Broken promises...

Have you ever made a promise to someone that you later realized your couldn't keep? Do you remember how you felt when you had to confront them about it? The look of disappointment on their face when they realized you couldn't live up to your own commitments...
    I made a commitment to God to stay single for this past semester...a commitment which I did not hold to. Instead of trusting in God and relying on his strength, I decided to trust in what I could see and what was in front of me. Choosing to do this left me with several consequences. First off, I had to stand before God and ask for forgiveness. After all, I made the commitment to Him and when I broke it I offended God first. However, I also let my friends down. 
     Working through forgiveness between God and I was hard but adding disappointment from my friends onto that made it much harder. As much as I hate it at times, people watch me and look up to me. I honestly don't know why anyone would want to look up to me at all cause I seem to do a pretty good job at messing up, but people do anyway. What I didn't know was that my commitment to trust in God and stay single was a really bold statement, and several people looked up to me and respected me for that. When I broke that, they lost some respect for me. 
     Now I could say that I don't care what people think about me, but that would be a lie. 
    I want to write this to my girls, 
I'm not perfect I'm learning and growing, and sometimes that means failing...that being said...what I did by dishonoring my commitment to God was wrong. There's no way around it...I broke a commitment. Because of that I know that there are consequences. I know that and will accept them. One of the consequences have been letting people down. I'm a people pleaser and so whenever I let someone down it kills me! I'd prefer for people to be mad instead of disappointed. 
     Please don't think that I just made a decision based off of emotion without considering the commitment I made to stay single. Now you may think "wow how could you knowingly make a decision to break a commitment with God and then how could you be okay with it." Well...I began breaking the commitment without knowing it and then when I became aware I had two choices, one to stop lying and call the relationship what it was, or continue lying. I decided to fess up. And I wasn't okay with it at first, I would've loved to continue lying to myself and I considered it several times. But I didn't. I decided that although coming clean meant subjecting myself to the possible scrutiny of others it was the right thing to do. I had a long talk with God and was very ashamed to come to him. I was so mad at myself for not honoring a commitment and even more ashamed to have to tell people about it. 
     The truth is, my actions were called out by God and because of that I had to deal with it before him first. But I am aware that people are also affected. If I have made anyone stumble I'm truly sorry. Know that walking with God is a learning process...and when you fail God's not the only one who sees it...which I guess is good cause it means the body of christ can hold you accountable :)
     Everything we learn now is meant to teach us later in life. I know that God is continuing to teach me...sadly I'll continue failing but hopefully through my failures God teaches me who he is and who I am in him. The battle will never be over until we are in his presence....which could be considered depressing but when you think about it, it means that your always being given a second and third and fourth chance. Gods grace and mercy is INCREDIBLE and yet when we choose to walk with him, he gives it to us in abundance! 

Who Am I?

Who am I that you love me I turn away
seek my plan
speak against you
forget your mercy
forget your comfort
forget your love

Who am I that you intervene in my life?
I don't deserve your love yet you love me enough to reveal truth in my life.
You allow me to accept concequences
and you teach me

Who am I that even through my failures you use me
You take a broken heart, a sinful life and you use it
Who am I?

I am Yours!
You bought my life at the price of your own.

Everlasting love displayed in my father giving up his life for his rebelling daughter
I did not seek you
Yet you drew me to yourself
I did not choose you
Yet you hand-picked me to be yours

I am yours
You are mine
Worthy are you
My heart cries out
My soul thirsts for you
My body pants for your word

My heart is filled with joy
Your beauty is displayed in who you are
and in what you do
and in your word

How precious
How beautiful
How loving
How amazing
How merciful you are...

Your intricicies are displayed in the beauty of your creation
the colors and patterns of the created burst forth song

Each color speaks of who you are
every note of your plans
every sunset of your beauty

Only you are worthy
I am nothing
Yet to you I am made whole
In your eyes I am beautiful
You delight over me with singing
You hold me in your arms
You formed me
You know me

I am yours
     May your will be done with my life!

I Dare You...

One month ago, God challanged me with a dare. He said, "Catie I dare you to find out what it looks like to be completly focused on who I am." And I took it.

As soon as he challanged me with that dare, he followed up by asking me to fast from secular music and tv. I found that those things consumed my time and pulled my focus away from who he was. As I began to dive head first into what it looked like to be consumed by him, he began opening my eyes to his glory, his beauty and his divine nature. Through the process I realized I had sought identity in things other then him. He began to fix my face upon his, and show me what it was like to be found in him. Things I had struggled with in the past, and continue to struggle with he has helped me to overcome. He has unraveled the lies and deceptive words the devil told me over the past several months, and he helped me forgive myself.

Part of being consumed by God means having your identy in him and being like him. Loving him in all circumstances, rejoicing in persecution, and growing inspite of your own sinfulness. When we are consumed by him, we are filled with who he is: loving, forgiving, patient, compassionate, graceful and full of joy. God began filling me with each one of those. But forgivness was one I didn't quite understand. Because I didn't understand how to forgive myself and those who had recently hurt me, I put it off. But God wanted to do something with me, and I knew that in order to be fully consumed by him, I had to fully let go of any hinderances, and obstacles in my life. So I sat down with God, and we began the process of self-forgivness.

It took me a while to understand what forgiveness was. I found an awesome definition of it..."forgivness is not expecting payment for wrongs." I had wronged so many people in my life recenly, and being the "you must get punished for every bad thing you do" kind of person I am, I didn't understand how I could just move on from what had happened. I messed up, I needed to fix it.

But then God reminded me of his truth. He said, "you messed up, but I have the power to fix it." I have tried in the past to fix things, but in the end it only looks like a small bandaid over and gaping wound. Only God knows how to redeem (not fix) lifes circumstances.

I remember when I got it. When I realized I had to forgive myself and that I could forgive myself. God gave me the words to say, and I had to say them out loud in order for them to sink in. I said, "Its okay, what I did was wrong, but God forgives me and he is redeeming me." The more I began to say it, the more I began to believe the words. And now I fully believe them. Now I never want to repeat the misakes, but I know that the mistakes I've made are going to be redeemed by God, cause he is that awesome!

So I dare you....I dare you for a week, two weeks, or a month, to see what your life would look like to be completly consumed by who God is. Its a challenge I'm not going to lie...it takes perserverance, but the most beautiful thing about it is that God is with you every step of the way, holding you, guiding you and speaking truth and wisdom into your life.

I took the challage and God did increcible things in my life. I dare you to see what he will do in yours!

"Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high priviledge of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant. I've dumped it all into the trash so that I could embrace Christ." - Philipians 3:8 (The Message)

~Catie

Starting Over

Those words "starting over" have been used more in the last several months/weeks then I think I've ever used them in my entire life.

This week marks an anniversary for me, and not one I'm happy of. This time last year I began to go down a very bad path. I began walking away from God, and turning into myself, my sin and my desires. Previous blogs have explained in more detail what hppened, and how relationships were destroyed. I suffered so many consequences, and am still living through the consequences of my actions. But even through my rebellion, God fought for me.

I love Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

God had/has a plan for my life, and he has never let me go through it. I am amazed, extreamly humbled and in complete awe that God would want to use a rebellious and sinful person like me, yet he gives me the opportunity to be part of his plan every day.

....God is amazing, anyone who thinks less has never experienced his all encompassing love, joy and peace. Through my struggles, through my horrible human example of who Christ is...he redeems me, he uses me, he leads me in his plan. Thats completly mind blowing! I walk away, he gives me another chance. I fall down, he picks me back up. He teaches me with love, speaks truth into my confused life, and has instilled his pure joy me so that I can face struggles with his confidence.

Someone told me the other day that many people think that your a good christian if things in your life are going good...however I've found the exact opposite. Your walk with God is the strongest when you are relying on him for your every need. That means in the good and bad. We tend to rely on God when things are bad, and I am guilty of this, but think about it...we need God in every situation, whether it is while we are under spiritual attack or if it's to make a decision to go hang with friends. When I first encountered this type of thinking I pushed back. After all, I'm an adult, I know how to make decisions, I know what to do! Yeah....but then again how often do I get myself into a whole because of my actions. When you rely on God for guidance, seek him in every action things become less stressful. On that note I want to just add a little food for thought: If we are not our own (since we were purchased at the price of Christs blood) what makes us think that our agenda is our own? Do we really understand what it like to give our whole self over and let God be the Lord of our life?

I would say that I don't know how to do that. I don't think I'll ever be perfect at dying to myself and letting him reign in every aspect of my life. If I was able to do that it would be awesome, but my sinful nature holds me back from perfection. Although I will never be able to achieve perfection, I still strive to dye to myself. And its painful, its a process, and I fail many times. But a beautiful thing about God is that he just says "Its okay, so you failed. This time try relying on me instead of your own strength."

A couple days ago I sat down with God and he told me I needed to finally close the chapter of this last year. He lead me to Psalms 34. If you have a chance to read it I would highly encourage you to. But in short David is praising God for the ways in which God interevened in his life to save him. One of the verses that stuck out to me was Psalm 34:4 "I sought the lord and he answered me, he delivered me from all my fears." I love this verse because it reminds me of the goodness, faithfulness and love of God. God didn't leave me in the dirt, he answered me and delivered me from myself!

So I'm starting over....again. And thats okay! Life doesn't have a reset button but in a sense God does. He picks us up from out of the mud, sets us on solid ground, washes the dirt off and says, "Okay lets do this again." And because of that I know that no matter how many times I fall he will always take me back.

"The lord redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him." -Psalm 34:22

~Catie

Finding my Identity...

I want to start of this blog entry with recouting a conversation I had with a friend of mine the other day. He told me that he was asked a question, "What person or people would you want to emulate your life after." He told me that I was one of those people.

I tell this story not to credit myself but to use it in order to begin to explain what God has been doing in my life over the past year. I won't be able to explain everything in one blog entry, but I can scratch the surface.

This time last year, I had a major identity crisis. Although I didn't realize it at the time, I was placing my value, my worth, my comfort, trust, hopes, and dreams into people. And, when they let me down, I was crushed. But I didn't know I was doing this, and so blindly I went on. I placed it in a frienship which betrayed me, and I placed it in a relationship which destroyed me. God was slowly and painfully taking away the things that were a distraction.

I had a moment of clarity in January; God revealed to me my identity in him an his plan for my life. However, I didn't undersand how to truely place my identity in him and so as soon as I got my "spiritual fix" I went right back into relationships and placed my identity once again in what they could offer me.

After that relationship ended, I knew I needed God, but I didn't want him. I didn't want the comfort I hd heard he could offer, and so I sought for comfort, for love and acceptance from relationship after relationship, until finally God had enough. He pulled me out of those relationships and set me back in his presence and no matter how much I tried to run he held me tight. See, God had something to teach me.

After coming home from my mission trip in Asia, God asked me to be single for the fall semester. After a couple of days I agreed. I knew God wanted to show me something, however I had no idea what it was. Over the last several months, I have struggled with giving up relationships. Slowly, and ever so lovingly God has peeled back my fingers and allowed me to release my grip on my mistaken identity.

I listened to a sermon in which the pastor made a clear point which has stuck with me. He said, "Why do we place our identity in the things God owns, instead of in God himself?" I was placing my identity in people, who God made and who are also flawed and prone to disapointment. God is not flawed, he never disapoints, he always forgives, always loves and always comforts us. I was challenged with this thought: If I truely believe those things about God, then how come I seek for those things in man instead of in him.

It says in John 5:44 "How can you believe (in God) if you accept praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only God?" or as it is put in the Message, "How do you expect to get anywhere with God when you spend all your time jockeying for position with eachother, ranking your rivals and ignoring God?"

I am in no means perfect. My life over the last year has been a complete disaster to say the least! But God s gracious. He has showed me mercy over and over again. He has had compassion on me through the consequences I've had to face because of the bad decisions, and he has forgiven not condemed me. He is the only one who could ever truely love me.  He knows the crap in my life better then I do and he accepts me for that. He accept me, yet I sought acceptance from other people. He loved me, yet I gave my love to other people, and he forgave me even when I couldn't forgive myself.

This past year has been horrible, and I would never willingly repeat it. But I know that God has a purpose and that he has grown me in huge ways. I still stuggle, I still fall. I know I can never be perfect but I also know that God doesn't expect perfection, he just askes me to humble myself to him and be obedient to his calling.

People have told me recently how much they admire my passion and my love for God, and I honestly have to say that the passion people see is a direct result of Gos grace, love and mercy in my life; it is nothing of myself. Each day is a struggle but with each day brings new mercies from God. I am continually forgiven and continually reminded of how much he loves me.

So as for my my identity...I belong to Christ. In him I am made complete, and yes it is a daily challange not to resort back to people and relationships for comfort, God gives me his strenght and allows me to rely on him for perserverance.

"May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise." -Psalms 119:76

~Catie

Addicted

So I decided to try something new with my blog and open it up for questions. This was one of the questions that I was asked.

"What do you say to someone who is addicted to drugs and alcohol? Someone who isn't even 21 yet... How do you help them get out of that hole of addiction? And someone whose parent figures are ok with it..."

Well, first of all my question would be do you want to get out of the hole? I personally have struggled with sexual addiction for the past 13 years and it has been very hard to overcome. In fact I have only now started changing.

About four months ago I completly gave into my addicton and persued relationship after relationship that would satisfy my needs and my desires. It became a daily/ hourly struggle against my addiction. After a month of abusing my body and letting other people abuse my body I reached a breaking point. I felt violated by myself and the people I chose to share myself with. I knew I had to change, but I didn't know how.

The beauty of growing up in a christian home is that I have a strong support system around me. I confessed my addiction to my parents and my closest friend. Through thier help I was able to seek help through councilling. At first I quit cold turkey, which was unbearably hard. I had sought comfort, escape and happiness from my addiction. I made it 24 days and then fell back into it. It was so hard, and although I knew what I was doing was wrong, I justified it by saying that "Well everyone else does it too, they just don't talk about it." I'm not really sure what caused me to quit for good, but I think it was that I was just so disgusted with myself that I knew I had to change. I didn't want to be a slave to my addiction anymore.

Its been several months, and I haven't let my addiction control me. It is very hard at times. For example, this week, its been hard. I've realized that when I watch movies that are very sexually graphic that it adds to the struggle.

I use my example because I think that all addictions, wheather they are to drugs, alcohol, sex, porn etc., that they are all means of escape, they are all enslaving and they are all very hard to overcome.

My advice would be to find people around you who will support you to make a change, if you want to change. Something that was hard for me was the uncertainty of whether I wanted to change. I sought so much security from my addiction, that when I decided to give it up, I felt lost. Do you want to live the way your living now? If not, then its time to change.

If there is no one close to you who can help you change, then I would encourage you going to seek help from a church or a councillor. I was really embarrased to admit my addiction, but now as I look back I realize that everyone struggles with something. You can find strenght through your struggles, and down the road you can use your struggles to encourage someone else who finds themselves in the same spot.

Addiction is slavery, but you can break through the bondage. It starts with a choice.

"in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us" - Romans 8:37

You Ask I'll Answer

I want to try something a little new with my blog. This blog is entitled from my heart to yours. The reason I named it that was inorder to share my struggles and my triumphs in my walk with Christ. So much has gone on in these last couple of months and alot of people have asked me questions about my struggles. So I want to open up my blog for questions. Part of living a transparent life is to be able to share things with people without them asking but also being willing to let them ask you the hard questions. I'm pretty wierd and I love being asked hard questions because it challenges me to find the hard truth.

Don't worry about asking anything to personal. I'm opening my heart and will answer any question you have. Just comment on this blog entry or send me a facebook message to ask :)