and it still breaks my heart how my actions hurt him. After recently being hurt so deeply again by my friend I began to do the only thing I knew how which was protect and push people away. I began pushing him away and in so doing so, I began to hurt him in the same way I was hurting. So many things happened in that relationship that were wrong, we both hurt eachother in order to protect ourselfs and save ourselfs from the pain of what we knew was our biggest wound. In the end, we abandoned eachother. This was the first time in my life where I had ever pushed anyone so far as for them to walk away from me. And I was surprised. I honestly don't know why I was, I had pushed, and he had finally left. But there I was, alone again.
Because of the drama that surrounded that previous relationship, I also pushed my friends away. They didn't know what was going on, but how could they have if I didn't explain it to them. There were points during those months when I feared my best friend would leave me too because he didn't understand or accept what I was dealing with. But he didn't, others did.
The last blow, or most reacent I should say, came Tuesday afternoon...this is when I truely realized that my friends, all the people who I had surrounded myself over the last few years, had left. Not only had they left, but it was of my own doing. I pushed to protect myself, and what did I do instead? I hurt myself. (Odd how that works)
Now there have been some people who have stuck it out with me, who asked probably scary questions during a hard part of my life, and who never allowed the opinions of others to sway thier view of me. In all honestly, I'm not sure why they have't left me. They've seen the crap thats been in my life these last few months, some of them have even seen whats been going on these last few years. I will never really be able to express how grateful I am for them.
But wounds still hurt, consequences for lifes decisions still suck. Its like a burden that only you alone can carry. I go to God for comfort and wisdom and have begged him to take away the pain, but I know that I have to live with the consequences of the choices I've made. It makes it harder to bear when the consequences pierce you through your deepest wound.
~Catie
Wound's suck....thats just the truth. We all have them, we've all caused them. I wish it were different, but it isn't. Most of our deepest wounds come from those close to us, because they are the only ones who know us well enough to truely hurt us.
As someone whose been hurt the same way over and over throughout the years, it pains me when I realize I've hurt other people. I'm a human, and I'm flawed, and as much as I wish I was perfect and never did anything to hurt anyone...I do, I have and unless I realize it now I will continue to hurt people in the same way.
Someone once told me that you hurt people in a similar way to how you've been hurt. Thinking on this now, it completly makes sense. My wound, my scar that constantly seems to be re-opened is the pain of abandonment. Now my parents never left me, or got a divorce, but the abondonment stems from my school transition from private to homeschooling. I had attended the same private school since kindergarden, with the same group of friends who also went to my church. As the cost of the private school went up, my parents decided that it was time to leave the school and they choose homeschooling over public schooling. In this transiton, and for a number of reasons, I lost all of my friends. Going from having the same friends who support you and encourage you everyday to no friends at all was a shock. I began to feel unloved, alone, and struggled with suicidal depression.
Looking back on it, it seems silly that changing schools would've had that big of an impact on me. Maybe it was my false sense of security in my friends or an idea that the phrase "best friend forever" really meant forever. Regardless, I was still left alone. That was the first blow.
Over the years I learned to harden my heart against it, scar tissue had begun forming. I made friends with a group of girls in 7th and 8th grade, but never felt close to them because I held myself off at a distance, afraid I would get hurt again. We parted ways at the beginning of high school for a variety of reasons, and I began to meet new friends, some of which I had known for years, but just started hanging out with. They've been my rock through highschool. They stood by me when my mom was sick with breast cancer, they stood by me when my world would go crazy, they stood by me no matter what, and because of that I opened my heart.
Without realizing it, I placed myself in the position to be pierced deeper then the initial impact had gone. The second blow came in october of 2009. A long time girldfriend of mine left. I don't understand the reason, and I can't explain the cause, but out of no where, she decided we weren't friends anymore. Its hard to think of the words to use to explain how badly this hurt. It felt like a knife was thrust into my chest and then being twisted. Not only did I physically feel a sore pain in my chest, but I was natious and sick for several days. We had been friends for 5 years, I opened my heart, and she just walked away.
The third blow; this one was different because it came from a guy. Like I said before, I'm not perfect and it still breaks my heart how my actions hurt him. After recently being hurt so deeply again by my friend I began to do the only thing I knew how which was protect and push people away. I began pushing him away and in so doing so, I began to hurt him in the same way I was hurting. So many things happened in that relationship that were wrong, we both hurt eachother in order to protect ourselfs and save ourselfs from the pain of what we knew was our biggest wound. In the end, we abandoned eachother. This was the first time in my life where I had ever pushed anyone so far as for them to walk away from me. And I was surprised. I honestly don't know why I was, I had pushed, and he had finally left. But there I was, alone again.
Because of the drama that surrounded that previous relationship, I also pushed my friends away. They didn't know what was going on, but how could they have if I didn't explain it to them. There were points during those months when I feared my best friend would leave me too because he didn't understand or accept what I was dealing with. But he didn't, others did.
The last blow, or most reacent I should say, came Tuesday afternoon...this is when I truely realized that my friends, all the people who I had surrounded myself over the last few years, had left. Not only had they left, but it was of my own doing. I pushed to protect myself, and what did I do instead? I hurt myself. (Odd how that works)
Now there have been some people who have stuck it out with me, who asked probably scary questions during a hard part of my life, and who never allowed the opinions of others to sway thier view of me. In all honestly, I'm not sure why they have't left me. They've seen the crap thats been in my life these last few months, some of them have even seen whats been going on these last few years. I will never really be able to express how grateful I am for them.
But wounds still hurt, consequences for lifes decisions still suck. Its like a burden that only you alone can carry. I go to God for comfort and wisdom and have begged him to take away the pain, but I know that I have to live with the consequences of the choices I've made. It makes it harder to bear when the consequences pierce you through your deepest wound.
~Catie
Monday, June 14, 2010
Building Up From the Foundation
I'm on a journey, as we all are, but unlike other journeys I've been on, I have no idea what I'm looking for! The good news is that God is with me on this journey and he knows exactly what I need.
During one of my quiet times I came across a passage in I Corinthians that reminded me of something my councilor said.
" By the grace God has give me, I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should be careful how he builds. For no one can lay any foundation other then the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each mans work. If what he has built survives he will receive his reward. If it is burned up he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved but only as one escaping through the flames."
- 1 Corinthians 3:10-15
This is as incredible passage of scripture! It is very similar to the parable Jesus told about building your house on a rock, but this goes further to describe what a christian is supposed to do once his foundation has been placed on that rock, which is Jesus Christ. Starting with Christ as the foundation of your life, what are you suppose to do from there? Build up! He says that you can build up with gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw. Now most of us upon looking at this list would know what to build a house or any structure out of. Most of us wouldn't choose the hay or the straw, instead we would use the gold, silver, stones and wood.
Once we have build up from the foundation, there is a test. What we have built will be tested with fire and if it is left standing then we receive the reward, but if it isn't then we suffer a loss of some kind. Now what does all this mean exactly.
The foundation is Christ, the structure we build up from him is our life in him, the strength and durability of our relationship with him. We either dive deep into a relationship with him, thrive and build thick sturdy walls around us or we take it lightly, gather up the light bundles of straw and use those to protect us from the world around us.
What are your walls made out of? How deep is your relationship with God, how solid are the walls you have build? Sadly, I'd have to say that I've let myself build my walls out of wood. It looks good, pretty durable, pretty easy to carry and set into place. However when the fire comes, wood burns. When the fire comes, I lose the meager shelter I built.
The beauty however in walking and going deep with God is that you build for yourself walls made of gold, silver and stones, walls that don't burn. When the fire comes, when hard times howl against your window, you will not be destroyed because you chose to struggle with God, carry those heavy stones and place one on top of the other. You receive the reward of protection, Gods loving arms his helping hand through difficult times. Because you chose to work hard before, struggle through when you were still building that house and the fire licked at your fingers, because you stayed firm in walk, when hard times comes, its no problem.
What you do now, how you treat your relationship with God now, will determine what type of materials your building your fortress out of. The deeper you go the more you learn to rely on God and therefore the stronger your walls become. But if your treating your relationship with God as just a 5 minute skim through the Bible, your fortress will not be able to withstand the fire of hardship.
I have personally experienced the fires consuming my fortress, and it makes you step back and realize, that it wasn't God who wasn't there for me in times of need, it was my own lack of trust, my own lack of seriousness with my relationship with God.
So what are you building your fortress out of? Are you building it out of materials that will last, or those that will perish.
"If what he has built survives he will receive his reward. If it is burned up he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved but only as one escaping through the flames."
~ Catie
During one of my quiet times I came across a passage in I Corinthians that reminded me of something my councilor said.
" By the grace God has give me, I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should be careful how he builds. For no one can lay any foundation other then the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each mans work. If what he has built survives he will receive his reward. If it is burned up he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved but only as one escaping through the flames."
- 1 Corinthians 3:10-15
This is as incredible passage of scripture! It is very similar to the parable Jesus told about building your house on a rock, but this goes further to describe what a christian is supposed to do once his foundation has been placed on that rock, which is Jesus Christ. Starting with Christ as the foundation of your life, what are you suppose to do from there? Build up! He says that you can build up with gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw. Now most of us upon looking at this list would know what to build a house or any structure out of. Most of us wouldn't choose the hay or the straw, instead we would use the gold, silver, stones and wood.
Once we have build up from the foundation, there is a test. What we have built will be tested with fire and if it is left standing then we receive the reward, but if it isn't then we suffer a loss of some kind. Now what does all this mean exactly.
The foundation is Christ, the structure we build up from him is our life in him, the strength and durability of our relationship with him. We either dive deep into a relationship with him, thrive and build thick sturdy walls around us or we take it lightly, gather up the light bundles of straw and use those to protect us from the world around us.
What are your walls made out of? How deep is your relationship with God, how solid are the walls you have build? Sadly, I'd have to say that I've let myself build my walls out of wood. It looks good, pretty durable, pretty easy to carry and set into place. However when the fire comes, wood burns. When the fire comes, I lose the meager shelter I built.
The beauty however in walking and going deep with God is that you build for yourself walls made of gold, silver and stones, walls that don't burn. When the fire comes, when hard times howl against your window, you will not be destroyed because you chose to struggle with God, carry those heavy stones and place one on top of the other. You receive the reward of protection, Gods loving arms his helping hand through difficult times. Because you chose to work hard before, struggle through when you were still building that house and the fire licked at your fingers, because you stayed firm in walk, when hard times comes, its no problem.
What you do now, how you treat your relationship with God now, will determine what type of materials your building your fortress out of. The deeper you go the more you learn to rely on God and therefore the stronger your walls become. But if your treating your relationship with God as just a 5 minute skim through the Bible, your fortress will not be able to withstand the fire of hardship.
I have personally experienced the fires consuming my fortress, and it makes you step back and realize, that it wasn't God who wasn't there for me in times of need, it was my own lack of trust, my own lack of seriousness with my relationship with God.
So what are you building your fortress out of? Are you building it out of materials that will last, or those that will perish.
"If what he has built survives he will receive his reward. If it is burned up he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved but only as one escaping through the flames."
~ Catie
Friday, June 11, 2010
A Little Note on Gardening
"I am the vine and my father is the gardener. He cuts every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful."
This verse is a very commonly read and preached verse in the christian community. However it is very interesting when you take this verse out of the context of the sermon you are listening to and look at it with a fresh pair of eyes.
The first part, "I am the vine and my father is the gardener," has so much meaning. Jesus is referring to himself when he says that he is the true vine or the right vine. Truth is in him and he is truth. Therefore all that stems from him is truth. Jesus says that his father, or God, is the gardener. Here we see the relationship between God and Jesus, two of the aspects of the trinity working harmoniously together.
Jesus goes on to say that the gardener, "cuts every branch in me that bears no fruit." Jesus was perfect, so why did he God to cut away what bore no fruit? Jesus was still human but perfectly submitted to the father at the same time and because of this all the bad branches were cut away. Jesus then says that the gardener goes on to prune the good branches.
When I first read over this part, I skipped over it without really thinking about it. The Holy Spirit nudged me to go back and reread it, and when I did I was amazed.
What is prunning? I'm not a gardener myself, but my basic understanding is that pruning is cutting away at a branch in such a way that allows the branch to continue growing. A good portion of the branch may be lost, but in time it will grow and become stronger and bear more fruit.
God cuts and prunes us and its painful at times. He removes the sinful parts when we let him and prunes those good things in us when we aren't looking. In my own life he has been cutting. Often times I feel like he isn't cutting enough. I am a natural leader which I have turned into being bossy. For a long time I felt like God needed to cut that bossy side from me that stems from my leadership, but really he just needs to prune me. Yes destroy the bossy side, but not cut away the leader he made me to be.
I could go on with examples from my life, but I think its interesting when you look at your own life and ask yourself what needs to be cut away and what needs to be pruned? Often times the devil distorts the gifts God has given us. We think that out gifts need to be cut away, but God never wants to destroy the good things he's given us, he just wants to snip away at the areas in which the devil has corrupted them.
"He cuts every branch in me that bears no fruit, while the ones that do bear fruit he prunes so that they will be even more fruitful."
~Catie
This verse is a very commonly read and preached verse in the christian community. However it is very interesting when you take this verse out of the context of the sermon you are listening to and look at it with a fresh pair of eyes.
The first part, "I am the vine and my father is the gardener," has so much meaning. Jesus is referring to himself when he says that he is the true vine or the right vine. Truth is in him and he is truth. Therefore all that stems from him is truth. Jesus says that his father, or God, is the gardener. Here we see the relationship between God and Jesus, two of the aspects of the trinity working harmoniously together.
Jesus goes on to say that the gardener, "cuts every branch in me that bears no fruit." Jesus was perfect, so why did he God to cut away what bore no fruit? Jesus was still human but perfectly submitted to the father at the same time and because of this all the bad branches were cut away. Jesus then says that the gardener goes on to prune the good branches.
When I first read over this part, I skipped over it without really thinking about it. The Holy Spirit nudged me to go back and reread it, and when I did I was amazed.
What is prunning? I'm not a gardener myself, but my basic understanding is that pruning is cutting away at a branch in such a way that allows the branch to continue growing. A good portion of the branch may be lost, but in time it will grow and become stronger and bear more fruit.
God cuts and prunes us and its painful at times. He removes the sinful parts when we let him and prunes those good things in us when we aren't looking. In my own life he has been cutting. Often times I feel like he isn't cutting enough. I am a natural leader which I have turned into being bossy. For a long time I felt like God needed to cut that bossy side from me that stems from my leadership, but really he just needs to prune me. Yes destroy the bossy side, but not cut away the leader he made me to be.
I could go on with examples from my life, but I think its interesting when you look at your own life and ask yourself what needs to be cut away and what needs to be pruned? Often times the devil distorts the gifts God has given us. We think that out gifts need to be cut away, but God never wants to destroy the good things he's given us, he just wants to snip away at the areas in which the devil has corrupted them.
"He cuts every branch in me that bears no fruit, while the ones that do bear fruit he prunes so that they will be even more fruitful."
~Catie
Monday, June 7, 2010
Confessions of a 5yr old
Five year olds are inncoent, fun, full of life, silly and sometimes a handful. It's a time of life where you are just getting a grasp on the world around you, learning about other people and yourself.
Ive blocked alot of my childhood because when I was 5 I was sexually abused by an older girl friend of mine. Having something so horrible happen up you defines a persons life and at the moment I didn't know how much of an impact it would have on me.
It really wasn't until our church did a series called celebrate recovery that I finally was able to understand what had happened to me. For years I had thought that the abuse had been my fault because I knew it was wrong but still did it anyway. I began seeing a councilor and began realizing that it wasn't my fault and that I shouldn't feel guilty for what happened. It was here that I really began working though te baggage my life has aquired; abuse, abandoment, and trust.
I have been abused and abandoned by girls my whole life which has made it very difficult to open myself up to them because I don't trust them not to hurt me. My prayer for the last 6 years has been for a good friend. I have had alot of pain over the years with this prayer not getting answered which has made it very hard for me to trust God. Each time I feel like God places a friend in my life I open myself up and as soon as I do I get hurt again. That wound is by far the biggest and most painful. Because of that I close myself off from people so that I don't get hurt again. The pain is literally crippling.
As part of this whole process of dealing with all these issues I began to realize the masks that I've begun wearing to hid myself (at least my true self) from those around me. I felt ashamed by my sin and so I'd try and cover it up instead if giving it over to God. As I was going though this realization I began talking with friends and opening up about the real issues that I was dealing with in my life. As I began to open up, they began to open up. One friend in particular who I've known for years got really vulnerable and shared thier deep struggles with me. It was at that moment that my heart broke. Not because they struggled with sin, but because for years they had never felt they could get vulnerable with me or anyone else! Why is that? I know that many times we are ashamed of our sin and so that keeps us from talking about it, but when you talk about your struggles you realize that others battle it too and you can find great joy and comfort in walking your struggles out with a brother or sister in Christ. I would have never been able to come this far with my struggles had it not been for some of my friends who came along side me.
It really does grieve me to know that everyone is hurt and they don't feel like they can talk about thier struggles. Shame is a trap that is almost impossible to break free from. I've lived imprisoned by shame for 13 years and it's very hard to break out and I've learned that without Gods help you will ever be completly free from it.
Its a wierd conclusion or realization to come to, but it's okay to admit your sins! It's okay to not be perfect! We aren't supposed to be! The truth is not everyone will accept you for your sins or your struggles and that is as times crippling but continue to look for those around you who you can be open and honest with. Don't let yourself become enslaved by shame and don't allow youself to hid from those close to you or shut them off. There is always someone willing to listen and willing to come alomd side you. It's okay to be vulnerable!
"my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
- 2corinthians 12:9
Ive blocked alot of my childhood because when I was 5 I was sexually abused by an older girl friend of mine. Having something so horrible happen up you defines a persons life and at the moment I didn't know how much of an impact it would have on me.
It really wasn't until our church did a series called celebrate recovery that I finally was able to understand what had happened to me. For years I had thought that the abuse had been my fault because I knew it was wrong but still did it anyway. I began seeing a councilor and began realizing that it wasn't my fault and that I shouldn't feel guilty for what happened. It was here that I really began working though te baggage my life has aquired; abuse, abandoment, and trust.
I have been abused and abandoned by girls my whole life which has made it very difficult to open myself up to them because I don't trust them not to hurt me. My prayer for the last 6 years has been for a good friend. I have had alot of pain over the years with this prayer not getting answered which has made it very hard for me to trust God. Each time I feel like God places a friend in my life I open myself up and as soon as I do I get hurt again. That wound is by far the biggest and most painful. Because of that I close myself off from people so that I don't get hurt again. The pain is literally crippling.
As part of this whole process of dealing with all these issues I began to realize the masks that I've begun wearing to hid myself (at least my true self) from those around me. I felt ashamed by my sin and so I'd try and cover it up instead if giving it over to God. As I was going though this realization I began talking with friends and opening up about the real issues that I was dealing with in my life. As I began to open up, they began to open up. One friend in particular who I've known for years got really vulnerable and shared thier deep struggles with me. It was at that moment that my heart broke. Not because they struggled with sin, but because for years they had never felt they could get vulnerable with me or anyone else! Why is that? I know that many times we are ashamed of our sin and so that keeps us from talking about it, but when you talk about your struggles you realize that others battle it too and you can find great joy and comfort in walking your struggles out with a brother or sister in Christ. I would have never been able to come this far with my struggles had it not been for some of my friends who came along side me.
It really does grieve me to know that everyone is hurt and they don't feel like they can talk about thier struggles. Shame is a trap that is almost impossible to break free from. I've lived imprisoned by shame for 13 years and it's very hard to break out and I've learned that without Gods help you will ever be completly free from it.
Its a wierd conclusion or realization to come to, but it's okay to admit your sins! It's okay to not be perfect! We aren't supposed to be! The truth is not everyone will accept you for your sins or your struggles and that is as times crippling but continue to look for those around you who you can be open and honest with. Don't let yourself become enslaved by shame and don't allow youself to hid from those close to you or shut them off. There is always someone willing to listen and willing to come alomd side you. It's okay to be vulnerable!
"my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
- 2corinthians 12:9
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