One month ago, God challanged me with a dare. He said, "Catie I dare you to find out what it looks like to be completly focused on who I am." And I took it.
As soon as he challanged me with that dare, he followed up by asking me to fast from secular music and tv. I found that those things consumed my time and pulled my focus away from who he was. As I began to dive head first into what it looked like to be consumed by him, he began opening my eyes to his glory, his beauty and his divine nature. Through the process I realized I had sought identity in things other then him. He began to fix my face upon his, and show me what it was like to be found in him. Things I had struggled with in the past, and continue to struggle with he has helped me to overcome. He has unraveled the lies and deceptive words the devil told me over the past several months, and he helped me forgive myself.
Part of being consumed by God means having your identy in him and being like him. Loving him in all circumstances, rejoicing in persecution, and growing inspite of your own sinfulness. When we are consumed by him, we are filled with who he is: loving, forgiving, patient, compassionate, graceful and full of joy. God began filling me with each one of those. But forgivness was one I didn't quite understand. Because I didn't understand how to forgive myself and those who had recently hurt me, I put it off. But God wanted to do something with me, and I knew that in order to be fully consumed by him, I had to fully let go of any hinderances, and obstacles in my life. So I sat down with God, and we began the process of self-forgivness.
It took me a while to understand what forgiveness was. I found an awesome definition of it..."forgivness is not expecting payment for wrongs." I had wronged so many people in my life recenly, and being the "you must get punished for every bad thing you do" kind of person I am, I didn't understand how I could just move on from what had happened. I messed up, I needed to fix it.
But then God reminded me of his truth. He said, "you messed up, but I have the power to fix it." I have tried in the past to fix things, but in the end it only looks like a small bandaid over and gaping wound. Only God knows how to redeem (not fix) lifes circumstances.
I remember when I got it. When I realized I had to forgive myself and that I could forgive myself. God gave me the words to say, and I had to say them out loud in order for them to sink in. I said, "Its okay, what I did was wrong, but God forgives me and he is redeeming me." The more I began to say it, the more I began to believe the words. And now I fully believe them. Now I never want to repeat the misakes, but I know that the mistakes I've made are going to be redeemed by God, cause he is that awesome!
So I dare you....I dare you for a week, two weeks, or a month, to see what your life would look like to be completly consumed by who God is. Its a challenge I'm not going to lie...it takes perserverance, but the most beautiful thing about it is that God is with you every step of the way, holding you, guiding you and speaking truth and wisdom into your life.
I took the challage and God did increcible things in my life. I dare you to see what he will do in yours!
"Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high priviledge of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant. I've dumped it all into the trash so that I could embrace Christ." - Philipians 3:8 (The Message)
~Catie
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Starting Over
Those words "starting over" have been used more in the last several months/weeks then I think I've ever used them in my entire life.
This week marks an anniversary for me, and not one I'm happy of. This time last year I began to go down a very bad path. I began walking away from God, and turning into myself, my sin and my desires. Previous blogs have explained in more detail what hppened, and how relationships were destroyed. I suffered so many consequences, and am still living through the consequences of my actions. But even through my rebellion, God fought for me.
I love Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
God had/has a plan for my life, and he has never let me go through it. I am amazed, extreamly humbled and in complete awe that God would want to use a rebellious and sinful person like me, yet he gives me the opportunity to be part of his plan every day.
....God is amazing, anyone who thinks less has never experienced his all encompassing love, joy and peace. Through my struggles, through my horrible human example of who Christ is...he redeems me, he uses me, he leads me in his plan. Thats completly mind blowing! I walk away, he gives me another chance. I fall down, he picks me back up. He teaches me with love, speaks truth into my confused life, and has instilled his pure joy me so that I can face struggles with his confidence.
Someone told me the other day that many people think that your a good christian if things in your life are going good...however I've found the exact opposite. Your walk with God is the strongest when you are relying on him for your every need. That means in the good and bad. We tend to rely on God when things are bad, and I am guilty of this, but think about it...we need God in every situation, whether it is while we are under spiritual attack or if it's to make a decision to go hang with friends. When I first encountered this type of thinking I pushed back. After all, I'm an adult, I know how to make decisions, I know what to do! Yeah....but then again how often do I get myself into a whole because of my actions. When you rely on God for guidance, seek him in every action things become less stressful. On that note I want to just add a little food for thought: If we are not our own (since we were purchased at the price of Christs blood) what makes us think that our agenda is our own? Do we really understand what it like to give our whole self over and let God be the Lord of our life?
I would say that I don't know how to do that. I don't think I'll ever be perfect at dying to myself and letting him reign in every aspect of my life. If I was able to do that it would be awesome, but my sinful nature holds me back from perfection. Although I will never be able to achieve perfection, I still strive to dye to myself. And its painful, its a process, and I fail many times. But a beautiful thing about God is that he just says "Its okay, so you failed. This time try relying on me instead of your own strength."
A couple days ago I sat down with God and he told me I needed to finally close the chapter of this last year. He lead me to Psalms 34. If you have a chance to read it I would highly encourage you to. But in short David is praising God for the ways in which God interevened in his life to save him. One of the verses that stuck out to me was Psalm 34:4 "I sought the lord and he answered me, he delivered me from all my fears." I love this verse because it reminds me of the goodness, faithfulness and love of God. God didn't leave me in the dirt, he answered me and delivered me from myself!
So I'm starting over....again. And thats okay! Life doesn't have a reset button but in a sense God does. He picks us up from out of the mud, sets us on solid ground, washes the dirt off and says, "Okay lets do this again." And because of that I know that no matter how many times I fall he will always take me back.
"The lord redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him." -Psalm 34:22
~Catie
This week marks an anniversary for me, and not one I'm happy of. This time last year I began to go down a very bad path. I began walking away from God, and turning into myself, my sin and my desires. Previous blogs have explained in more detail what hppened, and how relationships were destroyed. I suffered so many consequences, and am still living through the consequences of my actions. But even through my rebellion, God fought for me.
I love Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
God had/has a plan for my life, and he has never let me go through it. I am amazed, extreamly humbled and in complete awe that God would want to use a rebellious and sinful person like me, yet he gives me the opportunity to be part of his plan every day.
....God is amazing, anyone who thinks less has never experienced his all encompassing love, joy and peace. Through my struggles, through my horrible human example of who Christ is...he redeems me, he uses me, he leads me in his plan. Thats completly mind blowing! I walk away, he gives me another chance. I fall down, he picks me back up. He teaches me with love, speaks truth into my confused life, and has instilled his pure joy me so that I can face struggles with his confidence.
Someone told me the other day that many people think that your a good christian if things in your life are going good...however I've found the exact opposite. Your walk with God is the strongest when you are relying on him for your every need. That means in the good and bad. We tend to rely on God when things are bad, and I am guilty of this, but think about it...we need God in every situation, whether it is while we are under spiritual attack or if it's to make a decision to go hang with friends. When I first encountered this type of thinking I pushed back. After all, I'm an adult, I know how to make decisions, I know what to do! Yeah....but then again how often do I get myself into a whole because of my actions. When you rely on God for guidance, seek him in every action things become less stressful. On that note I want to just add a little food for thought: If we are not our own (since we were purchased at the price of Christs blood) what makes us think that our agenda is our own? Do we really understand what it like to give our whole self over and let God be the Lord of our life?
I would say that I don't know how to do that. I don't think I'll ever be perfect at dying to myself and letting him reign in every aspect of my life. If I was able to do that it would be awesome, but my sinful nature holds me back from perfection. Although I will never be able to achieve perfection, I still strive to dye to myself. And its painful, its a process, and I fail many times. But a beautiful thing about God is that he just says "Its okay, so you failed. This time try relying on me instead of your own strength."
A couple days ago I sat down with God and he told me I needed to finally close the chapter of this last year. He lead me to Psalms 34. If you have a chance to read it I would highly encourage you to. But in short David is praising God for the ways in which God interevened in his life to save him. One of the verses that stuck out to me was Psalm 34:4 "I sought the lord and he answered me, he delivered me from all my fears." I love this verse because it reminds me of the goodness, faithfulness and love of God. God didn't leave me in the dirt, he answered me and delivered me from myself!
So I'm starting over....again. And thats okay! Life doesn't have a reset button but in a sense God does. He picks us up from out of the mud, sets us on solid ground, washes the dirt off and says, "Okay lets do this again." And because of that I know that no matter how many times I fall he will always take me back.
"The lord redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him." -Psalm 34:22
~Catie
Friday, October 15, 2010
Finding my Identity...
I want to start of this blog entry with recouting a conversation I had with a friend of mine the other day. He told me that he was asked a question, "What person or people would you want to emulate your life after." He told me that I was one of those people.
I tell this story not to credit myself but to use it in order to begin to explain what God has been doing in my life over the past year. I won't be able to explain everything in one blog entry, but I can scratch the surface.
This time last year, I had a major identity crisis. Although I didn't realize it at the time, I was placing my value, my worth, my comfort, trust, hopes, and dreams into people. And, when they let me down, I was crushed. But I didn't know I was doing this, and so blindly I went on. I placed it in a frienship which betrayed me, and I placed it in a relationship which destroyed me. God was slowly and painfully taking away the things that were a distraction.
I had a moment of clarity in January; God revealed to me my identity in him an his plan for my life. However, I didn't undersand how to truely place my identity in him and so as soon as I got my "spiritual fix" I went right back into relationships and placed my identity once again in what they could offer me.
After that relationship ended, I knew I needed God, but I didn't want him. I didn't want the comfort I hd heard he could offer, and so I sought for comfort, for love and acceptance from relationship after relationship, until finally God had enough. He pulled me out of those relationships and set me back in his presence and no matter how much I tried to run he held me tight. See, God had something to teach me.
After coming home from my mission trip in Asia, God asked me to be single for the fall semester. After a couple of days I agreed. I knew God wanted to show me something, however I had no idea what it was. Over the last several months, I have struggled with giving up relationships. Slowly, and ever so lovingly God has peeled back my fingers and allowed me to release my grip on my mistaken identity.
I listened to a sermon in which the pastor made a clear point which has stuck with me. He said, "Why do we place our identity in the things God owns, instead of in God himself?" I was placing my identity in people, who God made and who are also flawed and prone to disapointment. God is not flawed, he never disapoints, he always forgives, always loves and always comforts us. I was challenged with this thought: If I truely believe those things about God, then how come I seek for those things in man instead of in him.
It says in John 5:44 "How can you believe (in God) if you accept praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only God?" or as it is put in the Message, "How do you expect to get anywhere with God when you spend all your time jockeying for position with eachother, ranking your rivals and ignoring God?"
I am in no means perfect. My life over the last year has been a complete disaster to say the least! But God s gracious. He has showed me mercy over and over again. He has had compassion on me through the consequences I've had to face because of the bad decisions, and he has forgiven not condemed me. He is the only one who could ever truely love me. He knows the crap in my life better then I do and he accepts me for that. He accept me, yet I sought acceptance from other people. He loved me, yet I gave my love to other people, and he forgave me even when I couldn't forgive myself.
This past year has been horrible, and I would never willingly repeat it. But I know that God has a purpose and that he has grown me in huge ways. I still stuggle, I still fall. I know I can never be perfect but I also know that God doesn't expect perfection, he just askes me to humble myself to him and be obedient to his calling.
People have told me recently how much they admire my passion and my love for God, and I honestly have to say that the passion people see is a direct result of Gos grace, love and mercy in my life; it is nothing of myself. Each day is a struggle but with each day brings new mercies from God. I am continually forgiven and continually reminded of how much he loves me.
So as for my my identity...I belong to Christ. In him I am made complete, and yes it is a daily challange not to resort back to people and relationships for comfort, God gives me his strenght and allows me to rely on him for perserverance.
"May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise." -Psalms 119:76
~Catie
I tell this story not to credit myself but to use it in order to begin to explain what God has been doing in my life over the past year. I won't be able to explain everything in one blog entry, but I can scratch the surface.
This time last year, I had a major identity crisis. Although I didn't realize it at the time, I was placing my value, my worth, my comfort, trust, hopes, and dreams into people. And, when they let me down, I was crushed. But I didn't know I was doing this, and so blindly I went on. I placed it in a frienship which betrayed me, and I placed it in a relationship which destroyed me. God was slowly and painfully taking away the things that were a distraction.
I had a moment of clarity in January; God revealed to me my identity in him an his plan for my life. However, I didn't undersand how to truely place my identity in him and so as soon as I got my "spiritual fix" I went right back into relationships and placed my identity once again in what they could offer me.
After that relationship ended, I knew I needed God, but I didn't want him. I didn't want the comfort I hd heard he could offer, and so I sought for comfort, for love and acceptance from relationship after relationship, until finally God had enough. He pulled me out of those relationships and set me back in his presence and no matter how much I tried to run he held me tight. See, God had something to teach me.
After coming home from my mission trip in Asia, God asked me to be single for the fall semester. After a couple of days I agreed. I knew God wanted to show me something, however I had no idea what it was. Over the last several months, I have struggled with giving up relationships. Slowly, and ever so lovingly God has peeled back my fingers and allowed me to release my grip on my mistaken identity.
I listened to a sermon in which the pastor made a clear point which has stuck with me. He said, "Why do we place our identity in the things God owns, instead of in God himself?" I was placing my identity in people, who God made and who are also flawed and prone to disapointment. God is not flawed, he never disapoints, he always forgives, always loves and always comforts us. I was challenged with this thought: If I truely believe those things about God, then how come I seek for those things in man instead of in him.
It says in John 5:44 "How can you believe (in God) if you accept praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only God?" or as it is put in the Message, "How do you expect to get anywhere with God when you spend all your time jockeying for position with eachother, ranking your rivals and ignoring God?"
I am in no means perfect. My life over the last year has been a complete disaster to say the least! But God s gracious. He has showed me mercy over and over again. He has had compassion on me through the consequences I've had to face because of the bad decisions, and he has forgiven not condemed me. He is the only one who could ever truely love me. He knows the crap in my life better then I do and he accepts me for that. He accept me, yet I sought acceptance from other people. He loved me, yet I gave my love to other people, and he forgave me even when I couldn't forgive myself.
This past year has been horrible, and I would never willingly repeat it. But I know that God has a purpose and that he has grown me in huge ways. I still stuggle, I still fall. I know I can never be perfect but I also know that God doesn't expect perfection, he just askes me to humble myself to him and be obedient to his calling.
People have told me recently how much they admire my passion and my love for God, and I honestly have to say that the passion people see is a direct result of Gos grace, love and mercy in my life; it is nothing of myself. Each day is a struggle but with each day brings new mercies from God. I am continually forgiven and continually reminded of how much he loves me.
So as for my my identity...I belong to Christ. In him I am made complete, and yes it is a daily challange not to resort back to people and relationships for comfort, God gives me his strenght and allows me to rely on him for perserverance.
"May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise." -Psalms 119:76
~Catie
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Addicted
So I decided to try something new with my blog and open it up for questions. This was one of the questions that I was asked.
"What do you say to someone who is addicted to drugs and alcohol? Someone who isn't even 21 yet... How do you help them get out of that hole of addiction? And someone whose parent figures are ok with it..."
Well, first of all my question would be do you want to get out of the hole? I personally have struggled with sexual addiction for the past 13 years and it has been very hard to overcome. In fact I have only now started changing.
About four months ago I completly gave into my addicton and persued relationship after relationship that would satisfy my needs and my desires. It became a daily/ hourly struggle against my addiction. After a month of abusing my body and letting other people abuse my body I reached a breaking point. I felt violated by myself and the people I chose to share myself with. I knew I had to change, but I didn't know how.
The beauty of growing up in a christian home is that I have a strong support system around me. I confessed my addiction to my parents and my closest friend. Through thier help I was able to seek help through councilling. At first I quit cold turkey, which was unbearably hard. I had sought comfort, escape and happiness from my addiction. I made it 24 days and then fell back into it. It was so hard, and although I knew what I was doing was wrong, I justified it by saying that "Well everyone else does it too, they just don't talk about it." I'm not really sure what caused me to quit for good, but I think it was that I was just so disgusted with myself that I knew I had to change. I didn't want to be a slave to my addiction anymore.
Its been several months, and I haven't let my addiction control me. It is very hard at times. For example, this week, its been hard. I've realized that when I watch movies that are very sexually graphic that it adds to the struggle.
I use my example because I think that all addictions, wheather they are to drugs, alcohol, sex, porn etc., that they are all means of escape, they are all enslaving and they are all very hard to overcome.
My advice would be to find people around you who will support you to make a change, if you want to change. Something that was hard for me was the uncertainty of whether I wanted to change. I sought so much security from my addiction, that when I decided to give it up, I felt lost. Do you want to live the way your living now? If not, then its time to change.
If there is no one close to you who can help you change, then I would encourage you going to seek help from a church or a councillor. I was really embarrased to admit my addiction, but now as I look back I realize that everyone struggles with something. You can find strenght through your struggles, and down the road you can use your struggles to encourage someone else who finds themselves in the same spot.
Addiction is slavery, but you can break through the bondage. It starts with a choice.
"in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us" - Romans 8:37
"What do you say to someone who is addicted to drugs and alcohol? Someone who isn't even 21 yet... How do you help them get out of that hole of addiction? And someone whose parent figures are ok with it..."
Well, first of all my question would be do you want to get out of the hole? I personally have struggled with sexual addiction for the past 13 years and it has been very hard to overcome. In fact I have only now started changing.
About four months ago I completly gave into my addicton and persued relationship after relationship that would satisfy my needs and my desires. It became a daily/ hourly struggle against my addiction. After a month of abusing my body and letting other people abuse my body I reached a breaking point. I felt violated by myself and the people I chose to share myself with. I knew I had to change, but I didn't know how.
The beauty of growing up in a christian home is that I have a strong support system around me. I confessed my addiction to my parents and my closest friend. Through thier help I was able to seek help through councilling. At first I quit cold turkey, which was unbearably hard. I had sought comfort, escape and happiness from my addiction. I made it 24 days and then fell back into it. It was so hard, and although I knew what I was doing was wrong, I justified it by saying that "Well everyone else does it too, they just don't talk about it." I'm not really sure what caused me to quit for good, but I think it was that I was just so disgusted with myself that I knew I had to change. I didn't want to be a slave to my addiction anymore.
Its been several months, and I haven't let my addiction control me. It is very hard at times. For example, this week, its been hard. I've realized that when I watch movies that are very sexually graphic that it adds to the struggle.
I use my example because I think that all addictions, wheather they are to drugs, alcohol, sex, porn etc., that they are all means of escape, they are all enslaving and they are all very hard to overcome.
My advice would be to find people around you who will support you to make a change, if you want to change. Something that was hard for me was the uncertainty of whether I wanted to change. I sought so much security from my addiction, that when I decided to give it up, I felt lost. Do you want to live the way your living now? If not, then its time to change.
If there is no one close to you who can help you change, then I would encourage you going to seek help from a church or a councillor. I was really embarrased to admit my addiction, but now as I look back I realize that everyone struggles with something. You can find strenght through your struggles, and down the road you can use your struggles to encourage someone else who finds themselves in the same spot.
Addiction is slavery, but you can break through the bondage. It starts with a choice.
"in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us" - Romans 8:37
Thursday, August 19, 2010
You Ask I'll Answer
I want to try something a little new with my blog. This blog is entitled from my heart to yours. The reason I named it that was inorder to share my struggles and my triumphs in my walk with Christ. So much has gone on in these last couple of months and alot of people have asked me questions about my struggles. So I want to open up my blog for questions. Part of living a transparent life is to be able to share things with people without them asking but also being willing to let them ask you the hard questions. I'm pretty wierd and I love being asked hard questions because it challenges me to find the hard truth.
Don't worry about asking anything to personal. I'm opening my heart and will answer any question you have. Just comment on this blog entry or send me a facebook message to ask :)
Don't worry about asking anything to personal. I'm opening my heart and will answer any question you have. Just comment on this blog entry or send me a facebook message to ask :)
The Pain of Wounds Re-Opened
A wound is mysterious thing, because the pain is the most severe upon initial impact, yet the throb and scar remind you day after day of what either you did to yourself or what others have done to you.
Wound's suck....thats just the truth. We all have them, we've all caused them. I wish it were different, but it isn't. Most of our deepest wounds come from those close to us, because they are the only ones who know us well enough to truely hurt us.
As someone whose been hurt the same way over and over throughout the years, it pains me when I realize I've hurt other people. I'm a human, and I'm flawed, and as much as I wish I was perfect and never did anything to hurt anyone...I do, I have and unless I realize it now I will continue to hurt people in the same way.
Someone once told me that you hurt people in a similar way to how you've been hurt. Thinking on this now, it completly makes sense. My wound, my scar that constantly seems to be re-opened is the pain of abandonment. Now my parents never left me, or got a divorce, but the abondonment stems from my school transition from private to homeschooling. I had attended the same private school since kindergarden, with the same group of friends who also went to my church. As the cost of the private school went up, my parents decided that it was time to leave the school and they choose homeschooling over public schooling. In this transiton, and for a number of reasons, I lost all of my friends. Going from having the same friends who support you and encourage you everyday to no friends at all was a shock. I began to feel unloved, alone, and struggled with suicidal depression.
Looking back on it, it seems silly that changing schools would've had that big of an impact on me. Maybe it was my false sense of security in my friends or an idea that the phrase "best friend forever" really meant forever. Regardless, I was still left alone. That was the first blow.
Over the years I learned to harden my heart against it, scar tissue had begun forming. I made friends with a group of girls in 7th and 8th grade, but never felt close to them because I held myself off at a distance, afraid I would get hurt again. We parted ways at the beginning of high school for a variety of reasons, and I began to meet new friends, some of which I had known for years, but just started hanging out with. They've been my rock through highschool. They stood by me when my mom was sick with breast cancer, they stood by me when my world would go crazy, they stood by me no matter what, and because of that I opened my heart.
Without realizing it, I placed myself in the position to be pierced deeper then the initial impact had gone. The second blow came in october of 2009. A long time girldfriend of mine left. I don't understand the reason, and I can't explain the cause, but out of no where, she decided we weren't friends anymore. Its hard to think of the words to use to explain how badly this hurt. It felt like a knife was thrust into my chest and then being twisted. Not only did I physically feel a sore pain in my chest, but I was natious and sick for several days. We had been friends for 5 years, I opened my heart, and she just walked away.
The third blow; this one was different because it came from a guy. Like I said before, I'm not perfect and it still breaks my heart how my actions hurt him. After recently being hurt so deeply again by my friend I began to do the only thing I knew how which was protect and push people away. I began pushing him away and in so doing so, I began to hurt him in the same way I was hurting. So many things happened in that relationship that were wrong, we both hurt eachother in order to protect ourselfs and save ourselfs from the pain of what we knew was our biggest wound. In the end, we abandoned eachother. This was the first time in my life where I had ever pushed anyone so far as for them to walk away from me. And I was surprised. I honestly don't know why I was, I had pushed, and he had finally left. But there I was, alone again.
Because of the drama that surrounded that previous relationship, I also pushed my friends away. They didn't know what was going on, but how could they have if I didn't explain it to them. There were points during those months when I feared my best friend would leave me too because he didn't understand or accept what I was dealing with. But he didn't, others did.
The last blow, or most reacent I should say, came Tuesday afternoon...this is when I truely realized that my friends, all the people who I had surrounded myself over the last few years, had left. Not only had they left, but it was of my own doing. I pushed to protect myself, and what did I do instead? I hurt myself. (Odd how that works)
Now there have been some people who have stuck it out with me, who asked probably scary questions during a hard part of my life, and who never allowed the opinions of others to sway thier view of me. In all honestly, I'm not sure why they have't left me. They've seen the crap thats been in my life these last few months, some of them have even seen whats been going on these last few years. I will never really be able to express how grateful I am for them.
But wounds still hurt, consequences for lifes decisions still suck. Its like a burden that only you alone can carry. I go to God for comfort and wisdom and have begged him to take away the pain, but I know that I have to live with the consequences of the choices I've made. It makes it harder to bear when the consequences pierce you through your deepest wound.
~Catie
Wound's suck....thats just the truth. We all have them, we've all caused them. I wish it were different, but it isn't. Most of our deepest wounds come from those close to us, because they are the only ones who know us well enough to truely hurt us.
As someone whose been hurt the same way over and over throughout the years, it pains me when I realize I've hurt other people. I'm a human, and I'm flawed, and as much as I wish I was perfect and never did anything to hurt anyone...I do, I have and unless I realize it now I will continue to hurt people in the same way.
Someone once told me that you hurt people in a similar way to how you've been hurt. Thinking on this now, it completly makes sense. My wound, my scar that constantly seems to be re-opened is the pain of abandonment. Now my parents never left me, or got a divorce, but the abondonment stems from my school transition from private to homeschooling. I had attended the same private school since kindergarden, with the same group of friends who also went to my church. As the cost of the private school went up, my parents decided that it was time to leave the school and they choose homeschooling over public schooling. In this transiton, and for a number of reasons, I lost all of my friends. Going from having the same friends who support you and encourage you everyday to no friends at all was a shock. I began to feel unloved, alone, and struggled with suicidal depression.
Looking back on it, it seems silly that changing schools would've had that big of an impact on me. Maybe it was my false sense of security in my friends or an idea that the phrase "best friend forever" really meant forever. Regardless, I was still left alone. That was the first blow.
Over the years I learned to harden my heart against it, scar tissue had begun forming. I made friends with a group of girls in 7th and 8th grade, but never felt close to them because I held myself off at a distance, afraid I would get hurt again. We parted ways at the beginning of high school for a variety of reasons, and I began to meet new friends, some of which I had known for years, but just started hanging out with. They've been my rock through highschool. They stood by me when my mom was sick with breast cancer, they stood by me when my world would go crazy, they stood by me no matter what, and because of that I opened my heart.
Without realizing it, I placed myself in the position to be pierced deeper then the initial impact had gone. The second blow came in october of 2009. A long time girldfriend of mine left. I don't understand the reason, and I can't explain the cause, but out of no where, she decided we weren't friends anymore. Its hard to think of the words to use to explain how badly this hurt. It felt like a knife was thrust into my chest and then being twisted. Not only did I physically feel a sore pain in my chest, but I was natious and sick for several days. We had been friends for 5 years, I opened my heart, and she just walked away.
The third blow; this one was different because it came from a guy. Like I said before, I'm not perfect and it still breaks my heart how my actions hurt him. After recently being hurt so deeply again by my friend I began to do the only thing I knew how which was protect and push people away. I began pushing him away and in so doing so, I began to hurt him in the same way I was hurting. So many things happened in that relationship that were wrong, we both hurt eachother in order to protect ourselfs and save ourselfs from the pain of what we knew was our biggest wound. In the end, we abandoned eachother. This was the first time in my life where I had ever pushed anyone so far as for them to walk away from me. And I was surprised. I honestly don't know why I was, I had pushed, and he had finally left. But there I was, alone again.
Because of the drama that surrounded that previous relationship, I also pushed my friends away. They didn't know what was going on, but how could they have if I didn't explain it to them. There were points during those months when I feared my best friend would leave me too because he didn't understand or accept what I was dealing with. But he didn't, others did.
The last blow, or most reacent I should say, came Tuesday afternoon...this is when I truely realized that my friends, all the people who I had surrounded myself over the last few years, had left. Not only had they left, but it was of my own doing. I pushed to protect myself, and what did I do instead? I hurt myself. (Odd how that works)
Now there have been some people who have stuck it out with me, who asked probably scary questions during a hard part of my life, and who never allowed the opinions of others to sway thier view of me. In all honestly, I'm not sure why they have't left me. They've seen the crap thats been in my life these last few months, some of them have even seen whats been going on these last few years. I will never really be able to express how grateful I am for them.
But wounds still hurt, consequences for lifes decisions still suck. Its like a burden that only you alone can carry. I go to God for comfort and wisdom and have begged him to take away the pain, but I know that I have to live with the consequences of the choices I've made. It makes it harder to bear when the consequences pierce you through your deepest wound.
~Catie
Monday, June 14, 2010
Building Up From the Foundation
I'm on a journey, as we all are, but unlike other journeys I've been on, I have no idea what I'm looking for! The good news is that God is with me on this journey and he knows exactly what I need.
During one of my quiet times I came across a passage in I Corinthians that reminded me of something my councilor said.
" By the grace God has give me, I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should be careful how he builds. For no one can lay any foundation other then the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each mans work. If what he has built survives he will receive his reward. If it is burned up he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved but only as one escaping through the flames."
- 1 Corinthians 3:10-15
This is as incredible passage of scripture! It is very similar to the parable Jesus told about building your house on a rock, but this goes further to describe what a christian is supposed to do once his foundation has been placed on that rock, which is Jesus Christ. Starting with Christ as the foundation of your life, what are you suppose to do from there? Build up! He says that you can build up with gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw. Now most of us upon looking at this list would know what to build a house or any structure out of. Most of us wouldn't choose the hay or the straw, instead we would use the gold, silver, stones and wood.
Once we have build up from the foundation, there is a test. What we have built will be tested with fire and if it is left standing then we receive the reward, but if it isn't then we suffer a loss of some kind. Now what does all this mean exactly.
The foundation is Christ, the structure we build up from him is our life in him, the strength and durability of our relationship with him. We either dive deep into a relationship with him, thrive and build thick sturdy walls around us or we take it lightly, gather up the light bundles of straw and use those to protect us from the world around us.
What are your walls made out of? How deep is your relationship with God, how solid are the walls you have build? Sadly, I'd have to say that I've let myself build my walls out of wood. It looks good, pretty durable, pretty easy to carry and set into place. However when the fire comes, wood burns. When the fire comes, I lose the meager shelter I built.
The beauty however in walking and going deep with God is that you build for yourself walls made of gold, silver and stones, walls that don't burn. When the fire comes, when hard times howl against your window, you will not be destroyed because you chose to struggle with God, carry those heavy stones and place one on top of the other. You receive the reward of protection, Gods loving arms his helping hand through difficult times. Because you chose to work hard before, struggle through when you were still building that house and the fire licked at your fingers, because you stayed firm in walk, when hard times comes, its no problem.
What you do now, how you treat your relationship with God now, will determine what type of materials your building your fortress out of. The deeper you go the more you learn to rely on God and therefore the stronger your walls become. But if your treating your relationship with God as just a 5 minute skim through the Bible, your fortress will not be able to withstand the fire of hardship.
I have personally experienced the fires consuming my fortress, and it makes you step back and realize, that it wasn't God who wasn't there for me in times of need, it was my own lack of trust, my own lack of seriousness with my relationship with God.
So what are you building your fortress out of? Are you building it out of materials that will last, or those that will perish.
"If what he has built survives he will receive his reward. If it is burned up he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved but only as one escaping through the flames."
~ Catie
During one of my quiet times I came across a passage in I Corinthians that reminded me of something my councilor said.
" By the grace God has give me, I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should be careful how he builds. For no one can lay any foundation other then the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each mans work. If what he has built survives he will receive his reward. If it is burned up he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved but only as one escaping through the flames."
- 1 Corinthians 3:10-15
This is as incredible passage of scripture! It is very similar to the parable Jesus told about building your house on a rock, but this goes further to describe what a christian is supposed to do once his foundation has been placed on that rock, which is Jesus Christ. Starting with Christ as the foundation of your life, what are you suppose to do from there? Build up! He says that you can build up with gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw. Now most of us upon looking at this list would know what to build a house or any structure out of. Most of us wouldn't choose the hay or the straw, instead we would use the gold, silver, stones and wood.
Once we have build up from the foundation, there is a test. What we have built will be tested with fire and if it is left standing then we receive the reward, but if it isn't then we suffer a loss of some kind. Now what does all this mean exactly.
The foundation is Christ, the structure we build up from him is our life in him, the strength and durability of our relationship with him. We either dive deep into a relationship with him, thrive and build thick sturdy walls around us or we take it lightly, gather up the light bundles of straw and use those to protect us from the world around us.
What are your walls made out of? How deep is your relationship with God, how solid are the walls you have build? Sadly, I'd have to say that I've let myself build my walls out of wood. It looks good, pretty durable, pretty easy to carry and set into place. However when the fire comes, wood burns. When the fire comes, I lose the meager shelter I built.
The beauty however in walking and going deep with God is that you build for yourself walls made of gold, silver and stones, walls that don't burn. When the fire comes, when hard times howl against your window, you will not be destroyed because you chose to struggle with God, carry those heavy stones and place one on top of the other. You receive the reward of protection, Gods loving arms his helping hand through difficult times. Because you chose to work hard before, struggle through when you were still building that house and the fire licked at your fingers, because you stayed firm in walk, when hard times comes, its no problem.
What you do now, how you treat your relationship with God now, will determine what type of materials your building your fortress out of. The deeper you go the more you learn to rely on God and therefore the stronger your walls become. But if your treating your relationship with God as just a 5 minute skim through the Bible, your fortress will not be able to withstand the fire of hardship.
I have personally experienced the fires consuming my fortress, and it makes you step back and realize, that it wasn't God who wasn't there for me in times of need, it was my own lack of trust, my own lack of seriousness with my relationship with God.
So what are you building your fortress out of? Are you building it out of materials that will last, or those that will perish.
"If what he has built survives he will receive his reward. If it is burned up he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved but only as one escaping through the flames."
~ Catie
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