A wound is mysterious thing, because the pain is the most severe upon initial impact, yet the throb and scar remind you day after day of what either you did to yourself or what others have done to you.
Wound's suck....thats just the truth. We all have them, we've all caused them. I wish it were different, but it isn't. Most of our deepest wounds come from those close to us, because they are the only ones who know us well enough to truely hurt us.
As someone whose been hurt the same way over and over throughout the years, it pains me when I realize I've hurt other people. I'm a human, and I'm flawed, and as much as I wish I was perfect and never did anything to hurt anyone...I do, I have and unless I realize it now I will continue to hurt people in the same way.
Someone once told me that you hurt people in a similar way to how you've been hurt. Thinking on this now, it completly makes sense. My wound, my scar that constantly seems to be re-opened is the pain of abandonment. Now my parents never left me, or got a divorce, but the abondonment stems from my school transition from private to homeschooling. I had attended the same private school since kindergarden, with the same group of friends who also went to my church. As the cost of the private school went up, my parents decided that it was time to leave the school and they choose homeschooling over public schooling. In this transiton, and for a number of reasons, I lost all of my friends. Going from having the same friends who support you and encourage you everyday to no friends at all was a shock. I began to feel unloved, alone, and struggled with suicidal depression.
Looking back on it, it seems silly that changing schools would've had that big of an impact on me. Maybe it was my false sense of security in my friends or an idea that the phrase "best friend forever" really meant forever. Regardless, I was still left alone. That was the first blow.
Over the years I learned to harden my heart against it, scar tissue had begun forming. I made friends with a group of girls in 7th and 8th grade, but never felt close to them because I held myself off at a distance, afraid I would get hurt again. We parted ways at the beginning of high school for a variety of reasons, and I began to meet new friends, some of which I had known for years, but just started hanging out with. They've been my rock through highschool. They stood by me when my mom was sick with breast cancer, they stood by me when my world would go crazy, they stood by me no matter what, and because of that I opened my heart.
Without realizing it, I placed myself in the position to be pierced deeper then the initial impact had gone. The second blow came in october of 2009. A long time girldfriend of mine left. I don't understand the reason, and I can't explain the cause, but out of no where, she decided we weren't friends anymore. Its hard to think of the words to use to explain how badly this hurt. It felt like a knife was thrust into my chest and then being twisted. Not only did I physically feel a sore pain in my chest, but I was natious and sick for several days. We had been friends for 5 years, I opened my heart, and she just walked away.
The third blow; this one was different because it came from a guy. Like I said before, I'm not perfect and it still breaks my heart how my actions hurt him. After recently being hurt so deeply again by my friend I began to do the only thing I knew how which was protect and push people away. I began pushing him away and in so doing so, I began to hurt him in the same way I was hurting. So many things happened in that relationship that were wrong, we both hurt eachother in order to protect ourselfs and save ourselfs from the pain of what we knew was our biggest wound. In the end, we abandoned eachother. This was the first time in my life where I had ever pushed anyone so far as for them to walk away from me. And I was surprised. I honestly don't know why I was, I had pushed, and he had finally left. But there I was, alone again.
Because of the drama that surrounded that previous relationship, I also pushed my friends away. They didn't know what was going on, but how could they have if I didn't explain it to them. There were points during those months when I feared my best friend would leave me too because he didn't understand or accept what I was dealing with. But he didn't, others did.
The last blow, or most reacent I should say, came Tuesday afternoon...this is when I truely realized that my friends, all the people who I had surrounded myself over the last few years, had left. Not only had they left, but it was of my own doing. I pushed to protect myself, and what did I do instead? I hurt myself. (Odd how that works)
Now there have been some people who have stuck it out with me, who asked probably scary questions during a hard part of my life, and who never allowed the opinions of others to sway thier view of me. In all honestly, I'm not sure why they have't left me. They've seen the crap thats been in my life these last few months, some of them have even seen whats been going on these last few years. I will never really be able to express how grateful I am for them.
But wounds still hurt, consequences for lifes decisions still suck. Its like a burden that only you alone can carry. I go to God for comfort and wisdom and have begged him to take away the pain, but I know that I have to live with the consequences of the choices I've made. It makes it harder to bear when the consequences pierce you through your deepest wound.
~Catie
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Building Up From the Foundation
I'm on a journey, as we all are, but unlike other journeys I've been on, I have no idea what I'm looking for! The good news is that God is with me on this journey and he knows exactly what I need.
During one of my quiet times I came across a passage in I Corinthians that reminded me of something my councilor said.
" By the grace God has give me, I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should be careful how he builds. For no one can lay any foundation other then the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each mans work. If what he has built survives he will receive his reward. If it is burned up he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved but only as one escaping through the flames."
- 1 Corinthians 3:10-15
This is as incredible passage of scripture! It is very similar to the parable Jesus told about building your house on a rock, but this goes further to describe what a christian is supposed to do once his foundation has been placed on that rock, which is Jesus Christ. Starting with Christ as the foundation of your life, what are you suppose to do from there? Build up! He says that you can build up with gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw. Now most of us upon looking at this list would know what to build a house or any structure out of. Most of us wouldn't choose the hay or the straw, instead we would use the gold, silver, stones and wood.
Once we have build up from the foundation, there is a test. What we have built will be tested with fire and if it is left standing then we receive the reward, but if it isn't then we suffer a loss of some kind. Now what does all this mean exactly.
The foundation is Christ, the structure we build up from him is our life in him, the strength and durability of our relationship with him. We either dive deep into a relationship with him, thrive and build thick sturdy walls around us or we take it lightly, gather up the light bundles of straw and use those to protect us from the world around us.
What are your walls made out of? How deep is your relationship with God, how solid are the walls you have build? Sadly, I'd have to say that I've let myself build my walls out of wood. It looks good, pretty durable, pretty easy to carry and set into place. However when the fire comes, wood burns. When the fire comes, I lose the meager shelter I built.
The beauty however in walking and going deep with God is that you build for yourself walls made of gold, silver and stones, walls that don't burn. When the fire comes, when hard times howl against your window, you will not be destroyed because you chose to struggle with God, carry those heavy stones and place one on top of the other. You receive the reward of protection, Gods loving arms his helping hand through difficult times. Because you chose to work hard before, struggle through when you were still building that house and the fire licked at your fingers, because you stayed firm in walk, when hard times comes, its no problem.
What you do now, how you treat your relationship with God now, will determine what type of materials your building your fortress out of. The deeper you go the more you learn to rely on God and therefore the stronger your walls become. But if your treating your relationship with God as just a 5 minute skim through the Bible, your fortress will not be able to withstand the fire of hardship.
I have personally experienced the fires consuming my fortress, and it makes you step back and realize, that it wasn't God who wasn't there for me in times of need, it was my own lack of trust, my own lack of seriousness with my relationship with God.
So what are you building your fortress out of? Are you building it out of materials that will last, or those that will perish.
"If what he has built survives he will receive his reward. If it is burned up he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved but only as one escaping through the flames."
~ Catie
During one of my quiet times I came across a passage in I Corinthians that reminded me of something my councilor said.
" By the grace God has give me, I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should be careful how he builds. For no one can lay any foundation other then the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each mans work. If what he has built survives he will receive his reward. If it is burned up he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved but only as one escaping through the flames."
- 1 Corinthians 3:10-15
This is as incredible passage of scripture! It is very similar to the parable Jesus told about building your house on a rock, but this goes further to describe what a christian is supposed to do once his foundation has been placed on that rock, which is Jesus Christ. Starting with Christ as the foundation of your life, what are you suppose to do from there? Build up! He says that you can build up with gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw. Now most of us upon looking at this list would know what to build a house or any structure out of. Most of us wouldn't choose the hay or the straw, instead we would use the gold, silver, stones and wood.
Once we have build up from the foundation, there is a test. What we have built will be tested with fire and if it is left standing then we receive the reward, but if it isn't then we suffer a loss of some kind. Now what does all this mean exactly.
The foundation is Christ, the structure we build up from him is our life in him, the strength and durability of our relationship with him. We either dive deep into a relationship with him, thrive and build thick sturdy walls around us or we take it lightly, gather up the light bundles of straw and use those to protect us from the world around us.
What are your walls made out of? How deep is your relationship with God, how solid are the walls you have build? Sadly, I'd have to say that I've let myself build my walls out of wood. It looks good, pretty durable, pretty easy to carry and set into place. However when the fire comes, wood burns. When the fire comes, I lose the meager shelter I built.
The beauty however in walking and going deep with God is that you build for yourself walls made of gold, silver and stones, walls that don't burn. When the fire comes, when hard times howl against your window, you will not be destroyed because you chose to struggle with God, carry those heavy stones and place one on top of the other. You receive the reward of protection, Gods loving arms his helping hand through difficult times. Because you chose to work hard before, struggle through when you were still building that house and the fire licked at your fingers, because you stayed firm in walk, when hard times comes, its no problem.
What you do now, how you treat your relationship with God now, will determine what type of materials your building your fortress out of. The deeper you go the more you learn to rely on God and therefore the stronger your walls become. But if your treating your relationship with God as just a 5 minute skim through the Bible, your fortress will not be able to withstand the fire of hardship.
I have personally experienced the fires consuming my fortress, and it makes you step back and realize, that it wasn't God who wasn't there for me in times of need, it was my own lack of trust, my own lack of seriousness with my relationship with God.
So what are you building your fortress out of? Are you building it out of materials that will last, or those that will perish.
"If what he has built survives he will receive his reward. If it is burned up he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved but only as one escaping through the flames."
~ Catie
Friday, June 11, 2010
A Little Note on Gardening
"I am the vine and my father is the gardener. He cuts every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful."
This verse is a very commonly read and preached verse in the christian community. However it is very interesting when you take this verse out of the context of the sermon you are listening to and look at it with a fresh pair of eyes.
The first part, "I am the vine and my father is the gardener," has so much meaning. Jesus is referring to himself when he says that he is the true vine or the right vine. Truth is in him and he is truth. Therefore all that stems from him is truth. Jesus says that his father, or God, is the gardener. Here we see the relationship between God and Jesus, two of the aspects of the trinity working harmoniously together.
Jesus goes on to say that the gardener, "cuts every branch in me that bears no fruit." Jesus was perfect, so why did he God to cut away what bore no fruit? Jesus was still human but perfectly submitted to the father at the same time and because of this all the bad branches were cut away. Jesus then says that the gardener goes on to prune the good branches.
When I first read over this part, I skipped over it without really thinking about it. The Holy Spirit nudged me to go back and reread it, and when I did I was amazed.
What is prunning? I'm not a gardener myself, but my basic understanding is that pruning is cutting away at a branch in such a way that allows the branch to continue growing. A good portion of the branch may be lost, but in time it will grow and become stronger and bear more fruit.
God cuts and prunes us and its painful at times. He removes the sinful parts when we let him and prunes those good things in us when we aren't looking. In my own life he has been cutting. Often times I feel like he isn't cutting enough. I am a natural leader which I have turned into being bossy. For a long time I felt like God needed to cut that bossy side from me that stems from my leadership, but really he just needs to prune me. Yes destroy the bossy side, but not cut away the leader he made me to be.
I could go on with examples from my life, but I think its interesting when you look at your own life and ask yourself what needs to be cut away and what needs to be pruned? Often times the devil distorts the gifts God has given us. We think that out gifts need to be cut away, but God never wants to destroy the good things he's given us, he just wants to snip away at the areas in which the devil has corrupted them.
"He cuts every branch in me that bears no fruit, while the ones that do bear fruit he prunes so that they will be even more fruitful."
~Catie
This verse is a very commonly read and preached verse in the christian community. However it is very interesting when you take this verse out of the context of the sermon you are listening to and look at it with a fresh pair of eyes.
The first part, "I am the vine and my father is the gardener," has so much meaning. Jesus is referring to himself when he says that he is the true vine or the right vine. Truth is in him and he is truth. Therefore all that stems from him is truth. Jesus says that his father, or God, is the gardener. Here we see the relationship between God and Jesus, two of the aspects of the trinity working harmoniously together.
Jesus goes on to say that the gardener, "cuts every branch in me that bears no fruit." Jesus was perfect, so why did he God to cut away what bore no fruit? Jesus was still human but perfectly submitted to the father at the same time and because of this all the bad branches were cut away. Jesus then says that the gardener goes on to prune the good branches.
When I first read over this part, I skipped over it without really thinking about it. The Holy Spirit nudged me to go back and reread it, and when I did I was amazed.
What is prunning? I'm not a gardener myself, but my basic understanding is that pruning is cutting away at a branch in such a way that allows the branch to continue growing. A good portion of the branch may be lost, but in time it will grow and become stronger and bear more fruit.
God cuts and prunes us and its painful at times. He removes the sinful parts when we let him and prunes those good things in us when we aren't looking. In my own life he has been cutting. Often times I feel like he isn't cutting enough. I am a natural leader which I have turned into being bossy. For a long time I felt like God needed to cut that bossy side from me that stems from my leadership, but really he just needs to prune me. Yes destroy the bossy side, but not cut away the leader he made me to be.
I could go on with examples from my life, but I think its interesting when you look at your own life and ask yourself what needs to be cut away and what needs to be pruned? Often times the devil distorts the gifts God has given us. We think that out gifts need to be cut away, but God never wants to destroy the good things he's given us, he just wants to snip away at the areas in which the devil has corrupted them.
"He cuts every branch in me that bears no fruit, while the ones that do bear fruit he prunes so that they will be even more fruitful."
~Catie
Monday, June 7, 2010
Confessions of a 5yr old
Five year olds are inncoent, fun, full of life, silly and sometimes a handful. It's a time of life where you are just getting a grasp on the world around you, learning about other people and yourself.
Ive blocked alot of my childhood because when I was 5 I was sexually abused by an older girl friend of mine. Having something so horrible happen up you defines a persons life and at the moment I didn't know how much of an impact it would have on me.
It really wasn't until our church did a series called celebrate recovery that I finally was able to understand what had happened to me. For years I had thought that the abuse had been my fault because I knew it was wrong but still did it anyway. I began seeing a councilor and began realizing that it wasn't my fault and that I shouldn't feel guilty for what happened. It was here that I really began working though te baggage my life has aquired; abuse, abandoment, and trust.
I have been abused and abandoned by girls my whole life which has made it very difficult to open myself up to them because I don't trust them not to hurt me. My prayer for the last 6 years has been for a good friend. I have had alot of pain over the years with this prayer not getting answered which has made it very hard for me to trust God. Each time I feel like God places a friend in my life I open myself up and as soon as I do I get hurt again. That wound is by far the biggest and most painful. Because of that I close myself off from people so that I don't get hurt again. The pain is literally crippling.
As part of this whole process of dealing with all these issues I began to realize the masks that I've begun wearing to hid myself (at least my true self) from those around me. I felt ashamed by my sin and so I'd try and cover it up instead if giving it over to God. As I was going though this realization I began talking with friends and opening up about the real issues that I was dealing with in my life. As I began to open up, they began to open up. One friend in particular who I've known for years got really vulnerable and shared thier deep struggles with me. It was at that moment that my heart broke. Not because they struggled with sin, but because for years they had never felt they could get vulnerable with me or anyone else! Why is that? I know that many times we are ashamed of our sin and so that keeps us from talking about it, but when you talk about your struggles you realize that others battle it too and you can find great joy and comfort in walking your struggles out with a brother or sister in Christ. I would have never been able to come this far with my struggles had it not been for some of my friends who came along side me.
It really does grieve me to know that everyone is hurt and they don't feel like they can talk about thier struggles. Shame is a trap that is almost impossible to break free from. I've lived imprisoned by shame for 13 years and it's very hard to break out and I've learned that without Gods help you will ever be completly free from it.
Its a wierd conclusion or realization to come to, but it's okay to admit your sins! It's okay to not be perfect! We aren't supposed to be! The truth is not everyone will accept you for your sins or your struggles and that is as times crippling but continue to look for those around you who you can be open and honest with. Don't let yourself become enslaved by shame and don't allow youself to hid from those close to you or shut them off. There is always someone willing to listen and willing to come alomd side you. It's okay to be vulnerable!
"my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
- 2corinthians 12:9
Ive blocked alot of my childhood because when I was 5 I was sexually abused by an older girl friend of mine. Having something so horrible happen up you defines a persons life and at the moment I didn't know how much of an impact it would have on me.
It really wasn't until our church did a series called celebrate recovery that I finally was able to understand what had happened to me. For years I had thought that the abuse had been my fault because I knew it was wrong but still did it anyway. I began seeing a councilor and began realizing that it wasn't my fault and that I shouldn't feel guilty for what happened. It was here that I really began working though te baggage my life has aquired; abuse, abandoment, and trust.
I have been abused and abandoned by girls my whole life which has made it very difficult to open myself up to them because I don't trust them not to hurt me. My prayer for the last 6 years has been for a good friend. I have had alot of pain over the years with this prayer not getting answered which has made it very hard for me to trust God. Each time I feel like God places a friend in my life I open myself up and as soon as I do I get hurt again. That wound is by far the biggest and most painful. Because of that I close myself off from people so that I don't get hurt again. The pain is literally crippling.
As part of this whole process of dealing with all these issues I began to realize the masks that I've begun wearing to hid myself (at least my true self) from those around me. I felt ashamed by my sin and so I'd try and cover it up instead if giving it over to God. As I was going though this realization I began talking with friends and opening up about the real issues that I was dealing with in my life. As I began to open up, they began to open up. One friend in particular who I've known for years got really vulnerable and shared thier deep struggles with me. It was at that moment that my heart broke. Not because they struggled with sin, but because for years they had never felt they could get vulnerable with me or anyone else! Why is that? I know that many times we are ashamed of our sin and so that keeps us from talking about it, but when you talk about your struggles you realize that others battle it too and you can find great joy and comfort in walking your struggles out with a brother or sister in Christ. I would have never been able to come this far with my struggles had it not been for some of my friends who came along side me.
It really does grieve me to know that everyone is hurt and they don't feel like they can talk about thier struggles. Shame is a trap that is almost impossible to break free from. I've lived imprisoned by shame for 13 years and it's very hard to break out and I've learned that without Gods help you will ever be completly free from it.
Its a wierd conclusion or realization to come to, but it's okay to admit your sins! It's okay to not be perfect! We aren't supposed to be! The truth is not everyone will accept you for your sins or your struggles and that is as times crippling but continue to look for those around you who you can be open and honest with. Don't let yourself become enslaved by shame and don't allow youself to hid from those close to you or shut them off. There is always someone willing to listen and willing to come alomd side you. It's okay to be vulnerable!
"my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
- 2corinthians 12:9
Monday, February 22, 2010
All I am is yours
God had given me a big purpose for my life! He has called me to go out into the world after college and serve him in several areas throughout the world. For the moment however, he has called me to serve here. 2 Timothy 4:2 was a huge conviction for me.
"Preach the gospel, be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage with great patience and careful instruction."
I love how this verse specifically says to preach the gospel in and out of season. As Christians I have found that most of us serve in season, during mission trips or other church related activities. I admit that I myself have become accustom to this type of lifestyle. But this verse was so clear in saying that no, God wants you to serve him on the field and off the field. There really is not "off the field" time if you want to think about it, you should always be serving God.
When God calls you to do something, he also provides opportunities, and God has provided in huge ways over the last month. Our church got involved with a ministry called Mission of Hope Haiti. These people have been serving Haiti for the past 12 years and will continue to stay and help the people of Haiti come back from the tragic earthquake that struck. I was given the opportunity very early on to volunteer and take donations through phone calls and take inventory of medical supplies that had been donated. But then God opened the door for something even more amazing. Several highschool students pulled together and came up with an idea to design and sell t-shirts and donate all proceeds to Mission of Hope. Through no real choice of my own, I found myself stepping up, and in charge of the whole group! Looking back I'm really not sure this happened but I know that God had a plan so I'm not really questioning it! We started off very basic, planning to raise nearly 8,000 dollars for Haiti. But that wasn't enough by Gods standards, and two weeks later the amount was raised to $19,000 and then to $24,000. I thought that this was a pretty good amount, I was amazed and praising God the whole time, but this is still not the amount God wanted me to see, so I recalculated added shirts and venues and found that we could potentially raise $37,112.
Stepping back and looking at that number, its amazing what God can do! I have learned so many things through this experience and I'm sure I'm not done learning. The biggest thing that I have learned is that prayer without faith is not faith at all. I had been praying that God would provide funds to buy the shirts, but when that didn't seem to happen, I gave up and began working with the money I already had. I in a sense had given up faith in Gods ability to do things. But just because I had given up faith didn't mean God was inactive! He reached into my life in a very clear way and provided more money then I had been praying to receive!
If you have never read the parable of the persistent woman I would strongly encourage you to. (Luke 18:1-8) The last verse is so powerful that is challenges my prayer life every day.
"However when the son of man comes, will he find faith on the earth?"
We can be persistent in prayer but if we have no faith, then really why are we praying? Jesus said so many times, "your faith has made you well." Even though I knew God had the ability to provide the money I lost faith that he actually would. When he actually did, I felt a huge slap in the face, "oh you of little faith." God is God! He can and will do anything. His ways are above my ways and his thoughts are higher then my thoughts.
Whenever I think about how great God is compared to me, how much bigger his plans are compared to mine, and how much better his will is for my life, I'm overwhelmed with silence. I want to praise God, shout out his name and tell everyone, but when I'm alone with him I am simply speechless by his wonders.
I love music and so several songs have come to mind that express different aspects of what I've been learning through this whole process of serving at home. But the best one I can leave you with is the chorus of an amazing song called the stand.
So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
in awe of the one who gave it all
I'll stand my soul Lord to you surrendered
all I am is yours
What can I say
and what can I do
but offer this heart oh God
completely to you
~Catie
Thursday, January 21, 2010
On the Road To Recovery
At some point in our walk with God we face a time of trial. I have faced three thus far. Each time God has taught me something new about himself and shaped me a little more into the woman he created me to be. My most recent struggle with God granted him an opportunity to open my eyes to the life he has planned for me.
After fighting to come to him, I sat down and opened up a bible and asked him what he wanted to tell me. Luke 9:23 popped into my head which says,
"Then he said to them, 'If anyone would come after me he must deny himself, take up his cross and follow me."
At first I didn't really know what this verse meant to me. I've heard this verse in church so many times that I had never really though about it, but as I sat there I began to understand. God was telling me,
"stop messing around, its time to get serious! Its time to deny yourself and follow ME!"
Again I didn't really know what it meant to deny myself, take up my cross and follow him, and so sadly I put it aside. For a couple weeks I hoped God would seek after me, but something in my gut told me that he was waiting for me. At the High School retreat this past weekend I went to him and told him I was ready. I told him I was open for him to change me, mold me, shape me however he wanted me to.
I began my quiet times asking God "How can I deny myself and give you control?" Each time I came to him he gave me one word. Day One: Relationships. I was struggling to mend a relationship with someone and when I gave God control he completely took care of it in a way that God only can. I think its funny sometimes that we think we know the best was to fix something, but when we let God take care of it not only does he approach it a different way but he completely fixes and restores it.
Day Two: Priorities. The two verses which stuck out to me from this day are Philippians 3:10 and Mark 8:35 which say "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings and becoming like him in his death." (Philippians 3:10) and "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for the gospel will save it." I felt God telling me that I needed to be selflessly serving and constantly thirsting after him.
Day Three: Patience - waiting for the Lord. Patience is something I think everyone especially me struggle with. But I have found that when you give God over control then it is so much easier to wait on his timing. When you are truly patient on God, you experience a divine peace which is unlike anything I have ever experienced.
Day Four: Thoughts. I struggle with day dreaming sometimes and a couple days ago I felt God call me out on that. He said not only do I want control in your relationships, your priorities but also in your thoughts as well. To me this is a very intimate way that God takes control of my life, because I have always considered my thoughts my own. God took me to an amazing passage of scripture in Isaiah 55:8 which said,
"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither my ways your ways' declares the Lord.' As the heaven are higher then the earth so my ways are higher then your ways and my thoughts higher then your thoughts'"
Going back to what I said earlier about God answering prayer is a completely unexpected way, when I read this verse it reminded me of that. He told me that my thoughts are nothing compared to his. What we think is a good plan is nothing compared to what he has in store. This made me step back in complete awe of God. To think that I can't even fathom what he has planned for my life is mind blowing!
Day Five: Actions. God said, I have taken control of your thoughts, and now I want to take control of your actions. In a way he has already been taking control of my actions. Thoughts are an action, patience is inaction sometimes, priorities: what I choose to do over other things. All of the things God had been teaching me to give him control over made it so much easier to finally give him complete control over my life when he called for it.
I am still waiting on God. He has stopped me in my walk with him in order to teach me something amazing that I will need as I step out into the world. I am learning to listen closely for his words which has been so amazing. God answers me in crazy ways and there is never a dull moment when he is in control. My relationship is far from perfect with him, but I've come to realize that as long as I'm seeking after him, he'll take care of the rest. He has it all under control and he likes to show me that in crazy ways. I'm on the road to recovering my relationship with Christ and its only though his divine grace that I am forgiven and given another opportunity to seek him.
"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation come from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress and I will not be shaken." - Psalms 62:1-2
~Catie
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Caught in the Middle: the battle with Perserverance
For a long time I have struggled with my school situation; something that has called for years of perseverance and strength. A new day is dawning and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm close enough to the end that I can see a fork in the road, one path marked deliverance, and the other perseverance. Deliverance would finally lead me away from this miserable situation, but perseverance...would not. I so desperately want to do what God wants, yet I so desperately want to get out of this situation. And so I find myself caught in the middle.
In my previous blog I explained how I felt completely alienated and unwelcome at my school. Since the day I arrived I have wanted to leave. It seems like each week there is another issue another problem that I am faced with and I find myself easily discouraged. I was reminded this week while reading the Bible of this simple little fact. "We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed, perplexed but not in despair, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed." (2Corinthians 4 :8) Jesus also reminds us in John 16:33, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." So should I take the easy path and finally be delivered from my suffering, or should I persevere?
"Consider it pure joy my friends whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance, and perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything...blessed is that man who perseveres, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." (James 1:1-4)
Wow...that's all I can say. I have read so many verses about persevering and what a blessing it is on those who persevere that I can't ignore the second path. But should I forget about my current suffering and persevere? It says in Romans 5:3, "Not only so but we also rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character and character hope, and that hope does not disappoint us." Why doesn't that hope disappoint us...because it placed in God, who will never disappoint us.
Perseverance is a common theme throughout the Bible. We see it in Jesus and in Paul as well as every other follower if Jesus Christ. So trials and sufferings are nothing new in the christian walk, and as Christan's we should be constantly calling on God for help and guidance.
I find myself sitting at the fork in the road, unsure which path to take. To take the one marked deliverance, I would finally get what I have longed for for so long. However if I do take this path, am I missing out on a chance for God to grow and mature me? It does say "perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." There have been many times where I have persevered through a circumstance and realized later how much I matured. In fact if several things in my life had never happened(things that although I wish had never happened, I'm glad they did), I would not be the same person I am today and I would not be as close to God as I am now. Knowing this, should I take the path marked perseverance or should I take the opportunity to leave my school and run with it?
I honestly have no idea! I am still searching the scriptures for an answer, and though I know the decision is far from final I want to make every effort to seek Gods wisdom in this area of my life and follow his will. It says in Exodus 14:13, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Lord will fight for you; you only need to be still" I don't know how the Lord will deliver me, but I know that he will, and so I will be still before the Lord and wait for his timing.
~Catie
In my previous blog I explained how I felt completely alienated and unwelcome at my school. Since the day I arrived I have wanted to leave. It seems like each week there is another issue another problem that I am faced with and I find myself easily discouraged. I was reminded this week while reading the Bible of this simple little fact. "We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed, perplexed but not in despair, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed." (2Corinthians 4 :8) Jesus also reminds us in John 16:33, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." So should I take the easy path and finally be delivered from my suffering, or should I persevere?
"Consider it pure joy my friends whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance, and perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything...blessed is that man who perseveres, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." (James 1:1-4)
Wow...that's all I can say. I have read so many verses about persevering and what a blessing it is on those who persevere that I can't ignore the second path. But should I forget about my current suffering and persevere? It says in Romans 5:3, "Not only so but we also rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character and character hope, and that hope does not disappoint us." Why doesn't that hope disappoint us...because it placed in God, who will never disappoint us.
Perseverance is a common theme throughout the Bible. We see it in Jesus and in Paul as well as every other follower if Jesus Christ. So trials and sufferings are nothing new in the christian walk, and as Christan's we should be constantly calling on God for help and guidance.
I find myself sitting at the fork in the road, unsure which path to take. To take the one marked deliverance, I would finally get what I have longed for for so long. However if I do take this path, am I missing out on a chance for God to grow and mature me? It does say "perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." There have been many times where I have persevered through a circumstance and realized later how much I matured. In fact if several things in my life had never happened(things that although I wish had never happened, I'm glad they did), I would not be the same person I am today and I would not be as close to God as I am now. Knowing this, should I take the path marked perseverance or should I take the opportunity to leave my school and run with it?
I honestly have no idea! I am still searching the scriptures for an answer, and though I know the decision is far from final I want to make every effort to seek Gods wisdom in this area of my life and follow his will. It says in Exodus 14:13, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Lord will fight for you; you only need to be still" I don't know how the Lord will deliver me, but I know that he will, and so I will be still before the Lord and wait for his timing.
~Catie
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