All I am is yours

God had given me a big purpose for my life! He has called me to go out into the world after college and serve him in several areas throughout the world. For the moment however, he has called me to serve here. 2 Timothy 4:2 was a huge conviction for me. 

"Preach the gospel, be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage with great patience and careful instruction."

I love how this verse specifically says to preach the gospel in and out of season. As Christians I have found that most of us serve in season, during mission trips or other church related activities. I admit that I myself have become accustom to this type of lifestyle. But this verse was so clear in saying that no, God wants you to serve him on the field and off the field. There really is not "off the field" time if you want to think about it, you should always be serving God. 

When God calls you to do something, he also provides opportunities, and God has provided in huge ways over the last month. Our church got involved with a ministry called Mission of Hope Haiti. These people have been serving Haiti for the past 12 years and will continue to stay and help the people of Haiti come back from the tragic earthquake that struck. I was given the opportunity very early on to volunteer and take donations through phone calls and take inventory of medical supplies that had been donated. But then God opened the door for something even more amazing. Several highschool students pulled together and came up with an idea to design and sell t-shirts and donate all proceeds to Mission of Hope. Through no real choice of my own, I found myself stepping up, and in charge of the whole group! Looking back I'm really not sure this happened but I know that God had a plan so I'm not really questioning it! We started off very basic, planning to raise nearly 8,000 dollars for Haiti. But that wasn't enough by Gods standards, and two weeks later the amount was raised to $19,000 and then to $24,000. I thought that this was a pretty good amount, I was amazed and praising God the whole time, but this is still not the amount God wanted me to see, so I recalculated added shirts and venues and found that we could potentially raise $37,112.

Stepping back and looking at that number, its amazing what God can do! I have learned so many things through this experience and I'm sure I'm not done learning. The biggest thing that I have learned is that prayer without faith is not faith at all. I had been praying that God would provide funds to buy the shirts, but when that didn't seem to happen, I gave up and began working with the money I already had. I in a sense had given up faith in Gods ability to do things. But just because I had given up faith didn't mean God was inactive! He reached into my life in a very clear way and provided more money then I had been praying to receive!

If you have never read the parable of the persistent woman I would strongly encourage you to. (Luke 18:1-8) The last verse is so powerful that is challenges my prayer life every day.

"However when the son of man comes, will he find faith on the earth?"

We can be persistent in prayer but if we have no faith, then really why are we praying? Jesus said so many times, "your faith has made you well." Even though I knew God had the ability to provide the money I lost faith that he actually would. When he actually did, I felt a huge slap in the face, "oh you of little faith." God is God! He can and will do anything. His ways are above my ways and his thoughts are higher then my thoughts. 

Whenever I think about how great God is compared to me, how much bigger his plans are compared to mine, and how much better his will is for my life, I'm overwhelmed with silence. I want to praise God, shout out his name and tell everyone, but when I'm alone with him I am simply speechless by his wonders. 

I love music and so several songs have come to mind that express different aspects of what I've been learning through this whole process of serving at home. But the best one I can leave you with is the chorus of an amazing song called the stand. 

So I'll stand

With arms high and heart abandoned

in awe of the one who gave it all

I'll stand my soul Lord to you surrendered 

all I am is yours

What can I say 

and what can I do

but offer this heart oh God

completely to you

~Catie

On the Road To Recovery

     At some point in our walk with God we face a time of trial. I have faced three thus far. Each time God has taught me something new about himself and shaped me a little more into the woman he created me to be. My most recent struggle with God granted him an opportunity to open my eyes to the life he has planned for me.

     After fighting to come to him, I sat down and opened up a bible and asked him what he wanted to tell me. Luke 9:23 popped into my head which says,

"Then he said to them, 'If anyone would come after me he must deny himself, take up his cross and follow me."

At first I didn't really know what this verse meant to me. I've heard this verse in church so many times that I had never really though about it, but as I sat there I began to understand. God was telling me,

"stop messing around, its time to get serious! Its time to deny yourself and follow ME!"

Again I didn't really know what it meant to deny myself, take up my cross and follow him, and so sadly I put it aside. For a couple weeks I hoped God would seek after me, but something in my gut told me that he was waiting for me. At the High School retreat this past weekend I went to him and told him I was ready. I told him I was open for him to change me, mold me, shape me however he wanted me to.

      I began my quiet times asking God "How can I deny myself and give you control?" Each time I came to him he gave me one word. Day One: Relationships. I was struggling to mend a relationship with someone and when I gave God control he completely took care of it in a way that God only can. I think its funny sometimes that we think we know the best was to fix something, but when we let God take care of it not only does he approach it a different way but he completely fixes and restores it. 

     Day Two: Priorities. The two verses which stuck out to me from this day are Philippians 3:10 and Mark 8:35 which say "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings and becoming like him in his death." (Philippians 3:10) and "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for the gospel will save it." I felt God telling me that I needed to be selflessly serving and constantly thirsting after him.

     Day Three: Patience - waiting for the Lord. Patience is something I think everyone especially me struggle with. But I have found that when you give God over control then it is so much easier to wait on his timing. When you are truly patient on God, you experience a divine peace which is unlike anything I have ever experienced.

     Day Four: Thoughts. I struggle with day dreaming sometimes and a couple days ago I felt God call me out on that. He said not only do I want control in your relationships, your priorities but also in your thoughts as well. To me this is a very intimate way that God takes control of my life, because I have always considered my thoughts my own. God took me to an amazing passage of scripture in Isaiah 55:8 which said,

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither my ways your ways' declares the Lord.' As the heaven are higher then the earth so my ways are higher then your ways and my thoughts higher then your thoughts'"

Going back to what I said earlier about God answering prayer is a completely unexpected way, when I read this verse it reminded me of that. He told me that my thoughts are nothing compared to his. What we think is a good plan is nothing compared to what he has in store. This made me step back in complete awe of God. To think that I can't even fathom what he has planned for my life is mind blowing!

     Day Five: Actions. God said, I have taken control of your thoughts, and now I want to take control of your actions. In a way he has already been taking control of my actions. Thoughts are an action, patience is inaction sometimes, priorities: what I choose to do over other things. All of the things God had been teaching me to give him control over made it so much easier to finally give him complete control over my life when he called for it.

     I am still waiting on God. He has stopped me in my walk with him in order to teach me something amazing that I will need as I step out into the world. I am learning to listen closely for his words which has been so amazing. God answers me in crazy ways and there is never a dull moment when he is in control. My relationship is far from perfect with him, but I've come to realize that as long as I'm seeking after him, he'll take care of the rest. He has it all under control and he likes to show me that in crazy ways. I'm on the road to recovering my relationship with Christ and its only though his divine grace that I am forgiven and given another opportunity to seek him.

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation  come from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress and I will not be shaken." - Psalms 62:1-2

~Catie

Caught in the Middle: the battle with Perserverance

For a long time I have struggled with my school situation; something that has called for years of perseverance and strength. A new day is dawning and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm close enough to the end that I can see a fork in the road, one path marked deliverance, and the other perseverance. Deliverance would finally lead me away from this miserable situation, but perseverance...would not. I so desperately want to do what God wants, yet I so desperately want to get out of this situation. And so I find myself caught in the middle.
In my previous blog I explained how I felt completely alienated and unwelcome at my school. Since the day I arrived I have wanted to leave. It seems like each week there is another issue another problem that I am faced with and I find myself easily discouraged. I was reminded this week while reading the Bible of this simple little fact. "We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed, perplexed but not in despair, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed." (2Corinthians 4 :8) Jesus also reminds us in John 16:33, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." So should I take the easy path and finally be delivered from my suffering, or should I persevere?
"Consider it pure joy my friends whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance, and perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything...blessed is that man who perseveres, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." (James 1:1-4)
Wow...that's all I can say. I have read so many verses about persevering and what a blessing it is on those who persevere that I can't ignore the second path. But should I forget about my current suffering and persevere? It says in Romans 5:3, "Not only so but we also rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character and character hope, and that hope does not disappoint us." Why doesn't that hope disappoint us...because it placed in God, who will never disappoint us.
Perseverance is a common theme throughout the Bible. We see it in Jesus and in Paul as well as every other follower if Jesus Christ. So trials and sufferings are nothing new in the christian walk, and as Christan's we should be constantly calling on God for help and guidance.
I find myself sitting at the fork in the road, unsure which path to take. To take the one marked deliverance, I would finally get what I have longed for for so long. However if I do take this path, am I missing out on a chance for God to grow and mature me? It does say "perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." There have been many times where I have persevered through a circumstance and realized later how much I matured. In fact if several things in my life had never happened(things that although I wish had never happened, I'm glad they did), I would not be the same person I am today and I would not be as close to God as I am now. Knowing this, should I take the path marked perseverance or should I take the opportunity to leave my school and run with it?
I honestly have no idea! I am still searching the scriptures for an answer, and though I know the decision is far from final I want to make every effort to seek Gods wisdom in this area of my life and follow his will. It says in Exodus 14:13, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Lord will fight for you; you only need to be still" I don't know how the Lord will deliver me, but I know that he will, and so I will be still before the Lord and wait for his timing.

~Catie

Waiting For the Lord

I have been struggling deeply with some of the issues going on in my school. Last night, I was overcome with the feeling of hopelessness. I opened my bible and this is what I found.

Psalms 27:13 ~ I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord. Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

This verse is so hard to take hope in though. I feel as if I'm surrounded by vultures and they would like nothing better then to watch me die and then devour me so that nothing is left. The vultures are the people at my school. I have felt very strongly about my school for a long time and only now have I found the words to voice my thoughts. I must voice what I think because I refuse to let the vultures win and silence me forever. I have to take a stand, if I don't I am surely nothing.
I feel like an outcast. Every time I walk into the school, I feel the disapproving glares of the moms on my back. I feel unwelcome and unwanted. I dare to be different, I dare to say whats on my mind and immediately I'm marked as a threat. I have long felt unwanted.
I feel like I don't belong. I know that in every school everyone has their own group, but I feel as though I have been shut off by everyone. I have long felt unwanted and alone.
I feel like I'm a joke. There are several people in my school who look at me in utter disgust every time I try and join in on a conversation. I don't know why they seem to hate me, and I have done everything I can to be nice and form a friendship, but nothing. I have long felt unwanted, alone, and stupid for trying.
So then how do I stand strong in the Lord, how do I take heart? How do I wait for his goodness and love? I have done what he asks of me: Submit yourselves to authority. I have submitted myself to my parents authority, and where do I find myself - in tears every Monday because of how unwanted I feel. I don't understand how both my sister and I are singled out. Why do we receive the most trouble? How do I take heart? Do I stand strong because I know I only have one more year? No...that's not good enough for me. Its not right for me to be treated and talked to the way I am by piers and adults. But what do I do? How do I talk to the adults when they have such a clear disdain for me? I feel like I'm butting my head against a wall hoping that it will give way but knowing that it never will.
My heart is weary and in pain. I'm tired of suffering and I so desperately want to lay down and let it pass over me. But I know if I do then they win. But I don't know how to stay strong, I don't know how I can take heart. My heart is in turmoil. I have cried out to God, begging him to give me an answer, but I hear nothing.

He has told me before, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not to harm you, pans to give you a hope and a future."

I know God knows the plans for my life but how is this prospering? Where is my hope?

Like the psalmist said, I know I will see the goodness of the Lord, but at this moment, I don't know how to stand firm, and I am losing heart.

~Catie

New Meanings

Last night I sat down to do a devotion, but I wasn't really sure where to start or what to read. I looked over and saw my devotional journal but didn't reach for it yet. I continued to look at it and i noticed a pen sticking out, so I took it off my shelf and opened it. I've read my journal entries so many times that I quickly put it down again. I decided that because I couldn't find anything to do a devotional on, that i might as well clean out my desk. While I was sifting through various papers that needed to be thrown away long ago, I came across a notepad filled with scripture. I took it and sat down on my bed. One verse in particular stuck out to me. It was 2Chorinthians 12:8

"My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Several things about this verse stand out to me. The first part of the verse says, "my grace is sufficient for you." Sufficient in my mind means the perfect amount or enough to satisfy the need. So Gods grace is enough for me, and "his power is made perfect in weakness." I think the last part of the verse is really something to step back and think about.
From the time I was a child, I've been taught how powerful and how awesome God is, but i realized that the only time I have truly experienced his power is when I am utterly weak. I think sometimes when we are going about our daily lives we feel spiritually "strong" and that feeling can be considered prideful. We think that "because I'm not experiencing any negative spiritual emotions" we don't need to be relying on him, and therefore we don't see God's power as clearly as we should. I find that it takes God breaking me for me to realize how wrong I was and how powerful he is. When we are utterly weak it is much easier to see God.
Now both parts of the verse have incredible meaning, however when you read it together it is mind blowing.

"My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in (your) weakness"

Gods grace is enough for us, and his power, his holiness, his mercy, and his love is made perfect (think about the word perfect, having no flaw; "it is made perfect") in our weakness.

Next time you sit down to do a devotional, and your not quite sure what to read, look back at your devotion journal. If you don't have one, I would suggest starting one. Its a great way to keep verses and write about your struggles. When you look back, not only will the verses contain a whole new meaning, but you will be able to see how God lead you through your struggles.

~Catie

Friend Pains

A friend loveth at all times...
Even when its hard?
Even when you know that heart is scared?
Even when they mess up and go the wrong way?
Will you be the one who won't walk away?
Will you be the one who loves them in spite of it all?
The one who picks them up even when they fall?
The one they Go to when their worlds a mess
who calms and soothes them in their distress?
Will you be the friend who's always there?
Or will you be the friend that doesn't care?

I wrote this poem last year while I was struggling with two of my very close friends. Both were going through hard times in their life, and I was the only who stepped out and helped them. One of my friends, I discovered, had been taken advantage of by a family member. She had told almost every single one of my friends and no one had done anything about it. They just ignored her. I was taken aback at the way my other friends failed to respond. We are a body of believers, and I would hope that when you find something out like that you would tell someone. But they didn't.
I struggled with how to help her. I knew that I should and that I needed to, but I was completely inadequate to provide proper help. I had never experienced what she had gone through so I couldn't council her. I journaled almost every night, asking God what to do.

"There comes a time in life when you can no longer help. When the scares others have left on the ones you love have penetrated deeper then you thought possible. A heart breaks in two when one sees another whose heart has been shattered by the ones they sought protection from. Families protect and love, least that is the way God designed it. We are sinful and you soon realize how sinful we truly are. The world is a cruel place, but how much crueler does it become when your own family is feared. When a family member steals something so innocent from someone, how do you help that person?"

Like I said before, we are a body of believers, and in that body of believers there is hope. God placed an amazign woman in my life, who is a strong believer and who has gone through the exact same thing. I still praise God for putting her in both my life and the life of my friend. She was the best fit for this situation. She knew what to say and what not to say. She could sympathize and warn her about what not to do.
The hardest part ( and it still remains the hardest) was walking away. I was not the right person to council my friend, so I had to give her over to someone else. When I did, I stopped seeing her (that wasn't my choosing). Our paths didn't cross anymore, and now I sit here thinking about her. The last several months she has come across my mind, and I wonder how she is, if she has told anyone about what happened, or is she back into the same lifestyle that before had been so destructive. Each time I wonder this, God reminds me "I'm in control." Its the hardest thing for me to grasp and for me to take comfort in. I love my friend, and I still cry over her. I want to help her, I want to be there for her, I want to show he how much I do love her, but then God reminds me "I'm in control."
I may not always see then finish line, but God does. Its a hard concept for me to grasp because I can only see whats right in front of me. I can pray though, and that what I do. Whenever I think of her I pray, because God is in control.

~Catie

Re-entering my World

I've just spent the last 10 days serving down in Tepatitlan Mexico. Tepaticlan is about an hour outside of Guadalajara. My team and I experienced amazing things while serving there, and I realized several things about myself.
I have always had a heart for the people of Mexico, and I feel God's calling on my life to go serve them. I have traveled to Mexico 6 times and plan to return in October. I have mainly served in Monterrey, and it wasn't until this trip that I decided to step out of the "safety net" of Monterrey because i felt God calling me to step up and serve him in a whole new way.
Re-entry into my life in the States after my last mission trip in October 08' was a disaster! I experienced the worst kind of spiritual attack and let myself become a very bitter person. I reached a breaking point in my life. I should have never walked away from God, but I found myself coming before him asking him to show me his plan for my life. I didn't realize how severely different my life was until several months later. I look back on that experience, sad because of the person I became, but overjoyed because of the life thats been restored in me.
Needless to say, re-entry into my life after this trip is a little scary to say the least. At the beginning of the trip I was terrified of experiencing the same spiritual attack I did last time. However I realized that God already had that under control. As the days went on I began to get a peace about me that can only be described as divine. I no longer doubt my purpose in Mexico, as I did previously. I see Gods hand in my life moving me to help churches and children homes. He has placed opportunities in my life, and with an obedient and willing heart, I accept them.
Goodbyes are always hard, but i feel as though this is not goodbye. I will see them again, if not on earth, then in heaven. They are my brothers and sisters in Christ, and Gods will in Tepatictlan, Monterrey, and all of mexico will be fufilled. I feel privledged to take part in his plan and I can't wait to see what else he has in store for me there.
Until I return, I'm sure God has much more for me to do here in my community.

~ Catie